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Son is getting married, wants me to dismiss restraining order against his dad

Started by Whitney, May 06, 2013, 01:13:13 PM

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Keys Girl

Evalyn, I'm going to put my 2 cents in because of my insight gained in unfortunate circumstances.

Quote from: Evalyn on May 13, 2013, 08:19:24 AM
If your ex does make a fool of himself I doubt very much if he will be invited to future family gatherings. Your DIL and her family will make sure of that.
I wouldn't count on that.  People who are master manipulators are well versed in "smoothing things over" with everyone and anyone and soon all kinds of bad behaviour is forgotten

By attending the Wedding you could save yourself a lot of heartache in the future.
I wouldn't count on that.  There are no guarantees in any set of circumstances, but if you are dealing with an individual who has to have a restraining order to assure he won't harm his ex, there is a constant need for constant vigilance.  I say this from my own background, where I did have a RO against my ex at the insistence of the local Police force when I left the family home.

If, however, your DS refuses to take responsibility for your safetly, the answer is clear. Don't go.
I wouldn't ever leave the responsibility for my own safety in anyone else's hands, especially not the person who had brought me a set of restrictions that would leave you uncomfortable and stressed to say the least.

Whitney, it's a heartbreaking conundrum, but if you do go to the wedding, I don't think it's a stretch to bring a bodyguard and have him attend the wedding in some capacity (not necessarily in uniform). 

It can be difficult for other people who haven't dealt with abuse to understand the depth of difficulty in these circumstances.  I had only 2 friends who supported my decision to leave an abusive relationship but there were dozens of MY friends whose loyalty to my ex was founded on his charming and amusing manner with them and they berated and scolded me for leaving the scoundrel.  Sometimes it's difficult for others who haven't experienced these types of dynamics to understand how complicated they are behind the scenes.

I think the lyrics of the Hill Street Blues theme say it best "Let's be careful out there".

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Whitney

U P D A T E:
Hey Ladies, I went to the hearing this a.m., and my EX did not show up!  So he was not there to defend himself.  The judge reviewed my petition for the RO from 11 years ago and responded "he uses some brutal language" and she did not want to dismiss the RO.  I said, I'm afraid that my son will then choose to have his dad at the wedding over having me there, and this is why I am here today.  She said she was sorry to hear that but it wasn't surprising that my son is manipulating me having learned it from his dad.  So she modified the RO for my EX to "attend the wedding, but that he is to have no contact" with me.  And otherwise, the RO stays in effect.  She also told me to notify the staff at the hotel where the wedding takes place so they will be aware of the circumstances, and to take a copy of the RO with me.
I really appreciate having this forum to vent and THANKS for all of the support and advice.  The wedding is June 1st; I'll post an update to let ya know how it went.  Hugs and kisses!
Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
(Voltaire  1694 - 1778)

Pen

Whitney, thanks for the update! Do let us know how it goes, and please keep reading and posting.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

fangle

It's a pity a mess was created for you to clean up.  But you were proactive, took charge and got it sorted out.  Good for you!  I hope that you have a lovely time and I wish you all the best and best wishes to your Son and FDIL for their upcoming nuptials. xo

Evalyn

Wonderful news Whitney. I am so glad you will be able to attend the wedding. It will be a great opportunity to get to know the Bride's family and make new friends.
I know we will all be thinking of you on June 1st. Love Evalyn xxx

Whitney

U P D A T E:
Hey Ladies -
So the wedding took place last night, and I "survived" the experience.....my EX and I never made eye contact, and we did our best to ignore each other....it was a little weird being ignored by him actually, having spent so many years being emotionally battered by him.  The nearest contact we had was when we passed each other taking turns to participate in the rituals of the 1 1/2 hour long ethnic ceremony (my son married an Indian-American girl in a traditional Hindu ceremony).  I went to the reception for a little while; my EX and I were at separate tables, obviously, and although there was a professional photographer, we never posed together in any photos.
My DH waited patiently in the hotel room for me.
I thought I would feel better today, but apparently it's going to take more time to get over my disappointment at how I was treated.  On Facebook recently, I saw this inspiration:  "I will not dwell on my disappointment; I will focus on the future".  So I'm going to take deep breaths...and tomorrow is another day.
I appreciate having you Ladies to vent to, and I still check the website everyday for the camaraderie.
Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
(Voltaire  1694 - 1778)

luise.volta

Whew! You made it. Not ideal but it's behind you now. (We were all there in a little invisible pocket over your heart.)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

W, I love your quote:  "I will not dwell on my disappointment; I will focus on the future".  We appreciate you being here, too. I'm glad you survived intact & are taking the time to heal. Good on DH for being patient. Good guy there.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

FAFE

Whitney, I am so very proud of you!  You are a survivor and taking the high road is always good.  Hope your DS gets his head out of his patootie and grows up a little. 

Pooh

So glad, although it  made it feel weird for you, that everything went well.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Keys Girl

Good for you in being able to attend, and not had to deal with the ex. 

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Evalyn

So pleased for you Whitney. As time goes by, I am sure you will remember the happy parts of the day and the negative parts fade away.
It is sad that your DH could not attend too. In future this may change. Your DIL will have more of a say in who attends their family events.
I wish you lots of love and happiness. Evalyn :)

tryingmybest

I agree with Keys, think this will be the first of many requests for concessions from you. I would inform DS, that the restraining order was obtained for a reason, and wish them well. geez this is getting to be too common. Adult sons clinging to contact with Fathers who did a miserable job in the role, while turning away from mothers who were always there for them. Going through the same thing. I think the hard truth is if your DS is asking you to do this, your well being is not really that important to him. You are not a priority. It's up to you to make yourself and your DH the priority. I would wish them well.