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I hate holidays!

Started by tryingmybest, March 31, 2013, 07:13:06 PM

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tryingmybest

 >:( Well got through Easter, yet another holiday absorbed by my DIL's family while we are the "also rans" once again. I have been the perfect MIL, no complaints, no pressure, happily taking the days before and the days after, seeing my grandchild just melt when he sees the other grandparents, while we are...basically strangers. I have smiled until my jaws ache. My anger is driving me nuts, and it is forcing me to just detach. I came into an inheritance and planned to pay off his college loans. It would make their lives so much easier. But after being shown clearly for the past three years that they really don't see us as worthy of anything close to equal status, The money market is staying right where it is. it's clear he has no intention of being there for us, so I just became MY top priority. Sorry, just kind of needed to vent.

luise.volta

Venting can sometimes help us turn a corner. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Didi.lost

I tend to think and do the same as you.  Why would I reward bad behaviour.  I don't.  If you don't want me in your life, surely you don't need my money.  Your independent and don't worry how I'm doing.
Venting is good.

fangle

Holidays are hard, especially when we see in movies and books how they are 'supposed' to be.  My family can't always be together on 'the day' but we try and get together close enough to the day.  It doesn't always take that little sting away on the actual day, especially when there is not a lot else to do on that day, but IMO, it is good that at least we got together at some point.  My DH and I sometimes spend holidays alone and because of DHs work, I sometimes don't get to spend holidays with him, and if everyone else is busy, sometimes I spend holidays alone.  But I always see people close enough to the day.  I just try to make the best and plan ahead an activity for the day.  I get it, though.  xo

Pen

TMB, IMO your money is your money. If things were different things might be different!  :P Good for you!

Holidays around my house have become very low-key due to not having family around and having DS & DIL absorbed by DIL's FOO. You know, now that I've somewhat detached and have no expectations, I am enjoying spending those special days as I choose. DH, DDD & I had a nice Easter dinner after a day spent puttering, watching a movie, planting some flowers, and cooking (simple, no fuss) together. Not a Norman Rockwell or TV advertisement version of the holiday, but just fine with me. DH & I could spend the day before Easter riding our bikes in the mountains instead of cleaning, baking, decorating, or generally stressing. I took time to visit a couple of old friends and hang out by their pool instead of shopping and setting an elaborate table. I miss DS, but I'm making the best of it, lol.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Yep....if I'm not good enough to spend time with...then my money and "things" have been tainted by my touch :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

tryingmybest

What drives me nuts is the "I am adult, don't pressure me attitude" that in a moment can switch to "you're my parents you should be ready to DO for me." And I can't see how he can't see how just turning away and letting us know really clearly we no longer matter - HURTS. And it's not that he is starting his own family and traditions, he's just joined hers ::)

luise.volta

Yup, it is totaly reasonable to expect to be treated differently. Logic often doesn't seem to have much to do with it. When the adult hat is put on...it sometimes doesn't fit very well...but there's no going back. Our job is done. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Keys Girl

Yup, the holidays aren't anything I look forward to anymore, so I make plans to do something new, but always reserve the option to pretend it's just another day and sit around with a good book and a nice cappuccino. 

I've already made plans for next Christmas, haven't figured out Mother's Day yet, but will work on that in the coming weeks.

Trying, Of course it HURTS, but make sure you let HER parents pay off his college loans!  Keep the money for the nursing home with the "good" china.

Plan ahead for the next few holidays, and congratulations of making yourself your #1 priority, nobody can take that away from you.

KG


"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Scoop

TMB - I think that it's probably not healthy for you to have those 2 things (money / visits) linked together in your head.  It can go 2 ways, you're a nice person, so you will likely end up feeling badly for 'withholding' the cash.  And if you DO give it to him, you'll expect more visits and be doubly disappointed with the status quo.

I'm sure you can put that money to good use for yourself, because YOU are your #1 priority now.  Take a trip, make an investment.  And don't feel a lick of guilt over HIM paying HIS OWN student loans.  As a grown person, I don't expect anyone else to pay off the debts that I incur, neither should anyone else.  Sure, his life might be a bit 'easier', but that's not YOUR responsibility.  Studies have shown that more money doesn't mean more happiness.

As for him visiting, well, be sure to be having such a good time, or even such a relaxing time that he's ENVIOUS of you!

FAFE

Why don't we all get together for Mother's Day and take a girl's only cruise!  Even if it's just in our heads.

luise.volta

 :D YES! Those have the very best prices!  :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Keys Girl

Scoop, good for you for not expecting anyone to pick up the tab for anything.  I'm sure half the parents in this generation wish they had adult children with that independent attitude.

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Keys Girl

Mother's Day reunion cruise in our heads, we'll have to boomerang good vibes to each other!

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

fangle

IMO, It really surprises me that people of my age or younger expect that their parents should or will pay their study debts or will help them financially.  This didn't happen 100 years ago!  Young people and young families mostly went out on their own, sometimes travelling across the world and looked after themselves.  I find it really astonishing that some seem to view their parents as a purse and not a person.  I'm not saying that this is happening to you necessarily, your DS may just need to get his thoughts together, but it is just something that I have noticed earlier on in life. xo