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Alienated from my daughter

Started by Pearls, June 10, 2013, 05:40:41 PM

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Pearls

I left my husband 6 years ago, after 24 years of a marriage that was never easy.  The last straw was when he spat in my face.  I didn't want my 4 kids to grow up thinking this was how marriage was supposed to be.  We had separated twice before, but the kids don't remember that.  I suffered from depression for about a year and it took a lot of strength to finally leave.  I don't believe in divorce, and this was very hard.

My oldest daughter was 14 at the time, and she took it hard.  I moved out and rented a house with enough room for all 4 kids, but she never came.  Days turned into weeks into months into years, but still she stayed with Dad.  My biggest regret is that I didn't push it early on.  I kept telling her she was welcome to come whenever she wanted.  She believed the lies my ex told me (that there was another man, NOT true).  If you've ever heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome, this is it.  I think he wanted to make things so difficult for me that I'd come crawling back.  Still, I refuse to badmouth him in front of the kids and try to take the high road.

She didn't want me to come to her high school graduation a few years ago.  I had to beg a friend of a friend of a friend to get an extra ticket so I could go.  She missed her sister's first dance recital because she knew I'd be there.

So here I am, at 50 years old with a beautiful 20 year old daughter who doesn't care if she ever sees me again.  What can I do?  The odd thing is, we were very, very close before this.

To an outsider, you'd think that I must have been a bad mother, neglected her, abused her.  None of that is true.  I think she needed someone to hate for disrupting her life so she picked me.

The problem is, how did I let it go so long?  A part of me is dead inside.  I tried heavy duty praying, and you know what happened?  I got to see her in the ER because she got swine flu, and she still didn't talk to me. 

I text her, and she only responds if she needs something. 

Is there anything I can do to establish a relationship with her again?  It's been 6 years.  If she hasn't let me in her life by now, I'm afraid she never will, and I really don't know if I can live with that reality.

Keys Girl

Pearls, I'm not sure that your assumption that "pushing" earlier would have led to a different conclusion.  I don't doubt that your ex would have assumed that you would be back because you had separated twice before but had reconciled.  14 year olds are the soul of rebellion.  The no bad mouthing the ex advice hasn't always worked out well, young people and children can believe lies and the blame shifting of abusive former spouses and getting it sorted out is complicated at best.

I don't think it's possible to know if you will ever have a good relationship with her again.  For starters, I would stop contacting her or giving her anything.  It's like pounding on a locked door.  The person on the other side knows the door is locked and she alone can unlock it.

Your daughter is 20 now, so she's old enough to make her own choices and determine who she wants in her life.  You might have to be patient and allow her to determine whether there is a chance to work things out with her.

I think the only thing you can do is respect her choices, even if that means that (for the moment anyway) she doesn't want to keep in touch with you.

Good luck,
KG

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Pen

Pearls, welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this. It's very difficult and no decent mother deserves this treatment. However, KG is correct IMO. We can only control ourselves, unfortunately. Your DD will make her own choices, even bad and disappointing ones. You have the option of stewing in misery, pain and anger or getting on with your life. Sometimes AC actually respond when they realize that mom has a rich, vibrant, fulfilling life of her own. Not that we should have any expectations of a positive response, just that we've seen it happen.

Please take a moment to read the pink-highlighted items under Open Me First on the home page if you haven't already done so. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit for all.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Welcome Pearls and I echo what the others have said.  It is time for you to stop chasing her.  You have done everything you could at this point and it will take some maturity and life lessons on her part to possibly ever have a relationship with her.

One thing I have learned is that is seems those that are treated the worse, are those that are willing to hang in, no matter what.  It's like the other person "knows" you are not going anywhere and they can do whatever they want, and you'll still be there.

I was unwilling to be that person any longer for my OS/DIL in hopes that someday, he will look back and realize, "Whoa...Mom wasn't as bad as I was told or thought.  Now I know why she did this and that....." and will want to mend the fences.  Until then or if it never happens, I have been much happier and less stressed since I removed myself from the drama.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pearls

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies and good advice.  It's sad to accept that things might never change.  Maybe it is a good idea for me to give a final reminder that the door is always open, then just back off.  Whatever I've tried obviously hasn't worked.

Pen

It is very sad. You deserve to feel relief from hitting your head against that wall, though.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

clara

June 18, 2013, 03:23:06 PM #6 Last Edit: June 19, 2013, 07:04:00 AM by Pooh
I had a very similar divorce 25 years ago.  I hung on for 17 years and tried everything to make it work, including putting up with infidelity and abuse.  Looking back, the main thing I learned is that he would still be a jerk if he were still alive, may he rest in peace.  I think I mean that.  One of my children turned out much like him.  I guess I carry the lesson from the sadness that child has caused me as close to my heart as I am able:  children can break your heart and you can beat yourself up for not having found the magic way to save that bond, and fail, fail, fail.  A friend who doesn't know my son nevertheless had the wisest take I have heard so far on the unfairness of an ungrateful child:  maybe he just isn't a nice person.  Sorry not to have uplifting advice.  We just live this life the best we can and sometimes nothing you personally can do will change that.

Edit: Hi and welcome.  I removed a word and replaced it with a "nicer" word.  Please take a moment to read the highlighted threads under "open me first" for the rules and such.   

fantine

Hi all:

I can very much identify with this thread. My son and I are in a very similar entanglement.

Clara, I hope it's ok that I did this, but I found a portion of your post especially uplifting.
Quote from: clara on June 18, 2013, 03:23:06 PM
the unfairness of an ungrateful child:  maybe he just isn't a nice person.  Sorry not to have uplifting advice.  We just live this life the best we can and sometimes nothing you personally can do will change that. 

This is a very, very important observation. Now, having read that, I'm going to bed. I did my best with him; that's all I can do. The rest is up to him.

Thanks, everyone.
Fantine

freespirit

I too agree with that statement; about  the child not being a nice person.

I mean really; ...what kind of a daughter would let the mother hang like this? Especially if the mother has been always there for her  and has been a good mother. 

If you try to look at the situation from a stranger's eyes, or just imagine this happening to your friend, it might be easier to valuate you daughter's behavior in a cold calculating manner. If you do that, it makes it easier to let go. I know; I've been there too, and that method helped me the  most.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne