November 14, 2019, 05:26:25 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Are you all happily married?

Started by freespirit, April 04, 2013, 09:14:42 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

freespirit

Hmmmm....from the responses here,  (with a few exceptions), me thinks the moral of the story is; ...You want to be happy? Then get married more than once.  ::)
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

luise.volta

 :D LOL!, FS! I was a really slow learner. It took me three times around. Twice for 18 years and 24 to my beloved Val, who just passed on six weeks ago. I don't give up easily!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

nikncon

This is my second marriage too! First one was for twenty five years when I finally left.I always hoped DH would get councilling for serious problems.I was not happy a lot of the time.Now I am. remarried for twelve years,very happy.Luise my GM who lived to 101 years old was married three times.Her husbands all passed away. She daid that that she loved them all equally.Lucky GM.So  Luise since you are so young maybe a number 4 ?? ;)

  Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

luise.volta

Nik - I still love my "ex", who, altough 8 years younger...is senile and in an assisted living facility. And I still love Kirk's dad, who passed 20 years ago, long after our divorce. I just eventually gave up trying to live with them!

My boyfriend from when was 15, and who lives in the mid-west, proposes to me regularly. He waited for three weeks after Val passed...and then when he proposed, I asked him what took him so long? LOL! And no, he's not going to be my next victim...he's in worse shape than my "ex!"

Truth...I would probably enjoy a "special friend" to attend events with here but they all in about the same condition...and I've become way too independent. I rise, dress, eat, read, venture forth when I want to. Heaven!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Quote from: freespirit on April 08, 2013, 11:20:33 am
Hmmmm....from the responses here,  (with a few exceptions), me thinks the moral of the story is; ...You want to be happy? Then get married more than once.  ::)


Or maybe marry the same man for a second time? :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

I did that, too...to give him a one time, real estate tax exemption that I qulaified for and he didn't.  :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

I remembered that is why I wrote it! Hee hee
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Lillycache

Three times for me also... and I am the happiest I have ever been with my choice.   I tell my husband all the time that he is the BEST husband I have ever had!!   :D

Seriously though..  I was way too young the first time around.  I was only 18... Dh #1 was a handsome devil...  but a whole bunch of other ladies thought so too!  Divorce followed after 9 years and 2 kids.

DH #2...  was controling and certainly felt everything had to be his way or the highway... He thought he looked like Elvis and that I was just so lucky to have him...and he let me know that often... I should have chosen the highway early on, but stuck it out for 20 years... He died suddenly of a massive heart attack.

DH #3   Is a nice looking man.. not overly a head turner... but he seems to think that I am the best thing EVAH!!  He is funny and caring and a great companion.  We like the same things and life with him is EASY.... He is easy to be with..  What I have learned is that it shouldn't be hard...  I used to think that if you really had to WORK at a relationship it was a good thing.  Now I have decided I'd really rather NOT have to work so hard.  I'm too old for that. 

fangle

I was never interested in Marriage or anything like that, until I met my now DH.  For me Marriage is a huge undertaking and I know it will not always be peachy as we will get older and there are problems that come with that, but we have promised.  We have already faced heartache together.  DH and I are lucky, though, because we Married our Best Friends. xo

confusedbyinlaws

Luise, I am so sorry about your husband. Freespirit, I am sorry you are not as happy as you'd like to be.
I have been married almost 29 years and we knew each other for 2 years prior to that.  We have definately had our ups and downs, but I too am married to my best friend.  After this many years we know each other pretty well and the thing I enjoy the most is the comfort level.  Also my husband is a pretty considerate person, so since he knows what pushes my buttons he tries not to do those things.  I feel like he knows me better than anyone else in the world... warts and all and I feel like I have total acceptance from him. 
My biggest complaint about being married for so long is the lack of excitement, surprise, sparks etc. that most people experience after being married for so long.  We don't have trouble getting along so much as keeping it exciting or passionate.  But I wouldn't trade what we do have for those things which are probably unrealistic at this stage in life.  We do still work at it though. 
The only other thing I would complain about is that he never stood up to his parents for me, but he gets that now and is doing that now.  And I'm not sure if that was really his job.  I know Dr. Phil says the offspring of the problematic inlaws should be the one to confront if there is a problem.  I feel like I should have spoken up for myself with his support. 
This was my second marriage after a brief marriage from age 20 to 22, which only happened because I was pregnant at the time.  It's my husband's first marriage. 

freespirit

One of the reasons I started this thread is to see if it is unusual to remain in an unhappy marriage. Most of you did something about it. I admire you all for that. I'm sure ending the old and taking that new step was never easy either. It makes me glad to read that so many of you are happy, even to the point of blissfulness in your marriage. That is truly wonderful.  And believe  me,  I would willingly trade my marriage for a boring one,..as long as it is harmonious and loving.

Your posts have made me ponder about my own life, how it is, and what I can do about it.

In many cases I'm married to my best friend too. We enjoy the same hobbies, and we're both doting grandparents. Those two factors do bind. It's the other things. It's the forever criticizing, knit-picking, sulking pessimistic, raining - forever -on - my - parade that get me down.

I think being financially dependent, retirement money, etc. can be like a noose around ones neck. If that weren't the case,.... Well, the older I get, the more challenging it is, to just concentrate on the positive sides.  For no matter how positive a situation is;... I  feel like I'm always walking on a tight rope.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Stilllearning

I too married a critical, knit picking man and I totally understand how difficult it is to handle.  Don't get me wrong he is wonderful and unfortunately he is usually right which just makes it that much harder to bear.  Years ago we worked out a system for telling each other when we were getting annoyed with the other's input.  We say "who's goat is this" and it kinda means "are you going to do this or are you going to let me" and if he (or I) continue with the advise the irritated one just walks off.  If you leave them to finish the task they know how to do better than you do they learn.  Or at least we did.  And yes, I have been left to do all kinds of things.....mow the lawn, pull the weeds, wire the computers...and he has been left to cook the meal, vacuum the floor, make the beds.  It works for us.......maybe you could figure out some kind of code with your best friend ;)
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

confusedbyinlaws

I agree with you Freespirit that it's harder to be detached within your marriage because you live together.  Has your husband always been critical of you and is he that way with everyone or just you?  That is something that's hard to live with because it's directed at you. You described him as a grumpy old man, so it might not actually have that much with you but it is directed at you because you are a safe target.  I wonder if he is depressed or something.  I have always gone to counseling for my problems, so I would suggest this for you.  If your husband is willing to go with you all the better but if he refuses to go you could go anyway.  You shouldn't feel like you are walking on a tightrope in your own home within your own marriage.  Have you ever told your husband that you feel this way?
My counselor has always said pepple's behavior has more to do with them than it does me and seems like a lot of the women here say the same thing.  It does help not to take their behavior and criticism personally.  It takes some of the sting out of it, but it still doesn't make it pleasant.  You deserve to have someone supporting you rather than dragging you down. 

freespirit

Thank you JoAnna and confused. It is wonderful to be able to vent here.

I will try to follow your advice JoAnna, and think up some secret code word to pull us back to acting like a respectful couple. I think that's a great idea. Thank you for suggesting it.

Confused, we have been to counselling. It didn't help any because my husband is a master of twisting things around the way he wants to hear them. You made an interesting point about asking if he treats just me this way. He treats many people this way, but I get the brunt of it. So you are right. I should not take it personally. It is about him. Thank you for making that clear to me. I think that will help me to detach myself.

I'm so glad I found this site. It has helped me more than any counselling. Thank you.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne