DIL and I are just totally different people

[Pooh]

And also agree with Creme, I don't remember in the WW story that the subject had been broached with her Dad.  I may be wrong too, and PS, never be afraid to hijack one of my threads....I always appreciate the insights and other opinions.

And Creme, thanks for everything.  Learning to keep my mouth shut, when I really like to talk, is very hard.  Lol.  I didn't get the nickname Motor Mouth for nothing in school!

[cremebrulee]

LOL

hugs

[luise.volta]

Oh, too cool!  Mulch..the gift that keeps giving (and returning!) 

     

[Pooh]

Hee hee Luise....

[cremebrulee]

Oh, too cool!  Mulch..the gift that keeps giving (and returning!) 

     

too funny!!!

[Alicev]

You can accept people for who they are, but you don't have to accept disrespectfulness. 
You have the right and the power to say so when something does not feel good to you to the person that violates your boundaries.

My good friend once  told me that his mum and his wife occasionally had disagreements and issues. How did you deal with it, I asked him. He smiled at me told me he never allowed himself to be dragged in the middle, because he had full trust in the abilities of his mother and his wife to work it out on their own.  Trusting the abilities of our loved ones is important. It kept him from being accused of taking sides and being blamed for things that were not his responsibilities to begin with. What a smart guy!

I believe that you can still have a close relationship with your DIL provided you both want it in your hearts. Despite the differences in your personalities. People are outwardly different and have different likes and dislikes. But the most important thing that unites all people and is common for everyone is the desire for acceptance and love. Perhaps both of you need time to heal for the time being. Whatever happens - not all is lost forever. Not discussing DIL with your son is a good policy. It takes the anxiety off of his shoulders and he will most likely be more inclined to confide in you.

Looks like he is dealing with a challenging MIL himself. It is not easy and I am sure he doesn't always do it perfectly, but challenges in relationships are also opportunities to learn more about oneself and polish the skills of dealing with problems.

I felt a huge sense of relief that he wasn't getting along with his MIL and smiled about it......I know....I know....I shouldn't feel glad about that.

I think your reaction is completely normal under the circumstances. We are all human after all. However, if your son does in time happen to have a good relationship with his MIL  does not in any way mean you are any worse or a bad person. When you son feels love towards other people does not mean he loves you any less.

[neecee]

To Pooh

You are a kind person, as most of the women who wrote after you.  I wish I had read more carefully.  You wrote what I could not...  I am glad to know that sometimes, it works out. 

It took such a long time to realize that my son was also accountable in the case of DIL.  It was easier to blame the DIL.  Looking back, I see that I do not know this man I helped to raise.  We imagined he had all sorts of qualities and gifts and we find, that he is simply over his head.

God Bless and hang in there. 

[elsieshaye]

Neecee, we have such high hopes for our children that it's really hard sometimes to realize they are imperfect people who struggle with things and sometimes choose badly.  And also that we can't fix that for them.  I'm going through that with my son right now, although on a relatively small scale.  My tongue is sore from being bitten so often, lol! 

[Pooh]

Neecee, thank you for the kind words.  I think the breaking point with me was when I went, "You know what?  He chose this person.  He actually sees all her bad qualities because he has made comments about them, but yet he chose to still be with this person.  So the bottom line is, is was his choice.  It is no reflection on his upbringing or how I raised him.  It is a simple matter of free will and independance.  I gave him the tools to deal with life and now he has to build his own toolbox.  I will always love him, and I will always be here for him, when he chooses to ask for help, but my playbook and rulebook have expired and he is writing his own."

I think that was my hardest lesson to learn, because MY playbook had us remaining close (DIL included).

[miss_priss]

Neecee, thank you for the kind words.  I think the breaking point with me was when I went, "You know what?  He chose this person.  He actually sees all her bad qualities because he has made comments about them, but yet he chose to still be with this person.  So the bottom line is, is was his choice.  It is no reflection on his upbringing or how I raised him.  It is a simple matter of free will and independance.  I gave him the tools to deal with life and now he has to build his own toolbox.  I will always love him, and I will always be here for him, when he chooses to ask for help, but my playbook and rulebook have expired and he is writing his own."

Pooh - I wish more peeple could adopt that reasoning.  But keep in mind that he also sees the GOOD in her, more than you will ever see.  Of course she has flaws (doesn't your spouse?), and of course he will complain of them from time to time (don't you?).  Don't we all?  But there must be a world of good there also that he sees in her.  You'll never see what he sees in her, and you're not supposed to, thus he married her and you didn't.  But would he really hold on to her if there were more bad qualities than good ones?  Be honest with yourself when you answer that.   

It's so easy for any of us to point out bad bad bad, we all do it.  There's no one on here writing about how absolutely wonderful their DILs or MILs are, but I bet there's some good qualities there somewhere!  Wouldn't THAT be a good exercise!  Let's start a thread posting three positive qualities of the person we're here to get advice about.     If someone will do it I'll be the first to bite that bullet.     

[Pooh]

Oh geesh Priss, now you asking for alot!  Lol.  Ok, I have not been privy to see much of a good side of her, but I will give it a try. 

I have seen her with the children at her church and around the family, and she is very good with them, so I think she will make a good mother.

(Ok, I about choked getting that out!)

[luise.volta]

Someone here actually did write about how wonderful her MIL was. It is about mine and I reprint it here, copied form Success Stories.:


This is the story of my role model where mother in laws are concerned. She is gone now but she lived to be 104 and we remained friends my entire life.

I don't know when I met her because she spent her summers at the same place my mother did. They took their little 3 and 4 year-olds, (my future husband and me), down to the beach and visited with each other while we played there.

Fast forward...long story, we married in 1947 and she became my mother in law. She was a kindergarten teacher and she had the patience of a saint. I am absolutely sure that many of her students were more skilled and more mature than I was at the time we became related through my marriage to her son.

I had firmly withstood every attempt my own mother made to teach me to cook and clean... and be responsible. I had no concept of money management and I didn't know anything about kids. As I look back all those years, I know I had to be every mother in law's nightmare.

She was a friend. We shopped together, decorated our homes together, and even joined the same social club together in the little mid-west town where we lived.

She was never bossy or disapproving. She taught by example, and as I have mentioned, with infinite patience. Where she got her patience, I have no idea... but it was never ending. And I learned. My only skill to start out with was that I was a nurse. I didn't work outside the home but I knew how to take care of my kids when they were sick. Chalk 1 up for me and a 1000 up for her.

I learned the way most of us do, intermittently and sporadically. You know... one step forward followed by three steps backwards. A lot of what I was expected to do didn't interest me... which didn't help the process much. Yet she didn't push me or hold me back. She honored my eventual progress calmly, as through it had been a given. Ha! What were the odds?

After eighteen years of marriage, I divorced her son. End of my relationship with her, right? Wrong! She and I stayed in touch and remained friends for another 40 years.

The moral of this story is that I knew what to do and what not to do when my sons married and I became the mother in law. I had daughter in laws that related to me like I did to her and I had daughter in laws that didn't. You have to have the raw material to work with and when you are labeled as "the enemy" even before you are introduced, it can all be downhill from there. However, I also have a daughter in law who divorced one of my sons and you know what we did? We decided to not get divorced! As a result, we have been inseparable for over 25 years and only death will part us.

I was willing to learn and my mother in law was willing to teach me. The bottom line, I think, was willingness... openness... forgiveness and our constant acknowledgment of our mutual humanness. Bless her heart!

[miss_priss]

Ok - my turn to bite it! 

My MIL is an excellent provider and she always made sure her family had every material thing they ever needed.  She can also sniff out a sale miles away. 

You're right, that was really hard!     

[elsieshaye]

Arrgh.  Let's see if I can choke this out.  XH (who is my "MIL/DIL", since my actual MIL was very nice and I am not a MIL myself yet) is very sociable and loves to do things like camping and going to fairs, etc.  He always seems to be able to find good deals on things, and is very resourceful about finding things he needs.

It was very hard not to caveat any of that.  Guess I need to work on that some more.

[cadagi101]

I did get a giggle out of the replies from you all.   It probably isn't that hard if we reaalllly put some thought into it.

Other people like my 20 yr old son.  That is a big plus i spose.
I thought that was all I was going to write but.. OK he's umm  works hard umm he's obsessive when it comes to cleanliness some would say that is fantastic , I should scrub that one I don't think it is a good trait  He does have good values if you dig really hard.
He loves his ute (more than his mother)
He is gentle when holding baby.
He can drive a tractor
he is a good shot. (wild pigs),
I'm a bit sad now my own flesh and blood. hmmm and I cant think of anything else.  I have set myself a task, today I will think of a few more and I will post a success story.  I won't hold my breath.