Told by DIL that I cannot stay at their home when their first child is born

[FAFE]

I kinda had this problem when my first GC was born.  DIL's parent's were coming from Japan, then they were not, could we come?  Sure - then it was back on for the other GP's to come.  Fine - but, we're coming after y'all come home from the hospital and we will stay at a hotel.  (We were lucky that we got airline friends and family tickets and could travel pretty much any time.)

My son is not the most compassionate or caring person, but I was gonna see that baby no matter what. 

It is a crying shame that (seems like) this generation of Adult Children act like this.  What my mantra is what goes around, comes around.  One day they will be having these discussions about their children. 

[ImBack]

I'm prob going to get labled as "one of those" selfish DILS or DDs but to be honest with you I was not all that concerened with my Moms, SMoms, SMILs or MILs wants and needs regarding visits and who gets to stay where and for how long after I had just given birth. I didnt want a house full of guests regardless if they were family or not.

We did allow family (my parents/SMom since they are a plane ride away) to come and visit for 3 - 4 days with wks in between to break up each visit. My DH did a great job keeping my ILs at bay for the first few days we were home so I could get the "hang" of things. They are also local.

I watched my Mom go thru he** and back when my brother was born. Both sets of GPs were more concerened with getting their needs met as GPs instead of allowing my Mom (the one who just gave birth) to have her needs met, and respected.

I understand why your DIL/ DS would prefer you to get a hotel, I would too. It has nothung to do with you, they are not "slighting" you or trying to "exclude" you. Your DIL will have just given birth, yeah I know shes not the first. However some recover quickly others dont. Im guessing this is why she'd prefer you stay in the hotel because she doesnt know how things will go.

Your DIL/ DS having a baby is about them.becoming a family of their own, not soley making you a Grandmother.

Please dont "talk" your son into going against something your DIL/DS has already agreef on. It will start a fight between them, and could end very badly for you - as in having your visit revoked.

[confusedbyinlaws]

I agree with those that said that DIL probably just doesn't want a lot of houseguests when she has a new baby and that having her own Mom there is more comfortable for her. 
As a mother, I wanted my mom to come and stay with me when my son was born, but she was unable to come because her mother was dying and she needed to be there.  I never wanted my MILs help and didn't ask for it.  My husband called them the minute I went into labor and my inlaws headed up. No one asked me, they just said this is what we are doing.   They were there at the hospital and for my homecoming.  Then my BIL came because he was leaving the state and this was his only chance to see the baby.  I knew they were all excited and I didn't want to deny them.  However it was not good for me.  When it came to my husband's family, I always did what was good for them at my expense.  They weren't there to help and I hardly had a minute alone with my baby for the first 10 days.e  I was breastfeeding so it least no one could take that away from me, but my husband did the cooking and cleaning and his family only created more stress.
In my opinion, it is the woman who carries the child, delivers the child, feeds the child if she is breastfeeding and has hormones changing and causing her stress.  She should be able to call the shots about who comes and when.  I wish I had, but instead I put others needs ahead of my own and it was one of the first in a long list of resentments that didn't need to be. 
My ex-SIL told inlaws not to come right away when their son was born and BIL stood behind her on that.  It didn't make her very popular with my inlaws an I got to hear how awful she was, but I was thinking "good for her" 

[confusedbyinlaws]

I just wanted to add that I do understand what it's like to be a MIL.  When my daughter had her babies she wanted me around to help and I felt comfortable that she would send me home when she got tired of me.  When my son's children were born, I went to my DIL, not my son and told her that I needed her to tell me what she needed and wanted from me and what she didn't want from me when the babies were born.  I told her I was willing to come and help and excited to see the babies but also understood that having me around could cause stress to her.  Her mother was going right away (they live 5-6) hours away and I also told her that I understood because I know it's different with your own mother.  She thought about it and said she would like me to come after her mother left, for a few days.  She was willing to let me stay in their small apartment with them, but I opted for a motel for my own comfort.  Later she said it was actually kind of nice not having me stay there.  She's a nice person and didn't mean this in a bad way and I understood what she meant.   
I think because of the way I felt with my inlaws for so many years I tend to be more sensitive to what a DIL feels than what a MIL feels even though I am both. 

[confusedbyinlaws]

One more thing: I think your son is wrong to demand that you book a flight right away and then add that DIL says you can't stay.   Your adult children don't get to tell you what to do or put demands on you and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do just because that has what he told you.  Also it doesn't sound like he communicated with his wife about this first and pitted you against each other by saying to you that he wants you to come and then saying DIL says you can't stay here.  If you can't afford a flight and a hotel right now what is wrong with just saying that.  Besides it might be more enjoyable for all of you if you went later after  things have calmed down.   In my opinion the newborn time is really about parents and baby bonding anyway and aren't they a little more fun when they are a couple of months old?

[Pooh]

I was the same way confused and it worked out well with me and DIL and I actually was happily surprised she wanted me there.  I too had the overbearing inlaws at one time and remember how they were when my kids were born.  They were not there to help, but to take over the baby.  My Mother was there to help and let me spend time with the baby.  I asked my DIL before the birth what she would like.  I knew her Mother was coming up for the birth and I told her that I would wait until they got home or just come visit in the hospital if she wanted.  (I had the situation where she was living with me while my son was deployed).  I had gone to all her doctor's appointments (at her request) and her Mother had not done anything, but I also know I still want my Mommy when I'm sick or hurting!

She actually said she would love for us to be there as well, but didn't want anyone in the delivery room but her and DS.  Then when we went to visit them when YS got back from deployment a couple of months ago, she offered to let us stay at their apartment.  We told her we would book a hotel room so her, DS and GC could have their time together as well, because she was just getting to see him as well.  I could see the relief on her face.

Mary Lee, feeling left out is normal.  It's just our human nature to want to be there and disappointing if we can't.  We did a ton for DIL/YS.  Taking her in and letting her live with us, Doctor's visits, I cooked and cleaned for her, etc.  She's a really good person but tends to be lazy and doesn't pitch in much.  So for almost a year, we basically took care of her, physically and financially.  But even with that and her Mother not doing anything to help her, I knew I couldn't take it personally if she said she didn't want us there.  It really wasn't about us at this point. 

I know it hurts and I agree, your DS shouldn't have demanded you fly out and then tell you that you couldn't stay.  That was just wrong.  How about asking if you would like to fly out, but explaining they would appreciate if you could stay at a hotel so they could have some alone time.  Same thing but worded in a communicative and understanding way. 

[Mary Lee]

I really have appreciated all the responses. Thank you all.
  To clarify, my DS told me to book a flight when labor started and my DIL is the one who told me I could not stay with them.  They were both in the room together when all of this transpired.

I was once a new mother and I also remember being a wreck when coming home from hospital.  I really did not want anyone around so I do understand.  I have decided to wait a few weeks before going to see the baby.  I know that it will be important for my DIL to be with her mother and that is a great time for her mom to bond with the baby too. 
I also know that my son will be greatly disappointed that I have decided to hold off coming but in the long run it will be better for everyone as the last thing I want to do is create more stress in an already stressful situation.   I do plan on telling them that because I am coming later, it would be wonderful if I could stay at their home.  If my DIL still does not agree then I will tell them that as soon as they feel comfortable having me stay there, then I'll come.  If I do not, and stay in a hotel, then how do I approach them about "visiting hours" ... I will have travelled a long way only to have more restrictions placed on me as to when I can see the baby Etc...
I know this is a delicate situation but the fact remains... I am also his grandma and because I do not live close by, it would be wonderful to spend as much time as possible with my first grandchild but remain hyper aware of not being a nuisance. 
I also know that if I do not remain firm on my decision then it sends a message to my DIL that I am willing to do whatever to please her at the high cost of foregoing my feelings and beliefs and I just cannot do that. 
Interestingly, I was recently told by my DIL's mother that she was going to be the "favorite " grandma.  Well, I was shocked to say the least and was speechless...for a minute, then I thought about it and told her that I was fine with her being the favorite grandma because I was going to try and be a "fun" grandma... So I am up against a tough mother/daughter team here but I will just plug along and try to be the best grandma that I can and keep my grandchild's best interest at heart.
Funny thing about children...they are the one's who decide who is what!

