My son abondoned me suddenly

[pgri1]

Hi everybody,

I am a separated mum, I have a 22yr old son and I also have a partner of 9 yrs who respects my son like his own. These 22yrs my son and I formed a special bond and are very close together. He had a girlfriend of 2 yrs and we loved her like she was our own daughter. She cheated on him 2 weeks and he was devasted (so were we!). We helped our son alot to get over it and we suffered his pain. A year passed and suddenly he is back with her! My partner and I do not want her in our lives. We made it clear to him without any fights. Since then he abondoned us completely. He spends all his time with his girlfriend, when before he was always with us. It is as if he left home. I only managed to talk to him once and told him to be careful since she will hurt him again. He is an attractive guy and loves being in relationships. In the year he was alone he only went out with one girl. I know I may loose my son completely, but the thought of her being in our lives makes me sick! Any advise?

[confusedbyinlaws]

I understand why you feel the way you do toward your son's girlfriend because of the hurt she caused your son.  I am so sorry your are experiencing this and if I were in your shoes I would probably be feeling the same way.  However your son is an adult and has apparently decided to forgive her and trust her enough to get back together.  It's his decision and even if it's not the decision you would like him to make, it's out of your control.  The relationship might not last and he might end up hurt again, or it's possible she realizes and is sorry for her mistake and the future might be good for them.  Either way it is his life and these are his decisions to make and I fear that he might become alienated from you if you don't step back and let him figure this out without further input from you. 
You have shared your concerns with him, but if you continue to try to push him away from her it could backfire and push him more toward her.
If the thought of having her in your lives makes you sick, you don't have to let her back into your life.  When your son is around, try to enjoy his company without feeling like you have to talk to him about his girlfriend. 
I know it hurts to feel abandoned in this way and so suddenly, especially since you have been very close.  However relationships between parents and their children naturally change as they become adults and sometimes it feels like abandonment when it is really just the adult child trying to achieve autonomy. 
Somewhere down the road, if your son gets married to this woman or to someone else, that person will be the most important person in the world to him and it will change your relationship with your son.  Many of us struggle with that as parents because we have loved and been so involved with our children.  But I have learned that the more I tried to hold on to the closeness I had with my children when they were young, the more alienated they became, especially my son. 

[Keys Girl]

Hi, I know that "I wouldn't want her in my life" feeling, pay attention to that, and stand your ground.  Don't have anyone in your life you don't want.  It's a tight rope walk if she has somehow managed to get herself back into your son's life after cheating on him with all kinds of who knows what.

Unfortunately, your son may have to learn the hard way that people who cheat you, or on you will likely do it again.  I would allow him to live as much of his own life as possible, keep in touch with him if you can, and be prepared for the fact that she may force him to choose between his family and her.  It's a tough row to hoe but it's important to respect his choices (however foolhardy they may be) and respect your own choices about who you want in your life.

Good luck,
KG

[Pen]

Pgr1, welcome.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope your DS can find a way to be in contact with you. You've set your boundaries and it sounds as if he's going to stick by them for now, but perhaps he'll find some way to renew your relationship as time goes by. It seems as if our AC often rebel against what sounds like an ultimatum instead of understanding that we say what we say out of love and concern for them.

BTW, if you haven't already done so, please read the pink highlighted items under Open Me First on the homepage. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit. Please keep reading and posting - lots of support here.

[herbalescapes]

I guess you have to decide if you are willing to never have your son in your life again if it means you have to have the gf.  She cheated on him and although you were hurt in the process, too, it's not your place to forgive.  For whatever reason, your DS has forgiven her and wants her in his life.  Even if they split up again, he may view your refusal to accept his gf as a permanent rift.  What happens if they end up married and/or have kids together?  Your current attitude could haunt you. If you cut GF and DS off now and later want to make amends, they may not be amenable to having you back in their lives.   You don't have to love her like a daughter.  You don't have to interact with her beyond basic politeness when you get together with your son.  Your son is allowed to chose he wants to date and it's understandable if he adopts a "love me love my dog" type attitude. 

