What would ya'll do?

[dirtyglassgrl]

I just do not know if I can do this!  With out being angry, hurt, resentful, shook up sick all the time.  I am a limited person just like everyone else!  I have my feelings and limits and I do not know if I am capable of sitting down to play a part in a fake family that will not acknowledge the hurt and pain that was caused.  One day I will type out a post about some of the things from the past that lead to all this.  When it all came to a head, dh went to their home to try to work it out and ask how on earth did this happen?  Her response was to call him disgusting names, as well and me and my kids while his teenage sister sat there and his father said nothing.  She told him he was damaging his sister by fighting with the family and that she hoped she never had to see us again.  Now we have dd who is thier bio grandchild (fils) and that is why they have said to to other people they want contact.  If it was not for typing this all out on this site and reading your advice I would be a total wreck! thanks again!

[Postscript]

DGG all I can tell you is the same thing my dh told me when I freaked out over getting married the day before our wedding, and when I freaked out over the prospect of a 10 year mortgage debt.  You take it one day at a time is all. 

Deal with it as it happens rather than trying to deal with the whole prospect in one hit.  Handle each problem as it arises.

We'll be here for you every step of the way, whatever path you and your dh choose.

[1Glitterati]

I just do not know if I can do this!  With out being angry, hurt, resentful, shook up sick all the time.  I am a limited person just like everyone else!  I have my feelings and limits and I do not know if I am capable of sitting down to play a part in a fake family that will not acknowledge the hurt and pain that was caused.    I know exactly how it feels.  It sucks.  If I hear another person say be the bigger person, I'm going to vomit on their shoes.  Being the bigger person would be the person who screwed up SINCERELYapologizing, not just acting like it never happened because the other person won't admit they acted badly. One day I will type out a post about some of the things from the past that lead to all this.  When it all came to a head, dh went to their home to try to work it out and ask how on earth did this happen? Her response was to call him disgusting names, as well and me and my kids while his teenage sister sat there and his father said nothing.  No doubt they both owe apologies...but, honestly...your fil owes a WAY bigger apology.  She told him he was damaging his sister by fighting with the family and that she hoped she never had to see us again.   Bam.  Get out of jail free card.  Honor her wishes.  And, if he isn't going to say a word, obviously those are fil's wishes, too.  Now we have dd who is thier bio grandchild (fils) and that is why they have said to to other people they want contact.    I want a pony.  That isn't going to happen either.  YOu don't get to treat the parents like dog poop on the bottom of your shoe and get access to their children. If it was not for typing this all out on this site and reading your advice I would be a total wreck! thanks again!

Has your dh every thought about seeing a counselor to deal with the feelings he has about his dad?  I can promise you...that no matter how much your dh wants this...if nothing changes inside your fil's head or in his actions, that your dh is going to be hurt worse and your kids will be exposed to stuff they shouldn't be.  Sounds harsh (and it's horrible emotionally) but he needs help reconciling himself to the fact that his dad just isn't a good dad, loves step mom more, and none of it is your dh's fault. 

[dirtyglassgrl]

Glitter, thanks so much for your understanding!  I like the way you write it is so clear to me and it is good to hear someone else that wants to puke over being the "bigger person" many times to me it translates into "come on get on the floor and be doormat we want you to be".  I hate that!  The more I type it out and think about it I realized that I am not ready I will try to get myself ready but I am not there yet.  I wish my dh would get counseling for himself because of his family.  He is my best friend and I hate to see him suffer over this.  We are a good team though and we are working togethor, he never tries to force me or bargain with me, he lets it all depress him and drag him down before he even thinks to say anything.  I agree his father owes him a huge apology, his stepmother can not hurt him anymore because he does not care, but he wants his father!  In the abscense of our parents we are all little children.  Dh is sensitive and sentimental and all the pressure from well meaning people(busybodies at best, idiots at worst) to work it out and kiss and make up he just wants to get along and not have estrangments anymore.  How will I eventually get ready?  Not for me not for them but for my dh who just wants me with him and his family

[1Glitterati]

Glitter, thanks so much for your understanding!  I like the way you write it is so clear to me and it is good to hear someone else that wants to puke over being the "bigger person" many times to me it translates into "come on get on the floor and be doormat we want you to be".  I tend to see it that way, too. I hate that!  The more I type it out and think about it I realized that I am not ready I will try to get myself ready but I am not there yet.  I wish my dh would get counseling for himself because of his family.  He is my best friend and I hate to see him suffer over this.  We are a good team though and we are working togethor, he never tries to force me or bargain with me, he lets it all depress him and drag him down before he even thinks to say anything.  I agree his father owes him a huge apology, his stepmother can not hurt him anymore because he does not care, but he wants his father!   I think that's very understandable considering all the unresolved issues and the fact that (I think you said?) his dad didn't help raise him.  Kids want to be good enough to be loved and protected.  And, when those things don't happen they blame themselves.  In the abscense of our parents we are all little children.  Dh is sensitive and sentimental and all the pressure from well meaning people(busybodies at best, idiots at worst) to work it out and kiss and make up he just wants to get along and not have estrangments anymore.  How will I eventually get ready?  Not for me not for them but for my dh who just wants me with him and his family  I get that he wants it, but I really think he's going to be very hurt and disappointed.  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  He needs to go into this with eyes wide open.  It's nearly 100% likely that his dad will still allow his step mother to be very nasty to him without saying a word.  Does he want his kids to witness something like the last interaction w/them...the nastiness of all that?

[luise.volta]

So much of this stuff is beyond us. How people feel, think and act can not only be a mystery but it is at times set in granite. When I met my step-son he was polite, cordial and distant...but he gave me a little hug. I took the gesture to heart and turned to hug his wife...my step DIL. My mistake! She grabbed my arms and slammed them down at my sides while giving me a look of hatred like I had never seen before. That was the "Howdy, nice to have you the family!" 21 years later, he is polite, cordial and distant but gives me little hugs. Nothing has changed with her, either...(except that I never get close enough to get slammed around.)

[Hope]

Luise,
They are missing out on a great relationship.  Their loss.
Love you, Hope

[elsieshaye]

I am right there with you in feeling nauseated whenever anyone tells me to just suck it up and be the bigger person (as though I haven't already spent the last 20 years doing exactly that, always, every single time, regardless of what it cost me in stress and self-esteem).

[Meryl]

It seems to me that you are really in a bad position. If they want to see their grandchild, they should make the first move of reconciliation. If your husband goes there, hat in hand, and nothing has changed, nothing will change. They have no reason to change and aren't motivated to apologize and work things out. If you come to them first, you are guaranteed to suffer abuse at the stepmother's hands.

I agree with the idea of counseling for your husband to deal with his feelings about his father, and his father's betrayal of him. He ALLOWED the stepmother to be abusive. I'm all for cleaving to your wife and putting her first, but this does not mean sitting silent for abusive behavior. She is a bully and he has allowed it. Maybe even couples's counseling would be good to get both of your feelings out. You are not the one standing in the way of reconciliation. They are responsible for the way they act, not you. You have every right to protect you and your family from abusive hurtful words and actions. It's too bad HIS father has not protected HIS son from abuse.

Sorry you are in this position. 

Meryl