In addition to flying out to see the baby, I am expected to fly out for the baby shower as well in August.  Haven't heard if I can stay with them or not, but my plan is to not stay in a hotel.  The shower is the same day as another very good friend of mine who has an annual pig roast that I try and attend but when I mentioned to my son that I would love to try and do both, he said to me "mom, this is your first grandchild's shower"... So, looks like I will miss the pig roast... 

[Pooh]

I wouldn't miss the pig roast.  I would tell DS that yes, this is my first GC's shower and that is why I plan on being there but that I was also going to fit the pig roast in later.  Sorry, but it's ok for them to have their boundaries (like not staying at the house) but you get to have boundaries too, as in not jumping through all the hoops they are dictating.  Compromise only works if both sides do it.  If it's all coming from one side, then it's a dictatorship. 

[jdtm]

I think the thing to ask yourself is - is it important that your DIL and son want you there for the shower and want you to be just as excited as they are?

The truth is - as grandparents (especially if it is not the first time), we are "almost" as excited as the new parents, but not quite.  Our wonderful DIL feels that we should be at every event and see every activity and milestone (major or minor); but as a grandparent, I don't need/want that.  I want to share most/some events, the important events, but not all.  Yes, it is selfish - but that is part of getting older and I don't apologize for that.  Sometimes, we just need to be quiet.  Sometimes, we want to spend time with friends.  Sometimes, we are cultivating those things that were not available to us when we were raising our children.  Occasionally, my husband will attend one event and I will attend the other; the important ones we attend together.  But, we have busy lives without our children/grandchildren (even though our son and DIL would question this) - frankly, we enjoy spending time alone as it has been years since we have had this opportunity.

So the dilemma - when to include, when not to include, when is stepping over boundaries, when is not stepping over the boundaries, when is too much too much, and when is not enough not enough.  Hmmm ...  no easy answer (if there is one). 

I'm with Pooh on this one - I think there is time and opportunity for both events.  Compromise - on both sides ....  Besides as one gets older, confusion and noise and general hubbub become less and less attractive.  My parents tried to explain this concept to me years ago; I'm finally getting it. 

[Lillycache]

The way I read it is she can't go to both events as she has to fly there to go to the shower as well as fly there  to see the baby after it's born.  So TWO airfares..  am I correct.   I guess it would depend on if you are allowed to stay in their home for the baby shower.. If not then that would again be an airfare and hotel.. In which case... I certainly would be enjoying the Pig Roast...

[Pooh]

I think the thing to ask yourself is - is it important that your DIL and son want you there for the shower and want you to be just as excited as they are? 

Sorry, but in my opinion, that is dictating when one side (whomever it be) gets to pick what they want, every time.  That you should be as excited as they are about a baby shower so don't do anything else, fly out immediately when she's in labor but can't stay at our house, all the while on your dime.  When anyone says, "This is what you are going to do", that is not communication.  I believe you said yourself that you had issues with your MIL because she wanted you to do everything how she did it and her way?

That is what is great about this forum.  I believe you had a valid right to have your own boundaries with your MIL and that she is wrong to want you to do everything her way and treat the kids differently.    I also believe that Mary Lee has a right to her boundaries.  I don't look at any one person on this forum by title.  I don't care if you are a DIL, MIL, GP, AC, etc. because I am every one of those things.   I see everyone here as a person that deserves to be treated with respect, equality and have a relationship full of compromise on both sides.  When you don't get that, it doesn't matter what your title is.

[Lillycache]

I get that out of this too Pooh... Fly out... don't stay with us.. miss your pig roast... be as excited as we are... DO this.. Don't do that.. and by the way.. DON'T make any demands or voice YOUR preferences because THAT is boundary stomping.. 

[Keys Girl]

I got that too, fly out, stay elsewhere, miss your pig roast and fly again of course because we are calling the tune and you are dancing to it to please us.  I wouldn't tell them if there are conflicts in the future, where you go and when you do it are your schedule alone and you don't have to just it to anyone.

I wouldn't fly out right away, I wouldn't stay with them, because then you can get some sleep in a hotel and feel comfortable.  I would tell them that there are only so many air miles in the wallet right now, but you are looking forward to seeing the baby on SKYPE, once a week, every few days, whenever it's convenient for them.   Later, when it's convenient for you and your wallet you might want to pay them a visit if the invitation is extended.

I wouldn't worry about missing a shower, I think it's very important to keep your friends close and enjoy their company when things with the "kids" aren't absolutely wonderful.  Send a lovely gift to the shower and have some fun.  The pig roast was already on the schedule, so first come, first served, literally.  If your son and DIL give you more notice you can put their events on your schedule if you choose.

Yes, they are starting a new family, I get that.  I don't get fly out at your expense but you aren't welcome to stay with us.  The first couple of weeks a newborn can cry enough to send you around the bend and having grandparents who have the world of patience stay with you can be a huge help.   

KG

[herbalescapes]

Is it possible that you have a communication style problem with DS?  Maybe when he's saying "you have to fly out when DIL is in labor" and "c'mon mom, this is your first grandchild"  he's not really trying to dictate your actions, but just trying to express his enthusiasm.  I know I've told people "oh, you have to try this food/read this book/see this movie" when I wasn't really issuing a command, just being enthusiastic. 

Your DS is in no way shape or form in charge of your life, so you shouldn't feel at all guilty about going to the pig roast or not flying out while DIL is in labor.  It's your life, you decide.  There's a touch of rudeness about inviting an out-of-towner to a shower.  Although gifts are usual at bday parties, weddings, anniversary parties, they aren't required (no matter what the honoree thinks), but a shower is all about the gifts.  The purpose is to shower the new mom with needed baby items. 

In your shoes, I think I would forego flying out for the shower/pig roast.  Either you skip the pig roast and are resentful, you skip the shower and cause hurt feelings and possibly start a family battle, or manage to attend both but are too stressed out to enjoy either.  Thinking long term, I'd save the airfare for the shower trip to afford a hotel for the baby trip.  In future years you can visit for the pig roast and see GC without there being a conflict.  Putting myself in DS/DILs shoes, if you fly out for the pig roast then cry too poor for a hotel during the GC visit, I wouldn't be too sympathetic.  Fair?  No.  Reasonable? No.  Possible?  Definitely. 

Whatever you feel comfortable with, though, is what you should do.  There's no absolute right or wrong.  Good luck. 

[Monroe]

Herbal said --
There's a touch of rudeness about inviting an out-of-towner to a shower.

How true.   I would not fly out for the shower.  I would stay home, send a nice gift for the baby, and save my money for flying out after the baby comes.  You can see all the baby things then.  You could also participate in the shower by Skype - in the comfort of your own home or that of a friend who knows how to Skype (which I do not). 

You are smart to not go when she is in labor, but to wait a few weeks and go then.  I don't get that labor and delivery (and the recovery time afterward) are something there should be a big audience for.  It is a very stressful time - and things can go wrong.  I know I would go to the waiting room of the hospital if my DIL was delivering in town.  If things took a bad turn I could get out of there and out of the way quickly.  But I would not fly to a distant city to be in the waiting room, and be excluded for the next 5 days of my visit.  And I think I should NOT be involved during the first days or weeks after the baby comes.  New parents need their privacy.  And I think by definition anyone other than the new parents, doctors and nurses are unnecessary parties. 

If it was a plane ride away, I would wait, and like the OP, go after everything has settled down.   Unlike OP, however, I would not want to stay with them.  Too much going on - even if the baby was a month old by then.  I would go only once, stay in a budget motel near-by, and probably not spend any more than if I had gone twice.