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Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Started by Beth 2011, April 11, 2013, 03:56:37 PM

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Pen

Luise, you often say here on the site, "We had a life before we had children and we can have a life when the children are off on their own." Or words to that effect. My life "pre-kids?" Spur-of-the-moment road trips, painting, drawing, singing, dancing, hiking, reading, learning, gardening, hitting the beach, camping, howling at the moon, lol. The road trips aren't as easy to pull off these days (DH pouts) but all the rest is certainly doable. DH & I took up kayaking & mountain biking! I suddenly remembered that I was a bit of tomboy, outdoorsy, sport-o woman in my younger days :) Now I'm tempted to take up glider flying again (if only it weren't so expensive!)

I suppose the same holds true for anyone we put our lives on hold for. Perhaps it's time for you to rent a little RV with Kirk and Sandy (or ??) and do a weekend campout as a practice run - complete with s'mores, lol! I can just see you guys sitting around the campfire while someone strums a ukulele and the stars twinkle high above. What else did you enjoy back in the day?

Your "new" life is still pretty new. It hasn't been that long since you were dealing with DH's dementia. Baby steps :) Much love and (((hugs)))

PS: Did I read your question correctly and did my response make sense?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Didi.lost

I too have not been here for a while.  I am starting to live my life without DD and without constantly having her on my mind.  You ladies really help all of us to move on after the heartache.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I couldn't have made it without you.  Life is more peaceful and enjoyable for DH & myself now.
I still hope some day she will change her ways and return to us but I don't stew over it anymore.  Well it has been a year and half for me, very rough year, so time to accept what is and carry on.

Life is good and getting better.

Bless us all.

luise.volta

D - Thank you for checking in. Wonderful to hear from you. I forwarded your post to our volunteer Webmaster, my son Kirk...to keep him inspired.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

June 02, 2013, 10:44:16 AM #18 Last Edit: June 02, 2013, 12:03:39 PM by luise.volta
Pen - Yes, your post is right on. I'm surprise to see that I've already initiated some of what you are describing without knowing it.

I'm reviewing what I have done over the last two years after Val got to where he no longer knew me and since his death in February. My fitness program was specifically, I thought, to burn calories, promote wellness and lose weight. Setting it up, I had no other, conscious goal. Yet, I have noticed and commented before on the fact that the grief and loss disappear when I am doing those activities. I thought is was endorphins, alone. I never for a moment got that my activities were connecting me to my "Pre-parent-homemaker-caregiver" life, and taking me back to the long ago joys of summering in our log cabin in the Huron National Forest of Michigan. Those idyllic summers actually continued until I turned 18 and headed for college.  (Nurse's training no longer allowed for summers off. And from there, I immediately married.)

In those long ago summers, I often walked many miles alone in the woods. Just as often, I took our canoe alone from lake to lake until I came to the deserted one that was my favorite, where I would spend the day on a little island.  :) The rest of the time, I lived on the beach...in and out of the water with friends who returned every summer, like I did. I was three years old when it started.

I do two things, now, that replicate those days...walking alone and performing cardiovascular exercise with a closely-knit group. I never, until this moment, saw the connection. Without knowing it, I have replicated my long, childhood jaunts, daily, (I live in the woods where critters abound and trails beckon), and have found a group to "play" with at Curves like my gang down on the shore of Sand Lake. (I don't like our pool here. It's too warm and saps my energy.) This is quite a revelation and very comforting.

It's a huge jump from being a carefree child to being a widow. I have been married all of the intervening years. Now, I am alone for the first time...at age 86. More is popping up. Here are the third and the fourth: my mother was a teacher and during those wonderful years, she read aloud to us every night, by kerosene lamp. I have just "gotten into" Audible.com and am again being "read to", nightly. (At the moment Jan Karon.) And...I just redecorated my little home in a totally rustic (cabin) motif. :D :D :D :D

What I have done, to help me remember Val back 10 years ago, before he lost contact with me and life, is to get out pictures of those days to display under the glass tops on my tables. The last decade pretty much erased much of it but the pictures are helping me bring it back. And apparently, as I approach 90, I am gifting myself with a new, (old), life. You have helped me to appreciate that. My perceptions of my "now" have expanded immensely! Thank you!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

marla

I've  been trying to figure out how to live with the hurt of being ignored by what seemed to be a wonderful daughter-in-law and my son.  The retirement and "rewiring" is getting old; I like the "pre-kids" self idea for my husband and me if we can pull it off with my new physical limitations.  We were always so happy traveling, so I know we need to do that more again without wishing the children were there.  Thank you for giving a name to it!

luise.volta

Welcome, M. Good for you for looking at what will work. I think I spent way too long focusing on what didn't work, but maybe that was just my own process. Please, if you haven't already done so, go to our Home Page and under "Open Me First" read the three posts there for new members. Most important is the Forum Agreement that has just kind of evolved in the two years we've been online. We hope it is a fit for you.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Didi.lost

Yes Luise, you tell that wonderful son of yours that this site has helped so many just to be able to survive alone and I can't thank him enough for keeping this site up and running.

Love him and you for your kindness and thoughtfulness.

I hope I can return the favour to someone who really needs it one day.

Lots of love
Didi.lost  is not lost anymore and I should change my name to Didi.fine

Pooh

So great to see so many Ladies posting that they are doing so much better!  Glad to see you all again and congrats!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell