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Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....

Started by Birdy, May 10, 2010, 07:14:35 AM

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Hope

Birdy,
I'm so sorry to hear of your mil's prognosis.  You are a very considerate dil/dw dealing with stressful circumstances.  You are helping your dh through this - and because of your strength you will make it through together.  Your dh is fortunate to have a wife that is understanding and supportive.  He will always remember your kindness when he thinks of his mom's last days.  The love you show your mil/dh during this time will live on for the rest of your life.  You are in my thoughts and prayers......
Hugs, Hope

Pen

Birdy, I'm thinking of you and your family. Hope's post says it all. If I may weigh in on your vacation plans, I vote for the lake idea. Much less stress for all, kids & MIL can nap when they need to, and you can all focus on being together as a family. Don't forget to take care of yourself during this time.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

I would suggest that you ask her what she might want. She may have something in mind and just be waiting to be asked. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Birdy

I did get a project for the kids to do with my MIL, but didn't pull it out.  I could see she didn't really have a lot of energy and I didn't want her to feel like she had to do something with the kids.

She was actually content to watch all 4 of the grandkids outside playing.  At one point she got up and went and took about an hour nap, so I just didn't even bring it up or out for that matter.

She talked to us, and to be honest it seems like she still doesn't have a lot of information.  She included both DIL's in on the conversation and asked for our thoughts and opinions.  I asked some questions and gave my opinions back. 

We brought up a family vacation - and mentioned some of her favorite spots.  She didn't seem to interested.

My DH was pretty upset about the whole thing.  When his parents left after dinner the 4 of us talked for a couple of hours.   

I spoke to her today because I told her yesterday that she should look for a support group and talk to people who are going through the treatment right now.  I found it on the internet and it is like 15 minutes from their house.  I sent it to her in email & called her to let her know.  I felt like if I could spend the 15 minutes looking for her it would be 1 less thing she would have to do.

She told me she wanted to start going through her jewelry and giving it away.  DH had told me she mentioned it to him and he wasn't happy about her doing this.  I asked him how to handle it if she brought it up and he came up with the statement that she is still alive and therefore still wearing it.  If she wants to either tell us or better yet right it down that is fine. 

DH didn't want to talk about it on the way home today - so I didn't really bring it up.   I know it isn't going to go away, but just feel like he might need time to digest what is going on.

I appreciate your ladies input, thoughts & prayers.

luise.volta

I went through that with my closest friend a year ago. I would suggest that whenever issues like her jewelry come up that you put her wishes above your feelings and reactions and do what she asks. That's what's going to bring her peace. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Birdy

Quote from: luise.volta on May 16, 2010, 08:40:21 PM
I went through that with my closest friend a year ago. I would suggest that whenever issues like her jewelry come up that you put her wishes above your feelings and reactions and do what she asks. That's what's going to bring her peace. Sending love...

Hi Luise:

I did a typo - it should have read he came up with a statement and not we.  DH doesn't want us to take the jewelery.  He feels like she is alive and should be wearing.  I think he feels like if she gives it up now she is giving up her fight.

I don't know if I am taking the wimps way out on this - but I felt like sometimes you have to pick your battles and I wasn't going to argue this with him since he felt so strong about it.


luise.volta

I totally get that. I had a terrible time when my friend started getting rid of her jewelry, etc. It was very hard for me to see that to accommodate her was a kindness and she needed all of the kindnesses I could offer. I was inclined to ask her if there was anything I could do and to tell her I would do "whatever"...and then not listen to her or comply. 20/20 hindsight.

Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Birdy

Quote from: luise.volta on May 16, 2010, 10:07:37 PM
I totally get that. I had a terrible time when my friend started getting rid of her jewelry, etc. It was very hard for me to see that to accommodate her was a kindness and she needed all of the kindnesses I could offer. I was inclined to ask her if there was anything I could do and to tell her I would do "whatever"...and then not listen to her or comply. 20/20 hindsight.

Sending love...

When it calms down a bit - I think I am going to bring this topic back up to him and use your words about it will make her happy and really isn't that what we are supposed to be doing with whatever time she has left.

luise.volta

Good for you. It's just one person's experience, of course, but it was a poignant one. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama