March 28, 2024, 11:37:34 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Son is getting married, wants me to dismiss restraining order against his dad

Started by Whitney, May 06, 2013, 01:13:13 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Whitney

My son is 29 and is getting married in 4 weeks in an elaborate ethnic 2-day ceremony. I have been SO excited about it, but he has made my attendance conditional on getting the restraining order dismissed (it's 11 years old), and also that my "new" husband not attend as - in his words - "if dad sees your husband, there WILL be violence.
Is it just me, or does that sound contradictory???
My EX and I have had no contact in 10 years, and my son says that his dad is no longer angry at me - he blames my new husband for the breakup of the marriage (which isn't true, we didn't even start dating until the divorce was final).
I had already accepted that my hubby would not be with me to celebrate this wedding - but getting the restraining order dismissed so my EX will not suffer consequences if he does become uncivil......my head is swirling with disbelief and disappointment that my son is insisting on this...his dad is manipulative, domineering and demanding.  All I can guess is that my son is still trying to please him by making sure that he is at the wedding - even if is means I am not.
So I dunno if I should just not go, or get the restraining order dismissed and take my chances....
Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
(Voltaire  1694 - 1778)

Keys Girl

Whitney, I don't think you should allow your son to blackmail you.  Period.   

As for getting the restraining order dismissed for an occasion where there "WILL be violence" for whatever reason, liquor tends to flow as wide as the Mississippi during wedding receptions, and emotions can run high.........No. 

Restraining orders are there for a reason and reasonable people don't need them.  There is no reason to dismiss the restraining order unless harassment and/or worse are in the cards and the person whose behaviour has been the problem is unwilling, unable or tempted to behave badly and wants to mitigate the legal consequences.

I'm sorry you've been put in this position, I suspect the ex is pressuring your son to have you dismiss the restraining order.  Either way, it's a bad idea and it's quite inconsiderate of your son to put you on the spot this way.  Blackmail is nasty, and if you give in to his terms, you can expect more in the future.   

I think you should decided what your terms are and then pass them along to your son.  I can't imagine enjoying a celebration with the subtle undercurrent of violence in the air.

Good luck,

KG


*Full Disclosure - I did not attend my son's wedding and it was difficult but I've consoled myself with the fact that I brought him up and was there for 30 years for him, so if I missed one day (his bride wanted the big shindig and he wanted a simple ceremony), there were a lot more days that I was there for him.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

fangle

My take - nothing is more important than your personal safety.  Your Son is an adult now and does not need protecting, so I hope that you can just think about your needs here. 
Manipulation by people to ruin fun and loving celebrations in my experience is very frustrating.  Sadly, I have found that the only way that I have been able to deal with it is to just let it go and not get my hopes up anymore. I try very hard these days not to allow my expectations to exceed what I know others are capable of. 
This is a sad situation and I wish you all the best Whitney.  Do what is best for you! Good Luck.  I'm thinking of you. xo

Stilllearning

If your ex-husband is very manipulative and wanted to 'get you back' then he would try to get you somewhere without your support structure (your current husband) and then insure that he had a legal right to be there (drop the restraining order).  I do not think your son should ask you to do that.  It leaves you exposed.  However he has asked and I can certainly understand your reluctance to agree.  I think you should approach your son with a suggestion for a compromise.  It seems to me that a two day celebration would have several separate events.  Surely you and your new husband could attend some of them and your ex could attend others and you could avoid your ex again and still keep the restraining order intact just in case.
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Lillycache

I am  so sorry you are being blackmailed... it's not fair... it's manipulative and just really stinks...  Here's my feeling..  I would politely let my son know that I will not be attending under his stipulations.   I also wouldn't be going anywhere without my husband for support.  It's his wedding.... I guess he can call the shots... BUT.. YOU get to decide if his stipulations work for YOU.  Nothing and I mean nothing.. not even your son's wedding should make you walk into an unsafe situation... or even one that has any potential of becoming unsafe.   It sounds to me that you and your husband have been unfairly blamed for something... he has already made up his mind who and what he believes.. you won't be changing that anyway.   Why put yourself in harms way? 

Scoop

I think it's worth talking to a lawyer to see what your options are.   I don't know much about ROs, but I think it would be worth looking into.

Because, I thought that a restraining order was 'invalid' if YOU put yourself in his company.  So you don't need to get it dismissed in order to attend the actual wedding BUT it's still in effect if your xDh hunts you down beforehand or afterwards.  If DS asks, just say "I spoke with my lawyer, I took care of it, don't worry."

Also, I think you should point out to DS when he says things like "there will be violence" - don't be afraid to say "Do you HEAR yourself?"  and follow it up with "Can you see ME instigating any violence or even drama, no matter WHO shows up at your wedding? Then why are you asking ME to compromise?"

Is the wedding far from your home?  Would your DH come with you, just as moral support during any 'down time'?  That way you don't have to be afraid to sleep by yourself in a hotel room.  Tell him you'll buy him some pay-per-view sports event and a case of beer.  (Isn't that the equivalent to a spa day for women?)

