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Enforcing Child Support

Started by Whitney, June 11, 2013, 04:37:15 pm

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Whitney

Wow, you Ladies are so awesome to keep offering me your thoughts and advice.....I should probably start a new post about the next chapter:  ENFORCING CHILD SUPPORT ARREARAGES.....I'm not getting over my disappointment too quickly about how I was treated at the wedding....I thought I would deal with some of my anger at my EX by going after him for back child support for my daughter ($8,000).  I have a court order from 2008...but when my daughter was in college, he threatened to cash out her pre-paid college fund in order to pay me.  She called me, hysterical, that she wouldn't have the money to pay for school, so under duress, I cancelled the enforcement in 2009.  Well, last month, she finished her studies so...the timing seems perfect to ask the State of Florida AGAIN to enforce the order.........I submitted the paperwork TODAY, yes, I really did!
Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
(Voltaire  1694 - 1778)

luise.volta

W - Good idea. I started a new topic for you with your last post. I know people are what they are but that's pretty low to threaten your daughter to get you to back down. Glad he's your "Ex!" Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Keys Girl

Whitney, I realize this is not what you want to hear, but I wouldn't do it.  I went through the courts, etc. many years ago to try to enforce child support and my ex pulled every trick in the book.  I probably got $300 over 15 years.  If you have a restraining order in place, I wouldn't be trying to get a nickel.  Trying to get men like this (with a history of violence and control issues) to act like responsible grown ups is like teaching a frog to tap dance. 

Before I started down the road to borrowing large sums of money to pursue a legal battle a woman who had gone through the same thing told me not to bother.  I was convinced that I wouldn't let him "get away" with it and that he would have to pay his share of raising our son.  It never worked, and I was eventually left with some huge debts and some very expensive pieces of paper but no child support.

If your daughter has finished her studies, I would let it go.  Your daughter will learn exactly what type of character her father is, and you ex won't be convinced that you are trying to egg him on.  In some cases restraining orders aren't worth the paper they are printed on.  Don't get into some kind of potentially dangerous dance with your ex over money.  He'll do everything he can to punish you or your children to pay you back for trying and with the internet, twitter and Facebook, there are few barriers to privacy left in this world it wouldn't be hard for him to be a world of trouble to you.

While it hurts a world of pain to let a sleaze ball not pay for his children's care, and it doesn't send a good message to his children about how much he cares for them, when you are dealing with a control freak who needs a restraining order, my suggestion is that you never take your anger out on him for any reason.  He'll match your anger 10 times and make life miserable for everyone.  Take your anger out in a constructive fashion, clean the house, get on the treadmill, whatever.  Whenever you are engaging with your ex in a fashion that tries to force him to act any way he doesn't, you'll be opening the door for trouble.

Let him slink away with the debt intact, and forget about matching wits, anger or anything else with him.  Trying to force a crocodile to learn some manners is always a losing game.  If he doesn't eat you today, he'll eat you tomorrow, figuratively speaking of course.  Your ex won't allow you to "win" at his expense, he'll make sure that you and his children and even future grandchildren "lose".  The less contact you have with him, the better, IMHO. 

I've been down that path with a man who used every trick in his sleazeball lawyer's book to avoid child support successfully and 30 years later was still badmouthing me to  our adult son. 

I wish I had taken the advice from the work colleague who had gone down that path and forgotten about trying to get money from a stone.  I was consumed with the injustice and convinced that the court system would assist me.  It didn't.  I learned the hard way. 

Some people like to keep you in some sort of legal battle, because they are connected to you.  In a negative way of course, but for some men, being left behind is something they can't accept so their goal is constant warfare so they can rewrite the ending. 

IMHO, I would leave this dude behind in every single way possible and enjoy every peaceful night of slumber that he wasn't in my life and banish him from my thoughts.  That's worth a lot more than $8,000 in my book and there are lots of way to earn that money without dancing with the croc.

KG

 

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Whitney

Keys Girl, I know ...I know...I have already been thru so much of the same stuff you went thru trying to collect child support.  I HAD given up in 2009 after years of effort and being amazed how my EX could manipulate even the State of Florida.....but it hurts so much to be angry with my son about how he treated me for his wedding, and I guess I'm trying to transfer all of my anger about that - with action - to his dad.  Ugh.
And though I mentioned to DH that I wanted to pursue back child support, he too thought I should "let it go".  But as the wedding drama unfolded, it dredged up old feelings of anger toward my EX that I had buried and thought I had moved on....but seeing him at the wedding with his friends and relatives, and knowing how my presence was treated with neglect, oooooooh! I just wanted to do SOMETHING!!!  I may regret having submitted the paperwork yesterday to the Child Support Enforcement Agency - and I don't even care about the money! - I guess I am just trying to send a message to my EX that I did not take it lightly about how he ruined my son's wedding for me  :'(
Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
(Voltaire  1694 - 1778)

Keys Girl

I know, Whitney, I've been in that spot many times. 

My philosophy is "Living Well Is the Best Revenge".  I think the best message to send to your ex is that your are happy without him.  That you have a new husband who shares your live and gives you what he didn't give you.  That he is so far out of your life that you don't waste a minute thinking about him.

More than one man has told me that if you want to really hurt a man is.............wait for it..........ignore him.

If you send him the message to your ex that  ruined your son's wedding for you........he'll enjoy that and look forward to trying to do it again.

I would try to withdraw those documents......or amend the papers to send the funds to a charity that funds feeding the homeless in your town, anything that isn't connected to you.

I know how hard it is to have all those bad memories dredged up, and have those wounds ripped open again, but if you shut down the connection between him and you in every way, thought and action, you'll be much better off. 

Shut the weasel out of your life and deprive him of the pleasure of ruining your fun.  Leave him in the swamp of hatred and hostility where he belongs and stroll on into the sunshine on the bright side of the street where you belong.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Stilllearning

Although I agree that the ex should pay I have to agree that getting him to pay will probably cost you more than it is worth.  Presenting a hostile front may drive the wedge between you and your son farther in and make your son attach even more strongly to his father.  I am absolutely certain that you do not want either of those things to happen.  Your son is now married and I am sure that his new wife will wise up to your ex's ways and bring him around.  Turn your attention to keeping good relations with her even if your son is distant. 

I know it is not fair but nobody ever told me life was fair.  Sometimes the fight to make it fair is like quicksand and sucks us steadily deeper the harder we struggle.  Try to rise above if you can.  Go hug your wonderful husband and thank your lucky stars for him!  Lucky you!  Some people never find a wonderful replacement for their abusive ex spouse!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

luise.volta

W - This is probably the place to bring your angst. You are heard here with compassion. My guess is that as long as you attempt to be heard by your EX, he may be enjoying it. He's still a factor in your life...still successfully abusing you. He loved ruining your son's wedding for you and he will thoroughly enjoy any message you send that he was successful.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Quote from: Keys Girl on June 12, 2013, 06:21:57 am
My philosophy is "Living Well Is the Best Revenge". 


My philosophy as well.  :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

Write it down, fold it up, put it in a box or under a rock in a wall - and let it go. Sometimes we have to trust that "someone else" will take care of it/him. Go live well!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Whitney

Yeah.....y'all are right...it's foolish of me to provoke my EX.......I guess I'm not thinking rationally.

I thought that once my son's wedding was over, it would be easy to move on..."not dwell on my disappointment".....but a new emotion set in, perhaps a bit of grief knowing that the wedding is indeed over, and there's no fixing what happened.  When the turmoil began, I kept thinking things would fall into place, a compromise would be reached...and then I started seeing photos from the reception on Facebook, and I realized how much I missed out on :(

I do have a good life now with DH, and I really had moved on from my tumultuous 20-year marriage and bitter divorce....until my son's pre-wedding drama and then how I was virtually ignored at the reception...I'm so angry at my EX for instigating what happened.
Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
(Voltaire  1694 - 1778)

luise.volta

Good for you for sharing this cooling-off time. We're all with you in counting your blessings! :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama