March 28, 2024, 04:48:01 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


adult daughter, how to walk away when your child causes so much pain

Started by teesie, April 25, 2013, 03:33:37 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

teesie

Hi

I'm new here and maybe some other parents can help me.

I've had problems with my now 26 year old since age of 8, I've not been the best parent with a divorce and broken relationship, I was raised in an abusive and neglected home by parents who beat and neglected us, my mother would leave every few months for months so I never had the experience of how to be a parent, I tried to be a good patent even after the divorce, I was completely alone, ex wanted nothing to do with kids and didn't contribute financially either, I was both parents and had to work a lot. 

My failing as a patent never went without my acknowledgment and I apologized to my children so many times, tried as they git older to be there for them as much as possible,

I've 4 children.  2 girls oldest and youngest and 2 boys in middle, 

Oldest girl and I have had strained relationship since well forever, I made a choice when I held her for the first time that u would do everything I could to be a parent that would never abuse or neglect this little bundle who I fell in love with the first time i saw her.

I'm making no excuses for my life, it's been tough and I've made many mistakes but with the best of intentions to protect my children often turning out the opposite of my original plans and sometimes my kids got caught in the middle of my bad decisions, I tell them all the time that I am sorry for any pain I caused them and as young adults now of course all that was many many years ago and I havnt repeated any if those mistakes in many years.

I sent my daughter for counselling after the divorce, to help the emotional. Trauma.

anyway, by 14 she was partying and drinking, spending evenings nights looking for her, finding her drunk, sitting up all night with her incase she choke in vomit, she met the boyfriend at 15, became more abusive and Said she was in love, within 6 months she was pregnant despite having brought her to seek contraception help she didn't take it, she decided she was now an adult and moved in with him.  I was not happy but as she was 16 legally I couldn't force her back, I tried to support her both emotio;naly and financially,  baby one came along and she seemed to settle a bit,

She could never seem to be happy but I couldn't get her to go counselling either, I felt helpless,  she wasn't happy yet she got pregnant again, that relationship was nor a happy one. 

She met BF 2, and started an affair with him. She left the first one fairly quickly.

2 seemed infatuated with her, loved her and made fuss her which I think she needed but while he was obsessed she liked him, pregnant again, things were starting the usual again, he wanted her to love him so he would constantly ring and text her, she didn't reciprocate,  and my god pregnant again, he wasn't happy with the 4 th pregnancy as they were supported to be on contraception,  this caused strain and tension,  she decided to boost her confidence by getting breast augmentation and that where she went nuts.

This is where her behaviour and inappropriate and embarrassing behaviour,

Since childhood if been a fan of racing, motorbikes, I loved the thrill of the speed etc, thus was something I did rarely when kids small, safety, logistics etc. 

As kids older they could come with me if they chose, my daughter refused, hated it, no interest etc etc, I was ok with that it was my hobby nit hers, then I started taking photography and getting them published, one rider took her attention, and she put a comment on his photo online, he replied, need I say mire, it went from there, I was upset with her as he was married and she was in a relationship with4 small kids. But thus made no difference,

I firmly believe that she thought he would leave his wife for her, their affair was public and sordid, strange but true, they denied it but everyone knew, she ended up kicking no 2 out and continued her affair, after this her behaviour became more bizarre, half naked pictures of her on Facebook etc, going where she knew he would be, no2 was so heartbroken that he committed suicide,  he was in that much pain, her behaviour got worse, she took no responsibility for her part in his death, pushing him away then when she wanted something ring him and use him of course he thought they would be ok but when she had weekend away with her affair and git no 2 to pick her up and told him about it, he could do it no longer. After his death her affair continued and that guy relished in it, I contacted him and told him that although I know him and my daughter did nit cause no 2 death they played a large part in his emotional pain, my daughter revolved her life around affair, lies etc, ;  but he didn't leave his wife, of course not surprising she got pregnant again,

This of course inside my hobby that I'd been involved with for 30 Years, my friends. We'll in hindsight acquaintances...

She gave birth to no 5 baby, he walked away and she started with half naked pics again, my acquaintances would put comments on them which upset me so much, I asked her as a parent not to be doing this, she didn't, as the affair was a member of the racing clubs and my daughter behaviour was public my press pass was revoked, she claimed nutin to do with her, yet I had never had an issue once until her public outbursts about the parentage of baby,

I asked her to pleawe be a parent to her babies and get on with her life, but she met another rider, and now with him.

So I can no longer attend my lifelong hobby due to embarrassment not only because of her behaviour but also my pass being taken away, also I can't go and speak to people who put sexual remarks on half naked pics of my 'child', yet she cannot wee what my problem is or why I could possibly be upset.

I decided to delete friends in common on Facebook as I couldn't cope with her pics and status updates outlining every step of her life being in public domain along with her inappropriate photos alongside those of her babies, I'm so embarrassed for those kids who will have to live with this, I even picked up my two granddaughters the other day, 6 and 3 both had make up and eyeliner on, I was mortified and washed it off. She txt the other day and was upset that social services were called again, I had enough and said I'm not surprised and actually I'm glad, you are not looking after those babies properly and sexualized those babies, she said that everything she contacts me I'm not supportive,  I said that she had a wake if collateral damage behind her yet she was looking for sympathy,  she said she would be better not contacting me, I said good,

I feel that I and everyone have supported her enough that's she's walked over everyone's feelings, not taken anyone's pain by her actions into account yet she makes me feel like I should do more.

I really don't care if I don't see her anymore, but I want to see the babies,

I really really need help learning to stop this being the Centre if my life, I think about it all time, get upset and angry yet nothing changes, I've aged 10 years in the past two, I also came across no 2's suicide as he did it in public and my 11 year old had to see his body also.

I have three other kids, two adults, one 15, the 15 yr old is embarrassed by her sister's lifestyle and says she's a disgrace, if a 15 year old can see it why can't 26 yr old?  Her brother's don't care either way but still think her treatment of her kids is inappropriate, 

HOW PLEASE TELL ME CAN I COME TO TERMS WITH ALL THIS AND MOVE ON???


I know I've wrote a novel but I feel much better writing it all down

thanks for reading everyone


Xx

_

luise.volta

Welcome - We ask all new members to go to the Home page and read the three posts placed there for you under Open Me First. A decision has to be made by you after you read the Forum Agreement, if it feels like a fit.

My take is that you sound like you are moving in the direction of self-preservation. Good for you. We all raise our children to the best of our ability...and then when they become adults, age-wise, we have to learn to let go. It's hard not to continue parenting and yet their lives have to be about them...the decisions become theirs and the consequences of those decisions must be faced, or not. Since our lives were about them when they were our dependents, it's really hard for many of us to turn them loose, especially when grandchildren become involved.

We keep trying and are drawn into the drama of their adult lives and many of us focus there because it feels like our job isn't done. Sometimes they make that look real because they don't seem to learn and grow. Our lives can then become even more about them than when they were home and dependent on us. Letting go is the answer. We gave them life and did our best to raise them and our job is done...no matter how it turned out. Being abused by them isn't part of the deal. We were whole before we became parents and we can be whole again when we get that we are done...for better or for worse.

It is often a long, slow climb back into the sunshine. Learning that we can't fix or change anyone and that we are more than our biological role isn't an easy lesson and doesn't happen overnight. It calls on us to change what we can, which is ourselves. We share that journey here when we can and support each other on it. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

herbalescapes

You AD definitely has problems - and they're the type that only she can fix.  Unfortunately, her children - your GC - are collateral damage.  It's only natural to want to fix things for our kids (and GC), but we have to accept our limitations.  Your situation reminds me of the Serenity Prayer: Grant me the patience to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  As painful as it is to see your GC suffer from your AD's behavior, you need to find the wisdom to know when/where you can change the status quo and when/where you can't.  Good luck to you and your GC and your AD.  You seem to have survived a rocky road; there's hope your AD will find a smoother path, too.

freespirit

Hi teesie,

What a story.

You have a large family, including all your grandchildren. If you follow statistics; the more children you have, the chances of having at least one child who is difficult or estranged increases.

It's wonderful that your relationships with your other children are good. Embrace that with your whole being and heart. Let that fill your life, to the point that you will stop allowing your oldest daughter to be the centre of your life.  You oldest daughter is an adult. She's made  her own decisions, and she won't allow you to influence her in any way. That hurts, I know. But the best therapy for you  is to channel your energies, your love, and your efforts to being the best Mom that you can be to your other three children.

Maybe it's time for you to distance yourself from your racing hobby, and all the embarrassing things your daughter does; at least for a while. Instead invest the time with your family. Go on outings with them. Do what they would like to do.

Just saying, this might be a blessing in disguise.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Pooh

Welcome teesie but sorry you had to find us.  I love what Luise said.  It does sound like you are starting the process of taking your life back.  I also agree with herbal, you DD is the only one that can change the situation.

I know you spent 30 years in that hobby, but distance yourself completely from her and find another one that you love.  Photography can be done in so many environments.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

teesie

Thank you all so much, I'm not looking for sympathy but recognition I think, and thanks everyone who in one form or other understand how I'm feeling..!!

Yes, I have no intentions of going racing this year, I've joined a gym ans spent all day shopping with my oldest son, he hates it but knew I needed that us time,  my baby girl is home soon, and looking forward to a big hug from her,

Thanks ladies,

(((hugs)))