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adult child withholding contact with grandchild

Started by clara, June 18, 2013, 03:08:00 PM

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clara

My son distanced himself gradually when he married, but is now divorced and still refuses contact with his family.  Now he has a 3-year-old daughter we have never seen, although he lives in this city.  He suffered a head injury in Iraq, and receives disability for that and for PTSD.  I spent several years driving him to the VA, supporting him emotionally and physically before the trouble began. Has this happened to other parents of veterans?

Pen

Welcome, Clara. I'm glad you found us. You will likely hear from those who are dealing with similar issues. My heart goes out to you, your family, and to your DS.

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Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Hi clara.  My Son just returned from Afghanistan, but so far, there have been no issues.  I know it can take several years for problems to arise and I am very glad the military recognizes this and gives both him and the families classes on it and signs to look for.

Was there a big blow-up or tension during the marriage between you and him?  Or just a gradual withdrawal?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

clara

I'm not sure my reply was posted, so I apologize if this is repeating myself.  My son abruptly cut off contact two months after marrying a woman he met online while in a PTSD inpatient program.  We were stunned, but tried to make the best of it. They quickly produced a daughter born on my birthday, and I received a text message which sounded like it was sent to his whole mailbox.  The marriage ended recently.  It's a three year long story, but in brief, he talks only to my other son, but only on the phone.  He gives no reason for his anger at me, just insists that I have somehow let him down in some unspecified way.  It is very hard to let go of a child, even one who seems to hate me for reasons that have nothing to do with the me that I am.

Stilllearning

Oh Clara, how that must hurt!  Since your son has PTSD I am assuming that he is seeing a therapist.  Often seeing a therapist drags up memories from childhood.  Times that you have completely forgotten when you may have made some remark or chastised him when it was not his fault.  He is still looking at the memory through a child's eyes.  All of that anger is focused on you.  Soon (hopefully very soon) he will understand that you were fallible and did not mean whatever happened the way he remembers it.  I watched my sister go through it (not pstd but still) and she hated my parents for a few years.  I never understood the hatred or remembered the incidents she described but they were so vivid for her and she hurt.  Eventually she understood because she had children of her own.  I am hoping that the same light goes off in your son's head!  Funny, I can remember thinking that my parents knew it all and should not have made any mistakes, heck I can even remember thinking that I could raise a child without making any!  So how did I end up on this forum???   You got it!  I was just doing the best I could, just like they did!! 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

luise.volta

June 19, 2013, 06:39:02 PM #5 Last Edit: June 19, 2013, 07:02:19 PM by luise.volta
Clara - This is a monitored site and we have constraints on language just because there is no place to draw the line if we don't. I just deleted your latest post for that reason. If you find us a fit and can accept the Forum Agreement, please stay and resend your post. Thanks.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Evalyn

Hi Clara, this is so very sad. I have known AS and AD's to deny contact with their children. Not that a rational reason is usually given.
I am going through something like this myself. The last time I saw my two ggc was at Christmas. In the case of your son, things are complicated by his PSTD. Is there any chance of you being able to talk to one of the people in charge of his care?
As your DS has separated from the mother of his child, he may be having custody/visitation issues as well.
There are lots of people here to listen and give support. You are not alone.

herbalescapes

The VA may be able to direct you to support groups for family of PTSD patients.  You probably have more to deal with than a run-of-the-mill self-centered, rude AC.  Good luck.