Having A Bad Day

[Gail]

Yes, Pen - we need to feel what we feel and still not get stuck there. Simple but not easy! Sending love...

   It's not easy to move on.....   my heart is so heavy, not just for myself, but, for all the stories I have read here....  knowing that many "mom's" are going through similar things as me.   Missing our children and not understanding why they don't care, why they don't want to continue in a loving relationship with us, why they would even choose to prefer one family over another.  Why it's so hard to make a genuine effort in any area of a relationship with their own parents and also to do this with their children and grandparents.

[luise.volta]

My take is that "Whys" are almost always about expectations. They are ours and no one is responsible for meeting them. We give our children our best and when they become adults they are at choice. This is really, really hard!

[Pen]

Thanks for this thread! I've had a couple of bad days recently myself and am trying to pull out of it but finding it difficult. I'm reading Anne Lamott's "Help Thanks Wow" book, working out, counting my blessings, yadda yadda yadda - and still find myself in tears at the least little thing. Sure, it could just be hormonal and not due to missing DS, being worried about DDD, being forgotten and overlooked at work, not having extended family around, etc. One mental image of someone else's happy family gathering (usually DIL's FOO or my SM & DF w/ SM's AC & GC come to mind) and I'm off and running - envy, sorrow, anger, you name it. Arrgghh!! This week acceptance is elusive but I'm still hopeful, I think... 

[luise.volta]

I, for one, go that at times, too...P. I wonder if we all do? Listing everything we are grateful for isn't an eraser. The list of what we would like to be different doesn't go away, including the sense of injustice and unfulfilled expectations when it captures our focus. Sending love...

[Pooh]

I have that at times as well and it seems to be triggered by some small thing and then it really isn't about my OS.  It's about everything that is going on.  Health, chronic pain, GD, the weather.....you name it.  Something with OS may be the trigger, or OS injustices may appear with the rest of it but I've figured out it's more like "life is not fair and here is my list of everything that is going wrong!!!!!"

I think it's normal and if we didn't have "Family" - whatever your title is - insert here) issues, we would still have these moments about everything else in our lives.  Life is hard.  Even without the problem title/titles we discuss here, it would still be hard at times.  That helps me put a perspective on it when I get like that.

Hang in there Pen...thinking about you.

[luise.volta]

That's wise, Pooh...and useful. It's kind of an avalanche thing for me. My take is that it's healthy and necessary to acknowledge this stuff. Then I have to be careful to not get stuck there or the blessings fade. Love you guys!

[Pen]

Luise, that's exactly what my counselor told me yesterday. I have been having a few bad days, missing DS and feeling like an old bridge in a failing infrastructure (what's the term they're using - "structurally obsolete?") I was concerned because I haven't been able to completely shake some hurt and sadness that has crept in lately. (DS has been busy w/ILs & work & school, I get it. DS will be traveling, I get it. DS said he'd try to fit in a visit but hasn't been able to and now it will be months 'til we have a chance to see him. At this point a phone call would be great, but I'm not holding my breath and I'm certainly not going to initiate it.) Anyway, I just wanted to make sure my feelings were justified. My counselor assured me they were  - if I were calling him daily, stopping by his work, knocking on his door, etc. my behavior would be crazy. Just missing my son isn't crazy. She said we have to acknowledge our feelings and be OK with them, but if they take over our life and make daily living impossible we might need to seek help. She then reminded me of the "Welcome to Holland" story and I said it was more like "Welcome to __________" (a depressed city in the US.) I'm off to count my blessings now

[luise.volta]

Good for you, Pen! I once thought positive affirmations would erase or at least cover up my pain. What I learned was how unhealthy it is to try to deny my feelings about what is to simply the truth. It's part and parcel to how my life turned out...at least for now...(and that's where I live.) It's a process and when I honestly feel how I feel...I can move through it. Not to denial and pie in the sky but to acceptance...however qualified by my pretty darn reasonable expectations. There's a place I call. "It is." And even though I never get beyond it to "So what?"...I can still bring my positive affirmations forth and flourish. "You matter, Luise...no one can decree that you don't unless you agree!" Like that... :-)

[Beth 2011]

Pen, I know what you mean, I find myself just looking at everything around me and everyone....living situations, health issues, family issues.... and it feels like weights pulling you down.  But then my eyes get watery or I have a good cry and I usually feel better because I know I have to keep going.  No matter how tough things get I just keep moving.  This is the toughest thing to do at times but we do it.

[Pen]

Yup, we keep moving. Instead of counting blessings today, DH asked me to help him screen the dirt in our raised bed herb garden to get out Japanese beetle grubs. There were a lot of them. Almost as many as blessings, lol. Anyway, it was like a meditation after I stopped whining and got into the rhythm of dig-search-toss-dig. I'm still sad about DS, but I got a lot done and the huge rack of ribs DH has been smoking all day is almost done to perfection. Yum!

[luise.volta]

Sniffing the air...yum! :-)

Yes. Getting busy and letting go of a train of thought is what happens to me when I exercise. My focus shifts...and I move out of the perception my mind is dwelling on and the attendant emotions! Whew!

[Lillycache]

I've been having a few bad days..  First off.. We had to have our beloved little Doggie put to sleep last Wednesday...  THEN my husband worked Friday.. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.. so I was alone all 4 days and feeling sorry for  myself.  Especially when friends on FB were posting pics of family parties, Barbeques, and camping trips..   I realize that I really have no family... and it's depressing.  Most times I try to stay busy and focused on other things... It's holiday weekends alone that bring it all to the forefront.    I tried to get out to our cruise ship, but didn't quite make it.

[luise.volta]

LC - I hear you. I've gotten stuck the same way more times that I can count. Not so much any more but I have a few years on you. My main support person left yesterday for five days at a conference in the Midwest.  Lets meet over "you know where" right now! OK? Sending love...

[Pen]

So sorry to hear about your beloved doggie, LC. Losing a pet is very difficult. It's also difficult to realize you have no family - I've been dealing with this lately, too. Avoiding FB helps, but TV commercials and innocent conversations with friends can sink me pretty quickly if I'm not careful. DH isn't very supportive - he doesn't have the need to have anyone but me in his life. Unfortunately I am more family-oriented and social.

It's bizarre to find myself in this situation, not clear on how I got here..DH & I stayed put, everyone else moved away and/or got involved with their shiny, new families. It's very sad to go from a big family table to TV trays. I did not choose this, and I'm still not used to it. On the bright side, less clean up and a lower food bill.

[luise.volta]

Just a thought: I wonder if we would like to have a pet memorial thread with pictures? I can't believe the loss I still feel two years after my Chihuahua, "Me, Too" left us. There is nothing like doggie-love in my experience and when I got Rosa, my Corgi-mix sweetheart, it was a shock to get that she has a longer life expectancy than I do and that I needed to arrange for that before I took her....which I did. My dear ex-DIL will take her.