Son got married in secret.

[Marge]

My adult son got married in 2007 and didn't tell us. His dad and I found out about it when the marriage was over and his 'wife' threw him out because she said he was an alcoholic. They were living half a world away from me and we saw him every week on skyp and he didn't look like he was suffering from alcoholism. He was. He came home in a bad state due to it, and eventually when he got on his feet we told him he would need to go and get some social security as we couldn't afford to keep him for nothing. He brought the forms back with him and I read one of them,it stated 'marital status' and under that was separated. I asked him how he could be separated if he wasn't married, was it a clerical error, and he said no. He said he was married in a back street registry office and not many was there, it was only him and her and two friends.

I eventually found out the truth, and got a picture. He's in coat and tails and she is in a beautiful white dress cost four grand and they went to a hot country to do it, with a sizeable wedding party. I asked how did he explain to people none of his family were there, and he said that due to not talking to his girlfriend they decided not to invite any one from his family, no one at all. He kept it a secret and even took his ring off for Skype. He never forgot to remove the ring once.

I've known now for about a year and still can't come to terms with it.

[Stilllearning]

How hurt you must be!!  I can totally understand how difficult that would be to come to terms with.  I cannot help but wonder if he knew, even before the wedding, that the whole thing was doomed?  Maybe he did not want to tell you because he knew it was a farce?  You probably would have objected (evidently rightly so).  He was half a world away so he could keep it secret.  It could be that the secret actually caused the problems.  Keeping a secret like that from my parents would have driven me to drink!  Maybe now that the cat is out of the bag and the marriage is over he can pick up the pieces of his life and move on? 

[luise.volta]

M - Some of the really nasty stuff in my life (I'm 86 years-old) is the kind that I am really glad I never came to terms with. There's no making sense of the senseless...or the weird choices of others (sometimes including our own AC.) I don't see how we can put logic where there isn't any or kindness where it is a foreign language. However, with a little help from our friends, we can survive and without sweeping it under the rug, turn in another direction out of self-preservation. Sending love...

[Lillycache]

Holy Cow!  What a difficult thing for you...   You mentioned that your weren't speaking to his then GF?  Was there a riff between you and her, or didn't you know her...  I'm not clear on that point.   Young men are funny.. if there was a riff of some sort, I can see a love struck male wanting to stand by his "lady luv" over everything and everyone else.   She may have demanded it.  AND when they are "in love" .... You know..   Of course that doesn't negate the hurtful thing he did to you, but may put some perspective on it.  Interesting how he went to great lengths to stay in touch and even to remove the ring though.   Maybe that put strain on the marriage... who knows.   In any event.. when the blush fell off the rose, and he started drinking, you'll note it was you and his family he turned to.  Hopefully he can get his life in order and move on..  Hopefully you can also.  I don't know where you put that hurt though.. I don't see coming to grips with it.. I wouldn't trust him ever... or put much past him.   Accepting THAT fact can be a relief and a way to avoid future hurt.   If you know what someone is capable of, you can steel yourself for future events, and not be blindsided.

[Keys Girl]

Marge, I think it's easier to come to terms with it if you realize that his actions are his alone.  Sadly, deceit and lying are hallmarks of alcoholics so that could be a big part of the equation.

I too, wouldn't trust him again and would independently verifying anything he says. 

Coming to terms with it is all about you healing from this and moving on to a happier life and not holding on to the pain from years past.

Good luck,

KG

[luise.volta]

M - I missed asking you to go to our Home Page, as a newbie, and to carefully read the three posts there. We're a monitored Website and it's important that you read the Forum Agreement to be sure this is a fit for you. Thanks so much.

[Whitney]

Gosh, Marge, I feel for you...I wish I had some words of encouragement, but the best I can offer is to know that, on this website, you are not alone in your anguish. 
Sometimes you just hafta learn how to live with a "new normal" :/

[confusedbyinlaws]

That is very strange and would be so hard to come to terms with.  I can imagine how hurt you feel.  I was just curious.  Did you tell him how hurt you were and if you did how did he respond.
.  He was also married to the bottle and kept that a secret from you.  Addiction does sometimes cause people to lose their moral compass or behave in ways that would otherwise be uncharacteristic.  I worked in the substance abuse field for many years and I have many friends and coworkers who are recovering alcoholics or drug addicts.  Some of the things they have shared with me about their past are unbelievable since I have only known them sober and the person I know would never do those things.  Addiction is so powerful that it can cause a mother to neglect her children or risk losing them.  I just wondered if he is sober now and if he was remorseful at all for keeping this secret from you.   Some recovering alcoholics join AA and a couple of the AA steps involve admitting where you have wronged people and make amends.  I wonder if this would be helpful to him. 
I wonder if he just went along with what his girlfriend wanted at the time and then couldn't bring himself to break the news to you after the fact, because he knew you would be hurt.  I'm not trying to justify his behavior at all, but I am always wondering why people do the things they do.

[herbalescapes]

I recommend finding an AL-Anon chapter nearby.  I've had friends who have found great comfort and help through that in dealing with alcoholic parents and spouses.  I imagine it'd help with dealing with an alcoholic AC.  Good luck.

[Pooh]

Welcome Marge.  Unfortunately, with alcoholism normally comes lying and deceit.  Doesn't make it hurt any less, but it is probably part of his addiction.  I hope he gets better and you can comes to terms with it.