Sad Mother's Day

[Susan E.]

"I've had expectations and it has led to a lot of disappointment."
Some of my expectations are so deeply ingrained from the way my parents raised me, it's hard to let them go.  I always treated both of my parents with love and respect, and always with civility.  That's just the way it was, and the way I still believe it should be.  I moved out of state and across the country with my first husband when I was in my 20's and I never forgot birthdays or Mothers Day or Fathers Day - always sent a card and/or a phone call.  It just seems odd to me that we, as mothers, should not expect our children to regard us with even the minimum of respect.  Mine can keep the gifts and the cards (I don't get those either anymore ).   But I expect them to treat me with respect; I don't assume that they will, and I can't demand or force them (which would be disrespectful to them).  I know in my heart that I am not undeserving of their respect.  But I have reluctantly accepted that they don't have the same respect for me as I did for my parents.  I wonder what are we teaching their children and the rest of society if they see us accepting their  indifference and abuse?  They don't have the guts to tell me, but I assume my two AC blame me for their failures and have estranged from me because I refuse to live by their rules of "entitlement".  I also uphold the role of being their MOTHER, not their "friend".  So - it is what it is.  I can't change it. 
DM, I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist.  Your post sounds like you've been "wading through the muck" and now setting foot on firm ground.  (((hugs)))   LP

[Pooh]

Lucy, I'm hoping I'm teaching them and society that I'm not accepting of their indifference or disrespect.  By telling my OS that I wasn't going to accept the behavior any longer and not having contact with him, I hope I'm sending a clear message to him (and probably any other friend/family) that he is free to live his life how he sees fit, but so am I.   I didn't allow him to be a disrespectful child but now I have no say-so any longer in how he behaves.  I only have say-so in how I react to the behavior.

I think many of us, including me, had very realistic expectations of common courtesy and naturally keeping in contact and spending time with our adult children.  We just assumed that's how life was supposed to be and I don't think anyone is wrong for thinking that.  I think it's when it doesn't work out, for whatever reason they don't feel the same, and you continue to keep those expectations and dwell on them, that leads us to continuous disappointment. 

[dedicatedmom]

LP thanks for your words. You express exactly how i feel and was with my parents. Pooh i do dwell on it and is why i must get into therapy. I recognize i need to sort it all out. Waking in the middle wondering what i did wrong is no way to live. 

[luise.volta]

I have learned in trying to sort things out that I can't make sense of the senseless. Sending hugs...

[dedicatedmom]

LP thanks for your words. You express exactly how i feel and was with my parents. Pooh i do dwell on it and is why i must get into therapy. I recognize i need to sort it all out. Waking in the middle wondering what i did wrong is no way to live. 

[Stilllearning]

Although I do believe we can make ourselves crazy trying to "make sense of the senseless" here is my take on the AC who have run to their abusive parents and forsaken the parent who took care of them.  They are just doing what they have done their whole lives.....trying to please and get the approval of someone who is so incredibly self centered that it would not occur to the parent to offer that approval.  Meanwhile the children know that regardless of how horribly they treat the approving parent, that parent will always love them.  Is it any wonder that they mindlessly hurt us in their efforts to attain love that is not only unattainable but actually may be non-existent?

Teaching these AC that you will "always be there" may not be the best life lesson for them.  I am not saying to turn your back on them, but stop letting them walk all over you with no repercussions.  Yes, you are their Mom and you will always love them but that doesn't mean you always want to be around them.  Sometimes being around them is unpleasant, and IMHO you should let them know about those times.

It is not fair that you have to go through this!  Seems like it should be enough that you finally got out of an abusive relationship with you ex....you should not have to enter another abusive relationship with your AC.  So sorry!