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Are you all happily married?

Started by freespirit, April 04, 2013, 09:14:42 am

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Lillycache

Excitement and passion...   bleh.    I had two marriages that were full of excitement and passion..... for a while... Then they became millstones around my neck and massive pains in the you know what.   Somewhere along the way I met another handsome devil.. and I do mean devil.. who lit my fire like no one else ever did.. but after 4 years... that was all it was.. Nothing else... nothing of substance and pretty one sided. 

NOW I have a man who is caring and loving...  NOT a fire lighter.. and I am so thankful for that.  He makes no demands... is a help mate and a wonderul companion.  We have been together for 10 years now.  Nothing  has changed since day one except our bond has strengthened.  There has been no loss of passion, because we never were really about that in the first place.   Of course age has something to do with that and I think when we are young,  such things hold so much more importance..  For me.. I like the easy feeling of this marriage.. I can be myself and I trust him to really like who that is.   

Pooh

I didn't really change the situation in my first marriage freespirit, I changed me and how I dealt with it.  When I did that, it ended up changing the situation.

For 15 years, I reacted the exact same way to anything he did. 

Example:  I would come in from working all day, throw some supper together, get the boys dressed for ball games, run one to one field, run the other to an opposite field on the other side of the park, and then proceed to run back and forth so I could catch some of each game. (In High School even dropping one at the football field, one at the basketball gym), come back home, get the boys ready for bed, homework, then start throwing laundry in, dishes, cleaning and fall exhausted into bed.

He would come home from work, when he worked longer than a year at the same job, plop on the couch and flip the tv channels.

My reaction for 15 years was resentment, anger, hurt, etc.  I would get so mad that he didn't help.  I would need the gutters cleaned out and ask and ask and ask, and it never got done until I climbed up there and did it myself.  If I tried to talk to him about it, he flipped channels the entire time.   Come Saturday, I could have two ball tournaments going on in two different parks, and ask him to take one of the boys.  When Saturday came, he would tell me that he had been asked to go fishing with a friend and leave.  He did whatever he wanted, when he wanted with no regard for anyone and would leave me scrambling trying to do it all.

It took me 15 years to figure out that no matter what I did (yell, talk, cry, scream, pout, etc.) it didn't change anything.  He could have cared less as long as he was getting to do what he wanted to do.  But you can bet, when it came time for the boys to get awards, he was there with bells on, smiling for the camera and taking credit for everything.  The other parents thought he was wonderful and such a good Father because he always knew when to show up in the spotlight and I heard time and time again, it's too bad he has to work so much and miss a lot.  I kept my mouth shut in public.  When we did things, it was always what he wanted to do.  He would say, let's go to the XXXX and I would just go, even if it was something I didn't enjoy, because in my mind, at least we were doing something together.

So after 15 years, I finally figured out that it was about him and my being miserable was a product of my own doing, because of how I reacted and I was tired of being mad.  So I quit getting mad.  I stopped asking or nagging him to do anything.  When the gutters needed cleaning, I didn't say a word and just called someone to come to do and paid them.  I literally left him on the couch and didn't say anything, just went about my business, started hiring people to do things or solicited help from friends and when Saturday came and he said, let's go do XXXXX, I would politely say, "Sorry, I have plans" and I would go do things with the boys that we wanted to do.  I started going to get my nails done after work, leaving him to fend for himself in the evenings and making plans.  The boys were hanging out with their friends more, so I was free to go do things with girlfriends and volunteer work. 

This went on for five years and I was finally not miserable.  I realized that for all those years, I allowed him to do all that to me and decided that it was up to me to do things that made me happy.  He was never going to change and I married him that way.  I was really enjoying life finally, and that's when he quit enjoying life.  I literally stopped catering to him.  When I wasn't home in the evening to feed him, clean his dishes, clothes, etc. and on weekends, wasn't at his beck and call while he laid around, life wasn't good for him any longer.  People started saying things to him like, "wow, I wish I had someone to mow my grass", "Saw your wife at XXXX, where were you?", etc., he didn't like it because people were noticing.

Came home, he had his car packed and a young GF that would cater to him.....imagine that.  :)

What I learned from the entire thing was that I had allowed him to manipulate me because of my beliefs that marriage was supposed to be forever.  I had allowed him to be this way.  Sure, I fussed about it, but he knew I wasn't going anywhere.  He knew he could do whatever, and I was committed.  That wasn't his fault, that was mine.  Once I started enjoying life, his charade was over.

The situation changed because I changed.  I'm not advocating what I did but I truly realized that I had to do something for myself.  He could have chose to go the other way if the marriage was important to him and he truly loved me.  He could have chosen to change as well and get off his hiney and do something.  He could have said, "Hey, I'll mow the grass, don't call anyone and let's do something together Saturday."  He didn't chose to do that.  He chose to find someone that would do what I had done for 15 years.  I saw it as either way, I would have won.  We would have either had a better marriage if he wanted to as well, or at least I was enjoying life again and not staying resentful all the time.

I truly believe happiness lies within us and it is up to ourselves to do that.  When you're lucky, people want to come along for the ride. :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Lillycache

And congrats to the lady luv....  Like I said to the woman my 1st husband left us for..."You got the PRIZE!  Enjoy" 

Stilllearning

Oh my goodness Pooh!!  How wonderfully you said exactly what I felt when my marriage turned around!!  Lucky for me my DH decided he wanted the marriage.  We were both pretty miserable until I changed.  I can't help but wonder if he had changed first would I have followed? 

Anyway the overwhelming opinion on this forum is for things to change, first I must change.  Our happiness is our responsibility and no one else's.  Do what makes you happy!!

And Lilly I totally agree!! :D
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

confusedbyinlaws

My mom went through a similar thing as Pooh with my dad, but the difference is my dad adapted and their marriage became better.  It was after they had been married for 30 years, the kids were raised and my mom was going through menopause.  My dad had been rather controlling and she had been submissive and she just decided one day that she wasn't going to be that way any more so she stopped being submissive.  For awhile there I was afraid  they were going to end up divorced but in the end my dad went to counseling with my mom and they worked it out.  I think they both ended up happier in the long run, even my dad and were married 56 years before my mom died.  It's not that he stopped trying to control right away, but my mom didn't allow it and eventually he stopped trying.  But it could go either way.

freespirit

Lilly, you said two key words; caring and loving. I miss that so much. I miss having a life partner, where we are pulling on the same end. Right now, all it seems to be is a tug of war.

Pooh, you have gone through a lot with your X. It must have been an absolute relief to end it all.

Confused,..I think you just described my marriage. We all change over the years, and many submissive women, (I was one), developed  self confidence over the years. I really hope my marriage has the same happy ending like your parent's marriage.

JoAnna, I agree about having to change yourself first. I'm working on that...it's sure not easy.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Stilllearning

Freespirit if changing ourselves were easy none of us would need this site!!  Having an understanding ear gives us all a place to work out how we can change to accomplish the desired outcome. Knowing that you are not alone in your struggle, having people around who have been there and are willing to talk about their experiences gives all of us the strength to make changes and improve our lives. 

I have never seen a tug of war with only one side.  Drop the rope.  You do not have to pick up the other side.  Chances are if you stop pulling he will stop too.  You have a choice about if you let his criticism effect you or not.  I know this is difficult but it can be soooo liberating!!

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Hang in there!  The rewards will be great for both of you. 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown