Picking up the phone...or not..

[Lillycache]

I have to admit that I don't  call my son.  I wait for him to call me.   I'm not sure how that started.   I think in the beginning it was to not be clingy or intrusive on his personal life or his marriage.  I always seemed to manage to call at the wrong time.  He was busy, or in the middle of dinner, or putting the kids to bed.... OR... just plain didn't feel like talking.   Then after  WIII with DIL, I for sure haven't initiated a call.   I have found that if I wait for him to call me... he will do so when he feels like chatting or making plans. Which is better.   BUT.. I worry that I may be giving him the impression that I don't care.. Which is not at all true.   Why can't things be easy and lighthearted  when it comes to our ACs?   Why do we have to always analyse every action and move.   One would think that after giving birth to someone and raising them that it would be the most natural thing in the world to be able to pick up the phone whenever one felt like it.  But.. it's not..  At least not with boys..  Perhaps moms with girls have an easier time with this.

[Pen]

LillyCache, I don't initiate calls w/my DS either unless absolutely necessary and I, too, wonder if he thinks I don't care. I try to show him in other ways, but I'd love a good conversation (like we used to have regularly) once in awhile.

One time when I knew I'd be seeing long-lost relatives I actually called and point blank asked him what he'd been up to because I knew the relatives would ask. When I explained this to DS he gladly filled me in on how grad school was going & what his plans for the future were. If I hadn't done that I'd still be sitting here wondering what was going on in his life. I do hear little snippets from my friends who use FB & have friended him, but that's mostly just a shallow view of his social life.

[nikncon]

I find that with my DS I prefer to wait until he calls.Then DS is not busy or not in the mood to talk.Boys are so hard to understand.If I haven't called for three or four days he'll call and asked why I haven't called.Can't win:)

[elsieshaye]

I don't initiate either, except that I'll wish him happy birthday or merry xmas on his facebook wall, and will like some of his posts as the spirit moves me.  If he responds to a post of mine, I "like" it and will respond, again, as the spirit moves me.  I learned with DS that I can't predict his responses no matter what I do, so I just do what I feel and, when in doubt, err on the side of less, but always positive and cheerful, communication.

[confusedbyinlaws]

I call my kids. My son went through a period of time in his early adulthood,  when he wouldn't pick up when I called and wouldn't call back for several days.  Sometimes I would get worried when he didn't call back and just send him a text and ask "Are you alive?" and then he'd text back that he was fine and he'd call me later and wouldn't.  This was also during a time when he was in college and partying a lot.  Now he has a family and things are different.  I don't call him often, maybe once or twice a month, just to talk and he calls me occasionally just to talk.   I don't worry about calling at a bad time because he doesn't pick up if he's busy and he'll calls me back these idays.  I call either him or my DIL (his girlfriend) whenever I have a question about some random thing like a kid's size or if we are planning a visit and they call freely about those things.  We see them about four times per year.  They live about 7 hours away.  I don't feel like we have conflict between us.  I feel good about them, but my son is the type that doesn't always talk about what's bothering him. (he gets it from me) His girlfriend is nice and does speak up about what she wants and I'm glad about that.   His girlfriend was recently in town for a couple of days with the kids and made it a point to call and come over with the kids one evening, so that made us feel good. 
I rarely need to  call my daughter because she calls me at least once daily and I see her and her kids frequently too.  I have recently been working on creating more separation between us.  I had allowed her to stay dependent on me and have been working on stepping back.  Fortunately, son-in-laws don't seem as threatened by their wive's being close to their mothers as DILs do. 

[Evalyn]

It is wonderful to have a daughter who wants to stay in close touch. My DD does a disappearing act when she has a new man n her life.  She comes back when things go wrong. Three husbands, and now a live in boyfriend. I think we aren't grand enough for her.
Why do some kids want to go off on their own and forget about loving parents while some want to be in touch?
It is a mystery to me.

[luise.volta]

Many of you have a sense of my DS because he's our Webmaster. Last week he took me to Ventura, California for five days to attend a seminar I think would help me with pain management. He posted about that under Grab Bag ("Greetings from California) and put up a picture of me by the beach. We are great friends. My painful issues were with his older brother who died of a sleep apnea induced stroke when he was 52. He made "duty calls" every Saturnday and I was really uncomfortable with them. They were stilted and obligatory and I walked-on-eggshells."

[fantine]

This is something I am also struggling with as well. I dread Sunday afternoons/evenings because of this very issue. When I have tried for months to reach out to my 18-y-o DS via text, phone calls, FB (he wrote me back and insisted I not write on his wall b/c it was too difficult for him to explain to his friends who his half-brother and I were) ---whatever ---- he replies with dead silence.

However, in the past two months he has begun to call me --- but not leave any sort of message. He depends on my caller ID to somehow clearly communicate with me that he wants to talk to me. (Even though I have one of those old phones that if the battery is down or if the device is off, no calls register.) ---- I don't think I've ever been raged at like that in my life. Then, to top it off, my ex-hub gets in the mix, they pull out phone records to analyze the ratio of DS's phone calls to mine - - - - just crazy.

Never once has he asked how I was, *why* I hadn't been in touch --- he was only concerned that I hadn't called him, apparently so he could ignore my attempts.

I just don't get it. He's 18, old enough to understand that other people have feelings, but still so childlike in many ways.

I have considered for such a long time just cutting him out of my life altogether. I can't understand what I'm doing wrong; nothing I do is right and I'm so weary of trying. I'm so sick of being screamed at. Just miserable.

[luise.volta]

Welcome, F. I missed your first post where part of your comment was - "I did my best with him; that's all I can do. The rest is up to him." It looks to me like you have charted a course but/and like many of us here, are finding it hard to maintain the boundaries you have set. For some, the age of 18 means a little maturing is taking place but for other young AC, that simply isn't true. To me you are describing cruel, phone games being initiated by DS and monitored my DH that are costing you too much to play.

Since you are a Newbie, I want to add that we ask all new members to go to our Home Page and read the three posts placed there for them under the Open Me First category. The most important is our Forum Agreement, since we are a monitored Website. If all that works for you, then we're probably a good fit. Just check it out when you get a moment to make sure.

[fantine]

Dear Luise:

Thank you so much for this information. It's very useful and you are wise to have people read it before participating. Actually, I have lurked on this site for years, just reading and gaining strength from everyone's posts. Thank you so much for this site. I would imagine there are many other people such as myself who may not post or be a member, but through search engines have been brought here and have found a real source of comfort from your words and that of the members. So I send you a hearty thank you!

Now that DS is 18 and will soon be considered an "adult," I felt the need to officially join the group and learn more about what is helpful to do (ie, how to cope) if he should cut me out of his life altogether. As his father has reminded me many times since I left him 12 years ago, once DS hits 18, there's no reason for him to ever be in contact with me again.

You are right: this whole phone games thing has become too painful for me to be a part of. To be honest, I'm just not smart enough to know how to play games. Have you ever been around someone, and while you were in their presence or interacting with them, you had a very uncomfortable feeling? Almost like nausea or extreme physical discomfort? I don't know if that's anxiety or if there's some psychosomatic cause for it, but I know I don't feel this way day-to-day or the other 51 weeks out of the year that I"m not around DS. . . . (ie, I'm fine at work, in other personal relationships).

Fantine

[freespirit]

Our older son never called  us. Not till we told him one day, that we will be moving away.
(We live about  10 minutes apart.) Well, know one was as surprised as we were at his reaction. When he asked why, we told him that it doesn't make any difference how close or far apart we are, we never hear from him. We didn't accuse him, we just said it as a matter of fact. In any case his behavior changed so much so, that we didn't move afterall. Now he calls us once a week, and visits us about twice a month.

How does that song go? "You don't know what you got, until you lose it." That applies to our offspring as well.

[Pooh]

Welcome Fantine.  Let your Ex and him play their silly games.  And to me, someone that is tallying up phone records to look for the exact ratio of calls, is simply looking for an excuse.  I don't know about you, but I don't need any phone records to know if I call someone more than they call me or vice verse.  All you can do is do your best.

[fantine]

Dear Pooh:

Thank you so much for your comment and encouragement.  I was really stunned to learn that they were analyzing phone records. Who does that?

Part of the issue, I believe, is that I now have a very nice job and live in a very desirable part of the country, where my DS has always wanted to live. However, he insisted on moving in with his dad years ago, when I was really struggling professionally and financially, living in one of the most dangerous cities in the US. Maybe a little regret, there?

I have asked them both repeatedly and cannot get a straight answer about this one question: what is the root of all this anger? We've been divorced for well over a decade ---- my ex "won" ---- he got my child away from me and now DS calls another woman "Mom" ---- what is he mad at me for? 

Still can't figure that one out . . . .
Fantine

[luise.volta]

We often can't make sense of the senseless. He may not even know, himself. Sending love...

[Pooh]

I was really stunned to learn that they were analyzing phone records. Who does that?

Someone that has an agenda and thinks they need to prove a point.....Pssssshhhhhh......their issue, not yours.