There may be details about her cheating that you are not privvy to but would make your DS's forgiveness more understandable.  Some years back there was a storyline on the TV show Friends where Ross had a one night stand.  Ross thought he and Rachel were on a break, so it wasn't cheating.  Rachel didn't think they were really on a break so she considered his actions cheating. Maybe GF didn't think they were exclusive at the time of the cheating. Maybe GF thought your DS was cheating on her first (whether he was or not, it matters what she thought).  Maybe she thought he was having a cyberaffair. 

It is your perogative to have nothing to do with GF.  If you take that route, though, do it with your eyes open and realize it may mean no future with DS and any future GC.

[Elise]

Context matters. While the bald fact of her having cheated is known by you, the context may not be fully known, either of the cheating itself or the forgiveness by your ds which followed.  Avoiding assumptions helps me know I do not know and I am then better able to avoid judging others.
Our adult children decide for themselves and we cannot make them avoid what we think are mistakes.  As Louise tells us their lessons are theirs, to get or not on their own time frame, not ours. When our guidance is put aside or outright rejected once they are adults, we must accept their decisions.
Controlling your thoughts is in your arena though, and having a few really positive ones at the ready to flip your mind to when those painful ones start pestering you can retrain your mind and help reduce the pain. I think our thoughts often create our feelings and we can control our thoughts.

[jdtm]

My partner and I do not want her in our lives. We made it clear to him without any fights. Since then he abandoned us completely.

Hmm ... it appears you and your partner do not support your son's decision - I wonder if HE feels "abandoned".  After all, you made the call "first".  I really do understand from where you are coming as we also had a similar situation - but, in hindsight, I wish I had left my "comments" to myself re our adult son's choice/life regarding women.  It was just not my business and frankly, our life would have been easier if I had been silent.  His life was a mess for several years - this occurred with or without us.

I keep repeating this mantra - I didn't cause it; I can't control it; I am unable to cure it.  I'm so sorry ...

[luise.volta]

My take on this...and I'm happy that you are getting many different approaches to it...is that we open our arms willingly and take our newborns into them. We vow to stand by them and protect them and give them the best we have to give. And we do. We aren't taught that our role has a "shelf life" and that one day we will have to let go. We see them through thick and thin and we are praised for that and it becomes our life. Then they cross that magic threshold called adulthood. When they wake up that morning, they are supposed to be wise and capable and on the same morning, we are supposed to wish them well and turn away...leaving our charges to whatever life throws at them.

I have deliberately overstated that to emphasize the issue but the bones of it are the truth. Some grow wise slowly and leave our loving care gently. Some stay and have to "call mom" and ask for her direction when they are 40. Some have more growing pains in adulthood than they did as kids and it breaks our hearts. Some think we could have done a better job...anyone could have done a better job. It's a crap shoot.

The issue is usually the same. They need to learn and grow, separate and move on and watching that happen is often unbearable for us. It's no comfort to know that our parents went through the same thing. None at all.

We can't drop them like a hot potato but we can get that our job is done and start to rebuild our self-worth around something beyond parenting. We were whole before we became parents. What a novel concept. We can back off and work through our end of the separation and not make it worse. We can support our kids in moving out and being responsible, so the parent/child thing isn't still going on in the physical sense. We can even get therapy if we continue to see their adult lives as our business. or that the past will be part of the future.

On this forum we see every possible combination of situations and circumstances and yet the issue remains. As our adult children, who often don't look like adults to us or to others, struggle with taking over the reins of their lives, making decisions and learning from the consequences...or not, we can learn to accept the process. They may turn away from us only to return later as friends or they may choose to go on alone. Our concept of family may eventually expand but there's no guarantee that it will.

The truth remains that we gave them life and the best environment in which to grow that we could provide. They take that with them. We let go. Then dynamics can still change! I am 86 years old and my son is starting, in very subtle ways, to take care of me. We are always adapting or at least trying to. It's life.

[confusedbyinlaws]

I would just like to add that although cheating on your son by his girlfriend was very wrong, it doesn't necessarily define her or the relationship.  I have known people who have been through this and sometimes the one who cheated regrets what they have done very deeply.  A good friend of mine had an affair and lost her husband in the process.  She later told me that she regretted what she had done, but it was too late because her husband understandably could not forgive her .  She often wished she could go back to where she was prior to the affair but it was too late for her.  My own husband was not exclusive with me early in our relationship before we got married, but I have trusted him completely since we have been married and he has not given me any reason in the years we have been married not to trust him.  I am really thankful after almost 30 years of marriage that I was able to forgive his early behavior.
Cheating is a horrible thing to do and it causes a lot of pain to the person who is cheated on, but it is a mistake that some people make. Some people regret it and are lucky enough to be given a second chance and prove themselves worth of a second chance.  It may be in her nature to cheat or it might have just been a bad mistake on her part that she reqrets very much.   I am not saying this is true for your son's girlfriend and don't know the details of the situation. 
We tend to feel protective of our children, so when someone hurts them it hurts us too.  But what if it was your son that did the cheating on his girlfriend.  Would you be able to forgive him for that? 
My inlaws knew that my husband was not exclusive with me when we were dating, but they have never held that against him, but when my SIL cheated on their other son they were done with her. 

[luise.volta]

Good point, CBMIL. Sauce for the goose is not always sauce for the gander!

[Scoop]

Pgri1 - the thing you have to remember is that you don't know EVERYTHING that is going on in their lives.  It's something you have to keep in mind whether it's your friend or your DS venting about their spouses, you may hear about the transgressions, but you RARELY hear about the apology and what was done to make amends.

He's obviously negotiated his relationship with her and it works for him.  SInce you can't know all of the details, you're going to have to trust his judgement.

One more thing, by rejecting her, you might be pushing him right into her arms.  If he feels like he has 'no one else' to turn to, then SHE becomes the most important and ONLY person in his life.

[pgri1]

Thanks for your reply..the thing is that it is easier said than done sometimes..she practically lived with my partner and I and I was very close with her and trusted her completely too. She said lies about us after she cheated on him and it still hurts. Thinking of her in our house, unfortunately does make me feel sick and I am not the kind of person who 'acts'. Just being 'polite' with her, if one day we will talk..will still be an unhealthy relationship cause of the fact that we were so close before..
Thanks again

[luise.volta]

Good point Scoop! I can think of two instances where I have taken a strong dislike to the DHs of two of my friends because all I ever heard about them was negative. When I met them, the reason they married them and stayed with them became apparent...but to tell the truth...I was never able to like them much. Interesting.

[Lillycache]

I don't know about all  ya'lls kids, BUT sometimes it seemed if I liked something.. they hated it.   If I said the sky was blue.. they called it orange.  There seems to be an obstinate streak in most of them...  Best to not commit your feelings about anything..   I also think that boys.. men... tend to have that noble defending their lady love against all odds mentality. They are all knights in shining armour.  Combine these things and you are going to lose your son... or at least see a lot less of him.. that is until she hurts him again.   

[freespirit]

Like Luise said;  "we will have to let go."

That's a learning process that all loving parents go through. It took me a few years. Now I try to be the big silent pillar. Since I have turned into an inanimate object, my relationship to my sons has improved. They come to me when they want to. I don't chase them or give them my 2 cents worth. And since I've stopped saying what I think, they seem to love me more.

If the girlfriend makes you feel sick...what of it? She doesn't matter...it's your son who matters. Who cares about the girl,...maybe you will like her again someday, but for now, she or anyone else, should not be worth risking losing your son for.