Whitney

I am SO grateful to have found a forum to vent - I'm afraid I'm driving my hubby and girlfriends nuts!  I REALLY appreciate all of the comments so far, and some of them do indeed give me more to think about.  Yes, I tried the COMPROMISE strategy since the wedding is a 2-day event, but it fell on deaf ears. 
The whole thing just does not make sense...I have always been so proud of my son, thrilled with his academic success, and loved his fiance from the first time I met her.  My son and my 2nd hubby have had a cordial relationship since we got married.  We live 5 hours apart, but DS has been home to visit numerous times, and hubby and I have been down to visit him.  All I can figure out is that DS is still trying to please his demanding dad - a man who is never happy or satisfied, and it seems that DS's continuing effort to please him is now at my expense.  I just wish I knew how to get over the heartbreak :(
Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
(Voltaire  1694 - 1778)

Lillycache

Look at it this way...  Your DS wants both of his parents at his wedding.   He knows his father is demanding and manipulative and unbending.. .. He also knows you are understanding and compromising.   SOOO...  in his mind he is solving the problem.   He gets you to meet the demands because he fully expects you will do it for him... and he makes his father happy and HE gets to have both his parents at his wedding... which is what will make HIM happy.   Trust me.. there is little thougt being given to your feelings and what will make you happy... because of course we are expected to think of them... not ourselves.   

I agree with Scoop... Talk to a lawyer about the RO and if you have to have it rescended in order to attend an event like this.  You may just not have to do that.    I also agree with taking your husband with you even if he doesn't attend the event.  Why is that even a problem for your son? 

Lillycache

I wish we could edit posts... because I want to add..   If this were me.. I would tell son that if my DH could not even accompany me to the hotel room... I wouldn't be coming.  You will need your husband there as your support.   Is your EX remarried?   Is HIS wife banned from the festivities?

Whitney

Additional info:  The wedding is in a hotel, and Yes, DH will be in the room with me if I go...though he is not fond of the idea of getting the RO dismissed.  Regarding speaking to an attorney - I did - MY SON IS AN ATTORNEY.  You can't make this stuff up.  He believes that a "piece of paper" (the RO) can't protect me...but it can cause his dad to spend up to a year in jail if he's arrested for aggression towards me at the wedding.  So this is about protecting his dad.  I like Scoop's comment that I should ask my son:  Do you hear yourself???
As for my EX bringing anyone to the wedding, I have no idea.  Since the divorce, I am aware of two relationships he was in, but....I swear I am not making this up - both of the women died of alcohol poisoning.  Apparently, he really lowered his standards when it came to his choice of girlfriends, and these were the kind of women my daughter got to be around as a teen when she went to visit him. 
Gosh....the more I write, the more preposterous this all sounds....I almost can't believe I'm considering going to the wedding under the circumstances....I just need to figure out to deal with my terrible disappointment.  This isn't just about the wedding, it's about learning how little regard my son has for me :(
Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
(Voltaire  1694 - 1778)

Lillycache

Well... You've come to the right place Whitney.  Most of us here came to that rude awakening at some time or another.  In fact, I'm having one of those days where I question if I should have even HAD kids... that feeling waxes and wanes though.  I'm glad I had the experience.  It's the adult versions I'm not really thrilled with at the moment.

Scoop

Whitney - talk to an OBJECTIVE lawyer!  Your DS is too close to this.  If you talk to a lawyer, and the lawyer says that "If you go to the wedding, and your Ex is there, HE can't be arrested for breaking the RO" - then you can go to the wedding with no worries.  However, if your EX follows you to your room, or otherwise aggresses you, you still have the protection of the RO and he CAN go to jail.   This is your ace in the hole.

And I repeat, it's not lying to your DS if you say "Oh, I took care of that" in regards to the RO, because you did.  You ensured that your EX will not be sent to jail, just for attending your DS's wedding (which is fair), however if your EX makes a bad choice and decides to be aggressive, you do have some protection.

Good luck.


freespirit

There are so many fantastic suggestions here, I can't really add to them.

I just wonder if your son really realizes what he is asking of you? Why would he do this? If he never liked your husband, that may explain how he doesn't want him at his wedding, but what a terrible way to go about it.

I don't know. But if my son wouldn't want to accept me with my husband, then he would have to forfeit me too.  He is giving you the alternatives. Maybe you should give them right back to him. It's just that this may be the stepping stone to all other family events. What happens when your grandchild is born etc.? I feel you need to show your limits; ...not your son.

I know, - this is easier said than done
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Evalyn

Whitney, Scoop has some great advice. It sounds to me as if your DS is afraid of upsetting his father in case he causes a scene at the wedding. If the RO can be amended so that your exH can attend the wedding but still giving you protection, that sounds reasonable to me.
Could you compromise by only attending the actual marriage ceremony? If you avoid the party your exH won't be able to make a scene. I imagine he would at least stay sober for the actual ceremony. It is, after all, the marriage vows that are the important thing in my opinion.

Keys Girl

If you have the RO suspended to attend the wedding, you could always bring an additional 2 "guests" (private security people whose job it is to make sure that your ex behaves).  You could put that option to your son as a condition on suspending the order for whatever time if the lawyer thinks that is a good idea.  Maybe your son should pay for the security types because he is the one asking for concessions.

It's very difficult to find out that your son is prepared to ask you to do this wherever it is coming from (your ex, etc.), but since he will soon have a wife, and if there are children down the road, he may come back to you in the future and expect you to "adapt".

KG 

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown