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I just can't...

Started by Lillycache, April 08, 2013, 07:42:40 AM

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Beth 2011

Lilly,

Looks like you have answered your question many times over.  I know we are always thinking well, maybe it will be different this time.  I did this to myself many, many times before I accepted that nothing would change.  Maybe it will change for you if you go.  I hope it does.  Wishing you continued peace. 

Lillycache

Quote from: Beth 2011 on April 08, 2013, 06:11:40 PM
Lilly,

Looks like you have answered your question many times over.  I know we are always thinking well, maybe it will be different this time.  I did this to myself many, many times before I accepted that nothing would change.  Maybe it will change for you if you go.  I hope it does.  Wishing you continued peace.

Nothing will change... because, as I found out after 12 years... it NEVER was different.  I love my son.. and I loved my DIL.. I respected her as the great mother she is.. and that she loved my son and was a good wife to him.   I THOUGHT everything was fine between us.. Until the last year or so before the BLOW OUT  in 2010.   (details of which is too long to go into, but that's not the point)  At that time I learned that she hated me.. she had always hated me.. her Mother and family hate me and accused me of things that I cannot even remember.  I know I'm getting up there in age.. I'm in my early 60's,  but so far, my short and long term memory are intact.   I was accused of being mentally Ill..  unstable... and that she considered my Ex Husband's wife to be their real Grandmother.  I was accused of "going off" on her Mother at my  1st GS's Christening.... a incident no one else seemed to  have wittnessed, except for her mother..   Her pent up hatred and accusations along with the laundry list of all my shortcomings and sins went on for hours.   It litterally knocked me to the floor....  Then the 1 year cut off before DS finally could bring the kids to see me. 

I don't KNOW what her motives are for inviting me.   Perhaps as someone said.... things have been too calm and uneventful.  DS brings the kids by for a day every 3 months give or take...  I fix a nice dinner... I ususally have some sort of present for the kids, we visit, or watch movies... they leave..  No drama.. no trauma..    Perhaps she is looking for more fodder to complain to everyone about.  She cannot very well keep me the villian if she is not there to find things to villify me about..  SO.. I just feel like I am being led to the arena for evaluation.. and we all know how that evaluation will go.     I can't help feeling I am being invited to provide the entertainment..   

With no word from my son.. I don't even know if he knows she invited me..   I would think he would discuss it with me given the situation..  It's been 3 years since I was invited to ANYTHING..  I'm just FINE with that.   She hurt me so intensely that it took a long time to get my bearings and revive my self-esteem..   I just cannot risk it happening again.    I could just go to the Church and then leave..... but what would the sense of that be unless I knew that I could get the attention of my GD.. so she knows I was there.   My gut and inclination tells me to skip the entire thing, give GD a special gift the next time I see her.. and explain it to my son if he brings it up.    If he is angry with me (which I doubt he will be... 1st communions are not in his religion)  if he IS angry... then so be it.  I'm OK with that too..  I have to live with ME... not him. 




Lillycache

Then again.... there is the distinct possibility that she invited me knowing full well I wouldn't come.. giving her more ammo to convince DS that I am a cold uncaring unloving horrible mother and grandmother... unworthy of his love or visits..   I know it irritated her to no end that she was unable to get my son to "cut me off"  too..  and from what she said to me... she really tried to get him to "see the light"..  To her obvious annoyment..  even when I wasn't allowed to see his children.. HE still met me for dinner at restaurants and came over and called me. 

Just thinking out loud here... please bear with me..   :(

freespirit

Oh dear Lilly,...I can "feel" your confusion. May I ask why you haven't spoken to your son about this? Maybe you should reach your decision after listening to what he says.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Stilllearning

I cannot help but wonder if your GC is the one who wants you to attend.  If that is the case you would be going for her if you decide to go.  She has been visiting you for the last two years every three months or so and this could be an indication of how important you are in HER life.  What a pickle!!  Whatever you decide you certainly have my full support!! 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Lillycache

I'm going to have to call my son to discuss it..  that's all there is to it.  I usually don't initiate a phone call as I never know when he is able to talk..  I have found that if I call... he generally doesn't feel like talking and the conversation is usually "one word answers" on his part.  If HE calls.. it means he feels like talking and will chit chat an arm and leg off me.   ALSO... We have not mentioned or discussed the "blow up" in the last 2 years..  We do not even bring up the topic or his wife.   It makes him very nervous and uncomfortable so I have found it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.   This time.. I think I have to find out what's going on.  I cannot tell you how much I wish I was not sent that invitation.  It's simply not a happy thing for me.

herbalescapes

Lilly,

You've pretty much answered your own question several times over.  It's an invitation.  Either accept or decline.  You're tying yourself up in knots trying to read an ulterior motive behind it.  You could be right on target (DIL is trying to set you up for failure, can't wait to mock you at the FC and afterwards, can't wait to point out how horrible you are for staying away, etc.) or you could be way off base.  If you decline, I strongly advise not giving DS chapter and verse about your misgivings and fears.  Just say you can't attend.  Have a prior commitment (even a post prior commitment) and express your regret at not being able to attend.  Or you could just attend the ceremony and if there's a party or luncheon before/after, have the commitment in conflict with that. 

I'm not at all surprised DS hasn't mentioned the invitation.  Why would he?  Either he doesn't know about it or he assumes it's self-explanatory.  Don't read anything into his not mentioning it.  Sure, things do get lost in the mail, but most people don't jump to that conclusion.  Mail delivery is actually quite reliable so if you don't say anything, he'll assume (if he knows you were invited) you're ignoring it.  Why would he want to bring up something unpleasant? 

good luck. 

Lillycache

OMG..... Herbal.. you are so right..  OVERTHINKING??   ME???   lol!!!   Of course I am.. and it's all not necessary..  I don't want to go..  I don't want to get into a big discussion with my son over it either.   A previous engagement is simple..and non-inflamatory.   The invitation arrived only 2 weeks before the event... so a previous engagement would not be unreasonalble..  Thank you... I'm feeling relieved.  I am "unknotting" as we speak!     

Elise

Lily - Following this thread it appears you realize you do not want to go to the FC.  That is your right, even without the past history with dil et al. Somewhere in this site I learned that it is ok for me to decide for myself and not be obligated to explain to anyone when what I want  to do is different than what someone else wants me to do.  It is not done to hurt anyone, it is done to take best care of myself. 

If you do want to ask ds about this invitation and need to call him, you could ask him to call you when it is convenient for him so as to avoid the one word answers your calls normally get. It is that way with my ds as well.  Asking him about  the invitation when he calls you back ( not on your call to him) may give you some information you do not have about 'why now?' which may be helpful going ahead.  I like the idea of having a prior engagement so as to avoid any other need to explain which might put him into conflict of any kind or yourself in the position of having to justify your decision.

I recently used this approach with ds and didn't use a prior engagement at all, simply told him it wasn't what I wanted to do. He told me I needed to explain to him why and I told him I didn't need to do that and pointed out he is not obligated to tell me why he decides what he decides, and I am not either. It resulted in him coming home for the first time in almost 2 years with dil and new gd for 3 days instead of me traveling 300 miles to spend time with dil family and be uncomfortable on their 12 days visit there. I thought it might result in me not seeing them and had decided if that were the case it was their right to decided that as well. Putting myself in the front of my life again has brought peace I will not give up, regardless.

I think the wedding tradition of parents giving away the bride should in many cases be altered to parents of the groom giving away their son instead, as for a lot of us that is what really is going on - not all, but certainly a lot.


Lillycache

Yes Elise... I agree with you...it IS for me to decide and I really don't owe anyone an explanation...  I DO realize something about myself.  I always second guess MY gut or my feelings about something..  It's almost like I do not trust myself to know what is best for me or what is the right reaction or the right way to feel about something.  Then I mull it over, and ask people for their opinions and go over and over things looking at it from every angle imaginable.    I tend to think it goes back to being raised by an abusive father.  I never knew what normal reactions or feelings were supposed to be  so I am never quite comfortable with my own.    It's like I KNOW what I want to do or how I feel, but I never know if I SHOULD be doing that or feeling that way.   

Like in this instance.. What would and should a GOOD grandmother do?... then what should  *I* do.... I mean if I were a GOOD grandmother..  I know it's all nonsense.   I AM a good grandmother.  I'm as good a grandma as I have been allowed to be under these circumstances.  I have been marginalized and maligned....  NOW.. because someone decides they have found it in their heart to include me I should be jumping for joy and bestowing my heartfelt gratitude, by showing up with bells on?     I don't feel that way now.    I love my granddaughter.. and showing up where I am uncomfortable is not PROOF that I love her.  I don't have to prove that..  Not putting myself in an uncomfortable situation IS however proof that I love me. 

Thank you all for your input and advise..  It's so nice to be able to "put it out there" in a safe place with no judgments..

 



 

luise.volta

LC -  No need to "Should on yourself." Just be your authentic self...that's what I see surfacing here. Good for you!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Sometimes we just need to get it off of our chest just so we can breathe.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

tryingmybest

You know, I'm going to pop in here for what it's worth. I just got devastating news about a friend of mine. She had a grandchild less then 6 months ago, life was going beautifully and three weeks ago was diagnosed with an inoperable extremely aggressive soft tissue cancer. She's got weeks to live. I'm just sitting here realizing it all changes in an instant. I would go, if for nothing else just to look into your grandchilds eyes, hug her and tell her how much she means to you. The rest of them are life static.

fangle

My take - You need to take care of yourself and your feelings before others.  If you feel uncomfortable attending an event because of factors that are real and beyond your control, maybe you shouldn't go.  Lines of communication are still available with your son, see how it goes, if you are unhappy with the response, maybe you shouldn't go.  Whatever you do, don't regret your decision.  You are a person with feelings and yours are as important as anybody elses, so be kind to yourself. xo

Lillycache

DS called last night...( perhaps at his wife's insistance  as I could hear her in the background)  to see if I would be attending the Communion this Saturday.   I told him no... and my reasons.   He said he completely understood and was not at all upset.  He will be bringing the kids over for a visit the following weekend..  I will make a   I think he is relieved also to not have to worry  about what was or wasn't going to happen with her and her family.   He realizes as I do, that it is best this way, and while it would have been nice for the kid to have his and her family together for events concerning mutual grandchildren... they have chosen to make it impossible.