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What would you do?

Started by nikncon, May 03, 2013, 06:46:56 PM

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nikncon

Hello friends.I need your advice.My DS is coming to visit for a few days.When he called DS asked if the two of us could go out for dinner one night and would DH mind.DH is not my son's father..I would love to go with DS but I don't want to hurt DH's feelings.I'm sure that DH would say sure no problem but I feel guilty about leaving him home alone.If his DS would want to do that with his DF I would be happy for them to have some time alone together.Helpxx

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Keys Girl

I would go out to dinner with him.  It seems he has something on his mind and would be more comfortable with discussing it with you.  Since he's asked and it's a reasonable request, I don't see any reason not to agree to it.  Your husband should be able to manage a few hours on his own without you, forget the guilt.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

confusedbyinlaws

I agree.  I would go.   He asked if just the two of you could go for a reason and your husband will be fine.  Enjoy a nice dinner with your son.

Scoop

I would go with the hope of having a nice conversation and a good time, but I would have a back-up plan in case things go sour.

If you think this might be an ambush, an "airing-of-nikncon's-various-faults-and-how-she-has-screwed-everything-up-since-he-was-a-teenager" type thing, then have an exit strategy.  Make sure you have cash to cover your share of the bill and that you're prepared to put it down, calmly say "I thought we were here to have a nice dinner, I'm not prepared to be berated by you.  Good night." and WALK OUT.

I would hope that your DH would be understanding of you wanting to have a meal with your son.

Good luck!

Pooh

I agree, go without DH. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Keys Girl

Good reply, Scoop.  It's always better to be prepared just in case things don't go in the direction you expected.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

luise.volta

My son has a phrase for that kind of issue...he calls it "holding them able." We don't do things so others won't be hurt when we know that response would probably be pretty immature. So...we're enabling a lack of growth. I have learned to follow that and do what works for me and to hold the other person able to cope with it...or grown if need be. My son and I often go out to lunch, just the two of us. Then his wife comes over and we go out to lunch. The dynamics between a one-to-one and three people is often the difference between connecting deeply and being superficial. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

nikncon

Thanks for all the advice ladies.The weekend visit didn't go very well.My DS arrived and the first day was okay.The second morning DS just laid around .I made lunch.I asked DS to show me how to use a new rug cleaner that I bought a few months ago.He started the machine but it wasn't working properly.I asked DS to put it in my car and we could return it for another one.DS laid down on the bed for over an hour.So DH put the machine in car and DH and I returned it.When we got back DS was leaving for the gym.He had dinner then DS went to a movie because we were getting ready to leave tomorrow morning to pick up our camper.I had asked DS to do a few things like change battery in clock on wall.NO.I asked if he could try out the new rug cleaner,NO.Still  in box.Day three.DH is working outside and could use a hand but would never ask.So NO help.We did watch a movie on second night.DS had a box of almond chocolates and didn't even offer us one. :( Day three back to gym after laying around all morning.Oh.He did cut up a box for recycling after zi put the box cutter in his hand.So day three again I went out to dinner with DS .Made small talk.I felt like saying" Why are you so lazy when you visit??? Why is it just me myself and I?? But I didn't.So tonight we had told my DS that tomorrow morning we were leaving at 8:30 to pick up camper three hours away and camp there for a few days.I was not in a very good mood I must admit .I had a bit of a cold for the last four days to top it all.So at 9pm tonight DS who was sulking in his bedroom while we watched tv says that he's leaving tonight so that he won't have to leave early with all the traffic going back to city.DS said that I had said he was lazy .I may have mentioned something about helping out but I don't recall specially saying that DS was lazy.Now DS has gone home.I' m angry at him.Angry at myself and dad that the visit did not go well.Leaving for camping tomorrow.Any wise words? Sorry about my rambling but I am exhausted and don't know what to do or say next. :'(I hope that you can follow my story.Pretty mixed up like me.

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luise.volta

Nik - All I have is my own subjective take on this, of course. I would never plan a visit of that length with a person I had issues with...family or not. To me, an overnight would have been max. Also, I think you need to talk to each other about whether his visits are to include helping you out in any way or fixing anything. It sounds like it may have been an assumption on your part. Some AC love to get a "honey-do" list and some feel used. Also, it's my guess that you didn't need to say anything about how lazy he was, he knew how you felt. Seems to me like the purpose and structure of the visit was unclear on both sides and disintegrated from there.

You deserve better. So, try to let it go and enjoy your trip and your new rig! Yes!  :D  Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Scoop

Nikncon - I have to agree with Luise that this was about a clash of expectations.  He was expecting a relaxing weekend and you were expecting him to help out around the house.

The idea of "working weekends" has been a hot button between DH and I and our parents.  I know that DH and I value our 'down time' on the weekends, such that we don't even do much work around our OWN house.  Also, neither of our parents are living in our childhood homes, and as such, we don't feel any 'ownership' over them, and thus, no obligation to make improvements.

Since my Dad passed, my Mom is VERY diplomatic in asking for help and very appreciative when we do help.  And so, it's easy to say yes to her.

The IL's used to ask DH for computer help, but they would wait until we were almost out the door ready to leave, so it was seen as a stalling tactic.  Otherwise, he has no problems helping set up any and all electronics, that's fun for him.

Is your DH infirm or injured?  Was it a hardship for him to put the carpet cleaner in your car?  Was the carpet cleaner something you could have figured out?  Because I can see that it wasn't 'interesting' to your DS to figure out.  If you had a sound system, or a PC or a tablet, he might have been all over it, but a carpet cleaner?  No way.  (I know that you could eat off my Mom's floors already, so a carpet cleaner would make us laugh and say "is that to clean up after us AFTER we eat off your floors?")

Are you retired Nik?  Because that was a big problem for us and my parents.  Once they retired, every day was the same for them, the weekends had no 'special value', like it did for us.   We didn't mind doing 'special projects' that either needed extra manpower, but we didn't especially want to do things that our parents COULD do themselves.

Anyways, this is just another perspective for you to think about.

Pooh

I agree with the ladies Nik.  I have relaxing visits with my parents or DH's Mother, and then we also have visits that are specifically geared to help them do things.  These visits are clearly defined before we go.  If we just go see my parents or DH's Mother, they don't ask us to do anything and we all just relax and enjoy the visit.  If either one of them calls because they need help with something, then we go knowing that it is a "working" visit.

It sounds like you both had different expectations about how the visit was going to go.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

herbalescapes

I don't think Nik had unreasonable expectations of her son.  Any houseguest should be willing to lend a bit of a hand.  Changing a battery, putting something in the car - these are not herculean tasks.  Now had you expected your son to take apart the rug cleaner and fix it, that may have been a bit much. You don't say what DH was doing in the yard.  Did you expect your son to build a fence, plant half a dozen trees or mow your 1.5 acre yard?  Those might be a bit much.  But to give DH a hand for half an hour or so isn't too much to ask - you are housing and feeding him for the visit. 

However, now that you know DS isn't inclined to do ANYTHING on a visit, you should keep that in mind for future visits.  Spell out what you expect him to do and/or keep the visit down to 24 hrs. 

Good luck.  Try not to seethe over this visit.  I know I would, but it ain't healthy. 

confusedbyinlaws

I wonder if it would help to think of your son as a friend who was coming to visit rather than your son.  If you had a friend visit would you be doing chores while they were, other than perhaps what is necessary for meal preparation?  Would you be asking them to help you get your shampooer going?  It might also help your son to look at it that way too, as if he is visiting a friend.  If he was visiting someone else would he lay around and not offer to pitch in?  It sounds like your son was wanting to connect with you by asking if just you could go have dinner.  Then once there, he didn't know how to connect and you were already feeling resentful toward him because of his behavior all weekend, so you weren't able to be completely present for him and perhaps he was feeling resentful that you kept asking him to do chores. 
I agree with the other ladies that it would be helpful to discuss expectations prior to the visit and to also try to understand his expectations.  Perhaps you could find a middle ground.  It might also help both of you to only expect what you would expect from a friend and not a family member. 

Lillycache

Except they ARE family members whether they want to accept that or not.  Family members are supposed to help out other family members.  YOUNG family members should want to help out OLDER family members.  Heck.. even a house guest who is receiveing someone's hospitality and eating their food should help out. It's not like he was asked to reroof the house..  Next time perhaps a nice hotel room would meet everyone's expectations better.  You could then meet for a nice evening, and he could return to his hotel room to lounge. 

nikncon

You ladies brought up a lot of interesting points.First of all my DS never helps when he visits.I don't mean building a fence or even mowing the lawn.When DS had bought a house about seven years ago.DH and I went to visit.DH cut the grass and went to buy a coffee maker because DS didn't have one.I just wanted DS to do a few things.Change a battery in clock which is in foyer.Yo u do need a ladder.The whole carpet cleaner episode started when DS bought one and told me how great it was.I bought one .i had told him that next time he came to visit because we were gone all winter he could show me how to use it.It would not release or pick up water so DS said that it was defective .Anyways DH who is retired and never stops golf,fishing,hunting,camping etc put it in the car.We returned it and got a new one.The box is still intact.I think that DS is selfish since he is alone and does as he wants.DS is on a stress leave at the moment.Since he is always bored when I call I thought that having him do a few small things would make him feel useful.Eating,going to the gym and texting seem to be all he cares about.I wish that I could tell him how I feel about his visit but I hate to make matters worse.I also gave DS a nice amount of money to pay  off his new vehicle.So maybe now you might understand why I was so upset.I guess that DS will never change.He is in counselling butI don' think DSwill bring this up.I am inNiagara Fallsnow in our beautiful slightly used fifth wheel that we picked up on our way here.I am with nature.Life is good.I called DS and he spoke to me and he seemed fine and said Love you mom.What more can I say.Goodnight friends.xx


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