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Go or Stay?

Started by freespirit, March 17, 2013, 03:06:53 PM

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freespirit

Hello Dear Luise and members who may read this.

Just after briefly scanning through this forum, I feel I have arrived at the right place.
I have a question for you, and hope that someone may give me advice or share their story.

My question is: ... Is it better to move further away from "adult children" who carry  a grudge and seems to have a mean streak, ...
Or
does moving further away, increase the emotional stress between parents and their adult offspring?

We are in the process of downsizing and we're weighing decisions on whether to stay in the vicinity of our children or move further away...(about  a three hour drive).

My son is plagued by occasional chips on his shoulders.  His moods and attitude towards me are more hostile than loving and more hurtful than caring I am sure the only reason we are still in contact is because we occasionally take care of our 7 yr. old GD.  She is a light in our lives. For this reason, we would like to remain close by. But on the other hand, my son breaks my heart over and over again. Sometimes I would like to just spread my wings and fly far away from the hurt that he so thoughtlessly casts out, and that,... for no reason at all.

So, now that we would like to move;  - well, I suppose now is our chance to truly flee from the never ending hurt.

But in all of this; I still hope, that he may, through our absence, realize what he had in us. It will be heartbreaking not to see our grandchild as often, but between the two choices; the pain and shunning from our son is the worse of the two evils.

What makes this so difficult is, it means, we would leave our other son, his family with two baby sons, to whom we have a wonderful relationship with.

I tend to want to move far away; in a beautiful area, where we can start to live for ourselves, and not be emotionally manipulated through our son. My husband would prefer to stay in our neighbourhood, because of the contact with the grandchildren. I can understand, it will hurt me too to leave;...but I can't take the cruel treatment any longer.

Go or stay? That is the question.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

luise.volta

Welcome - I just wrote this to another woman posting for the first time. "As a "newbie," please go to our Home Page and read the three posts under the category Open Me First. What we require of our members is carefully outlined there. We are a monitored Web-forum for women with issues with adult children and extended families. None of us are perfect and we are all doing our best."

I think you may get many different approaches to your question, I hope so.  :) My take, after doing the geographical cure in several situations, is that I did it because I didn't know how to set and maintain boundaries. That's what I see as needed with the son who is abusing you. A strong word, I know...but I choose it carefully. You are in charge of your life, he isn't...and I wouldn't give him the power to separate you from the rest of your family. Most us weren't raised to stand up for ourselves and require respect. It's a learned skill...at least it was for me. However, I found that within it lies freedom. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

shiny

FS, so sorry that you are experiencing this treatment from your son. Sounds like he has some hurts/issues to work on so healing can take place.
What I am learning on my journey with AC relationships is: we are not responsible for how they act or their choices. We are only responsible for ours. Our attitude and how we respond to them is something we do have control over.
As Luise mentioned in her case, it may be helpful to set some some boundaries with your son and not allow his behavior to affect you in such a negative way. I know...easier said than done. But you need to take of yourself.
Running from the problem will not make it go away. It will continue to hurt wherever you move. And cutting off yourself and DH from precious GKs and others will magnify the pain, IMO.
I would tackle the problem right where I am and not let him make me move. But only you can make the decision best for your family. Warm thoughts for you...

Didi.lost

Welcome Freespirit
I'm with the thinking of staying with the rest of the family that does treat you good.  As is my situation, running away would be nice but it won,t solve the problem and you will still hurt wherever you live unfortunately.  I don't want to loose my DS who loves me so my DD who hates me, I have stopped all communication with.  She still gets to me through other people but I am a work in progress and learning to avoid these bad situations as much as possible.
I just had a very bad stressful weekend about her but I have found sanity talking with my Ds and his family.
Only you know how much you can take and where you will be able to take it.  Good luck with your decision and take care of yourself.  It will get easier in time.  At least that,s what I tell myself.

Elise

Freespirit, I am so sorry you are experiencing this sadness. You are supported here and heard. I agree with the other posters regarding a physical move far from ds who treats you well, though I can certainly understand the allure.

freespirit

Thank you so much for your prompt replies. I live in another time zone, so that is the reason I don't answer right away.

Oh yes, that with making my own boundaries makes a lot of sense. But that son of mine knows which buttons to push, and although I draw the line, it still hurts. I actually am more at peace with my life when I don't see him. We once didn't talk to each other for over 6 months. When he started coming around again, my serenity was rocked. I guess that's why I think  my only way out is to leave. But I will seriously think again about all your wise suggestions. I don't want to leave my grandchildren either,....ugh...who knew that our own children could do this to us. And when I think, I wanted at least 6! My two fill out my life quite completely.

I will visit the forum more thoroughly later on, and try to give back what you have all given to me. Thank you again, and waving to your all from across the pond.  :)
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

fangle

Hello,  IMO - If you want to move, don't let anything or anyone hold you back.  At the same time, don't allow anyone to displace you from your home if you don't want to move.  If only the choice was simple.  You have my best wishes.  It is amazing how two children from one family can be like chalk and cheese.  Good Luck! xo

Pooh

Hi freespirit, I'm so glad you found us.  I am with the others that say your problems don't go away just because you change places.  Then again, some people need the change in order to move on in your lives.  I think it depends completely on your ability to let go if you move.  Since you have a good relationship with the other Son, that would make my decision very hard, in your place.  I would want to nuture that relationship and put some distance in the other.  I have learned to concentrate on the relationships in my life where there is mutual respect, and let go of the ones where there is not.  I can't change people, they have to want the relationship as much as I do, or it doesn't work.

Only you can decide if a change in scenery will be better for you, but you can't carry the baggage with you.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

freespirit

I suppose compromising is always the best answer. We have decided to remain in the vicinity of our "good" son; ...but not too close, since we want to have a life of our own as well. You were all so right when you said, I shouldn't allow  our "difficult" son to chase  us away. Why didn't I think of that? lol...Thank you again for all your advice.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

herbalescapes

I know you've made a decision already, but I'm going to throw my two cents in anyways.  Geographical distance isn't necessarily a contributing factor in the quality of a relationship.  Many GPs who are hundreds/thousands miles away develop close bonds with their GC.  Many GPs who are a two minute walk away from their GC never see them.  I love where I grew up, but I knew I was not temperamentally suited to living close to my own parents.  We live nearly 1000 miles from my parents, yet they have a pretty close (I think) relationship with my kids.  In fact, my one child is especially close to one of my aunts who he only sees when we visit my parents - on average less than once a year.  My aunt has never visited us.  Yet "Johnny" loves his "Aunt Sue" and talks about her a lot.  I got along great with my ILs until we moved a half hour away from them.  Go figure.  Being nearer set up different expectations that I was not temperamentally suited (I guess) to meeting for them.  If you moved so your DS would learn to appreciate what he had had now that it (you) is gone, you'd be really disappointed if he didn't notice your absence.  Or was happy about it.  Or, and technology has made this quite simple, still managed to intrude on your new life and make you feel rejected.  You and DH need to make your living choices based on what's best for the both of you.  Parents of dependent children are obligated to take the needs and welfare of said dependent children into consideration while making decisions.  You have adult children.  YOU ARE FREE!  Good luck.  I hope you and DH find a happy balance in your move. 

luise.volta

Are you and DH any closer to agreeing on this? That would be a huge problem for me. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

freespirit

Thank you, herbalescapes, for your long and thoughtful response. 

If I were alone, and could decide where I would want to reside in my senior years, I would move to my favourite spot, Lake Constance, in Germany. But,...I'm not alone. And I think insisting on my wishes would be detrimental to my marriage. Ugh. So, I am giving in. there are days though, that I think,...we women really give in a lot for the sake of harmony.
On the other hand; remaining in the vicinity of my family has also its benefits, and I'm trying to concentrate on those, and see the positive side. I just can't imagine moving away with a sulking husband. He would probably do it, but he would be very grumpy about it, and make my life miserable.  So what is a gal to do?

Luise, what do you mean it would be a problem for you? You mean not agreeing or moving away from family?  I just think the older I get, the less "fight" I have in me.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

luise.volta

If I am remembering right...I think it was DH wanting to stay put and DW wanting to move. I would find that hard. It's such a big issue to disagree on and, as just stated, for either partner agreeing to keep the peace can come at a price.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

freespirit

 ;D...miracles DO happen! Today my husband and I searched through real-estate at the lake I would like to move to. And he wants to see the condos! Wooeeee...little steps; ...but we are getting there. Of course we would only take an apt. with a guest room for when family comes to visit. And I figure if the location is good, near beach and all kinds of activities, they will be coming around the mountains to visit. 8)....Funny how things happen, when you are just about to give up.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama