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Son is getting married, wants me to dismiss restraining order against his dad

Started by Whitney, May 06, 2013, 01:13:13 PM

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luise.volta

I would pass on the wedding because of the conditions whether reasonable or not. I don't respect that kind of negotiating. I'd thank him sincerely for the invitation and let him know that I looked forward to seeing them both for less structured visits. Just my take...I'm not up for manipulation and wouldn't feel welcome in that framework.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

I was going to say the exact thing Louise said.  I would pass politely.  I do not do well with ultimatums, especially when it comes to your safety and the comment you DS made about violence.  I can compromise, but when all the compromise is on one side, that's not compromise...it is manipulation.

If you can't stomach the idea of not going, then Scoop was dead on with her advice.  Every state is different, where I live, when you voluntarily went to an event where you knew beforehand Ex would be, the RO would not be in effect anyway and the Ex couldn't get arrested based on the RO, but it would remain in effect after you left.  Contacting an objective Attorney to find out, would be the way to go.

I also wouldn't be manipulated.  I would put it back on DS to make a decision based on what you are willing to do.  I would have to tell my DS that I was sorry that I wouldn't be able to attend because the rules he was setting for me were not acceptable and not needed on your end.  He's making a choice, not you.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Lillycache

Don't restraining orders simply state that the offending party must stay a certain number of yards or feet from the other party?  I don't think that would preclude both from attending the wedding so long as they kept away from one another.    But that said.. I agree with the others. 

Whitney

Gosh, I REALLY appreciate the comments and moral support. 
When my son first told me not to bring my DH because it would inflame his dad's emotions, and he would not compromise on separate attendances at the various events over 2 days, I decided that THIS time I would put my DH first, and not attend the wedding without him.  I emailed the bride's mother to tell her, and though she came back with: "we cannot imagine you not being there, you have been so enthusiastic and supportive", she also wrote that I should put my "responsibility as mother" first and attend without my DH.  So with the guilt trip laid on, I decided I would attend just the religious part of the ceremony......THEN, my son brought up the restraining order.....the bride's parents DO NOT KNOW about the RO....I'm sure they would be horrified.  This whole thing is so embarrassing....I really doubt I will go the wedding :(  I just don't know what the future holds when there are GRANDCHILDREN.....am I going to go through this AGAIN???
Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
(Voltaire  1694 - 1778)

luise.volta

The problem isn't going to go away. It's probably going to show up over and over again. I gotta' tell you that I would bristle if someone told me what my responsibility as a mother "should" look like. I don't take it well when others "should" on me.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Lillycache

IMO the bride's mother has NO business laying a guilt trip on you... AND I would tell her that your first responsibility is to your husband.. your son is a grown man and your son is being unreasonable.  Better be careful though and set the record straight or YOU are going to be labeled as an angry shrew who refused to attend your own son's wedding because your EX was going to be there.  Your son isn't going to tell them this was not your doing nor are you the one making demands.  Once they get it in their heads that you are at fault and wrong... so many other things will be laid at your feet in the future..  Trust me... I KNOW first hand.

FAFE

It is also your son's responsibility to respect his mother.  Apparently that is not a factor in this case.  I know you are torn but if you give in to this request, it will only establish a pattern down the road. 

Sorry you are having to go thru this. 

Keys Girl

The bride's mother has no business telling you anything.  You don't have to explain anything to her.

I would be tempted to tell them about the RO.  These kinds of circumstances lead to you being portrayed as the "unreasonable" one, when in fact others don't have all the pieces of the puzzle. While they shouldn't judge, they probably will.

There is no obligation to keep this kind of info a secret, and doing so helps the development of these kinds of manipulative  circumstances.  There is also the case to be made that the bride should know about this.  Her father-in-law is someone who could be troublesome to her in the future and hiding his background doesn't do her any favours.  It would appear that your son hasn't told her, otherwise her mother would know about it.

I expect that unfortunately all major events, children, etc. will be subject to all kinds of hassles, and this occasion will likely cast the precedent for the future.  It's very sad but how lucky you are to have a DH who can help you through it.

KG

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Lillycache

Whitney... unfortunately you are entering into a catagory that we mothers of boys sadly and unknowingly find ourselves in.  As soon as the final vows are taken up at the alter, we suddenly cease to be "my fiance's mother" and morph into that mythical magical creature not so fondly known as "MY MIL"!!  In my case,  I didn't realize that I was suddenly a force to be dealt with and without mercy.  It came as a surprise to me to realize that after 10 years... my DIL and her family had been critiquing my every action and word, and coming up with the most absurd hidden meanings an motives that I couldn't in my wildest imagination have come up with. In fact it would have been laughable if my relationship with my son and my grandchildren didn't hang in the balance. 

I wish to spare you the shock of it and you need to prepare yourself just in case.  This incident, if not set straight COULD be the fodder for questioning every single thing you do and say in the future.  Now... I'm not saying that it's an absolute 100% sure outcome.  Many women and their DILs and their families get along fine..  BUT from years of talking to and listening to the stories of moms of boys, and from my own experiences... the potential is there..  Forewarned is forewise they say.  Just be aware of the possible dynamics. 


Whitney

Wow - you all make so many valid points for me to consider. 
Yes, I have been wondering how my future relationship will be with the bride's family....while I do not want to appear as a shrew or a spoiled brat for not getting my way, I hesitate to be so forthcoming, i.e., to set the record straight about the RO, because I'm trying to protect my son and HIS relationship with his future in-laws ....though, indeed maybe they SHOULD be informed, but I have just never been one to... "meddle" for lack of a better word. 
And due to me living 300 miles from the bride's parents, as well as my son and his fiance, I don't expect a lot of interaction with the bride's parents.
According to my son, his fiance DOES know about the RO, but as I've said, his opinion is that it does ME no good and is a worthless piece of paper for my sake - so he has probably convinced her of the same.
Lillycache, my heart goes out to you for the strife with your DIL and her family :(
Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
(Voltaire  1694 - 1778)

Pooh

Well if it's a worthless piece of paper....then what's his issue with you keeping it? :)  Sorry, my sarcasm gets me in trouble in situation like these where someone makes comments like that.

Lilly, I can only answer for the state I live in, but if you take out an RO here on someone, it automatically becomes a goes-both-ways type of thing.  If I took out a restraining order against Luise (ha ha ha) but yet I purposefully went to a wedding where I knew she would be, and she started giving me a hard time, then I couldn't have her arrested based on the RO because technically, I violated it by going where I knew she would be and where we were both invited guests.

It keeps me from taking out a restraining order against Luise, then purposefully showing up where she was just to try to get her arrested.   
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

ohHolland

Don't go. The bad far outweighs whatever good feelings you might enjoy. Chances are they would be fleeting and probably without foundation. Hold your head up high, decline with a modest wedding gift, and have a lovely day with your husband instead.

About your RO -- check to see if it has expired. I don't believe one would stay in effect for 11 years. Since your own son admits his father still has the capacity for violence, do get a fresh restraining order to legally indicate that remains the status.

Evalyn

Whitney, the real issue is that you desperately want to be at your DS's wedding. It seems to me, reading through your posts again that it your DH that your ex has a problem with, not you.

With that in mind, the solution could be to ask your DS to be responsible for your safety. Surely he would be willing to do that by ensuring people are around you. Or hire a bodyguard for you.

The RO is not likely to be in force after 11 years, if it is, you can have it altered for the wedding to allow you to attend. The last thing your DS wants is for your ex to make a scene. If the ex attempts in any way to harm you, he will be ejected from the wedding so fast his feet will not touch the ground.

He is the one who has everything to lose by behaving badly, I am sure your DS will make it very clear to him that any nonsense will result in him being ejected from the weddng.

It would be a wise precaution to inform the Hotel that the number of your room is NOT to be given out to anyone.
For the sake of future family harmony and your own happiness, it might be worth being really brave and attending the wedding.

If your ex does make a fool of himself I doubt very much if he will be invited to future family gatherings. Your DIL and her family will make sure of that.

I say these things because you have a good relationship with your DS. I can tell how much you want to be at the wedding.

By attending the Wedding you could save yourself a lot of heartache in the future.

If, however, your DS refuses to take responsibility for your safetly, the answer is clear. Don't go.

Whitney

UPDATE:  Before I discovered this website, I had filed a motion at the courthouse about getting the RO dismissed (it's permanent so it is, indeed, still in effect).
Last week I received a letter to appear before a judge on Friday, 5/17/2013 - and my EX is summoned to be there as well! Ugh.  My DH will go with me, plus you have to go thru security screening (like at the airport) in order to enter the courthouse so I will be ok. 
I am going to tell the judge it is my understanding that the only way both the EX and I can attend the wedding (legally) is for the RO to be dismissed; otherwise, I do not want it dismissed.  I have also learned recently that the RO can be modified for just one day/event, i.e., "dismissed" for just the wedding, and then go back into effect.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
(Voltaire  1694 - 1778)

luise.volta

Sounds like you are doing a good job of being your own advocate. I wonder if it might be too much to ask to enroll your son in keeping you safe on a day when his focus is on his marriage. A body guard sounds off the wall but maybe it's not. The problem is that you and your "ex" were both invited, right? To me, that gives him too much credibility with his history and you not enough consideration. As usual, all of us here run the issue through our own filters...mine is that if your "ex" was invited...it precludes your attendance. Their choice. I would wish them well and send something lovely along with my love knowing they would understand that my safety was the deciding factor.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama