I don't know what to do

[elsieshaye]

Thank you it is hard cos I lost my dad 2 years ago,lovely man, to' parkinsons' and my younger sister to cancer only 5 months ago and I just feel I am doing everything now for other people and I just seem to have lost myself. x

As others have said, you are dealing with a lot, and may have just plain exceeded your bandwidth.  Are you getting any support from somewhere (support group, counselor, weekly lunch date with friends)?  Do you have a source of respite care for your mother, so that you can take some time for yourself?  The impact on you of grief and of being a caregiver, especially to multiple people, is very real and needs your loving attention.  You deserve some care yourself, KWIM?

[fangle]

W3 - I must have over looked that part, I'm sorry for the loss of your Father and Sister. xo

[worrier 3]

Oh today is going to be a bad one again. My AS has BDD. He is convinced that he was born with a deformity and isn't 'normal'. He wasn't. He was premature with a heart murmur but that has gone now. It is very sad because however much you tell that person. Years in fact,they don't believe you.
He has been told by the doctors that this isn't so and been checked physically. It's psychiatric but he just won't have it. He now wants me to tell him again for the umpteenth time and to stop lying to him . I have looked into this and he is going to be starting treatment next week but it hurts me so much that he thinks he is so ugly and deformed. He isn't at all. He was crying to me on the phone this morning saying  'just tell me the truth,then I can deal with it'. The doctors will help him and have told him that but at the moment he won;t accept it. I know eventually he will come to terms with this condition but it really hurts. Had a good day yesterday but ohhh.

In reply,thank you to elsieshaye,no I am not  getting any help from anyone.  I don't have friends[sorry that must sound crazy]. I am just always inbetween my mum's,my other ADs babysittting at weekends or at my AS trying to do the best I can. This site is the first time I have ever been able to say anything.
Thank you for all your kind replies,thoughts and inspiration that I have received since being on here.  Lots of love x

[elsieshaye]

W3, my ex-sister-in-law has BDD.  Lots of midnight phonecalls to me for validation when Ex-H and I first married, because she'd worn out the other family members and would get very angry when they (however gently) asked her to get psychiatric help.  It felt very real to her, and she felt very alone because every doctor she turned to told her the same thing.  Nothing helps but getting the exact help your son really needs, and I definitely understand that it hurts watching him go through this, especially because you can't fix it for him.  I'm so glad he is willing to go to treatment, even if he isn't totally convinced they're right about it.

Right after my divorce, dealing with both my son's and my mother's illnesses, plus my job and my ex's drama, I had zero time or energy for friends.  I found other people really overwhelming.  I got just about all my support online, in different support groups for parents of kids with my son's diagnosis and for caregivers of elderly parents, and a couple of others.  It was a lifesaver.  So, no, I don't think it's crazy to have no one physically around that you feel comfortable leaning on.  It's a consequence of being overwhelmed, I think. 

The most difficult thing in navigating my mother's/son's/ex's issues and how they impacted my life was realizing that people we love have stuff of their own that they are going through, and that there's a difference between empathizing with them, and taking on their pain as your own.  You can love them and be loving without taking on their pain and hurting yourself with it, KWIM?  When someone else's bad day ruins YOUR day, that's a sign that loving detachment is what's needed.  Easier said than done, especially when you're exhausted already.  Sending you lots of love.

[worrier 3]

Thank you, just thank you.

[Pooh]

That was beautiful elsieshaye.

Worrier, start with something simple.  A hot bath with a couple of candles.  It can be that simple.

[fangle]

Great advice from Pooh!  I'm just checking in to say I'm thinking of you and your Son. xo

[worrier 3]

Hello everyone just a quick update. Thought things were going ok until last friday,when I went to see him.  He had cut all his face and arms so I took him straight to the hospital again. The Psychiatrist came and spoke to him for about 2 hours and suggested a  plan until we go back on the 2nd April. She explained to him that he needs counselling aswell and that he has to come to terms with things from the past like everyone else does. She was quite strict with no nonsense  and he seemed to listen to her. Anyway she arranged for the Police to come and search him to make sure he had nothing to harm himself with and that she was happy for him to go home. I couldn't believe it. The Police drove him home to make sure he was safe, I was to get my own way back. He has BDD and will be getting the help but it hurts me so much. I tell him I love him everyday and he does accept the fact that people do want to help so will just have to wait until Tuesday. My eldest daughter arranged for me to go out tonight as I desperately need a break from this but now he just thinks I don't care. I don't feel like it at all but I know I need to to take my mind off this even for a couple of hours. I just feel so guilty.I know I shouldn't but we'll see how today goes.  Thanks for being here lots o love x

[nikncon]

Good morning Worrier.I think that going out with your DD for a couple of hours will make you feel better.Even if you can forget all the stress that you are going through for just a couple of hours you will feel stronger to face what's to come.Good luck and take care of yourself.

[elsieshaye]

W3, think of going out with your daughter as something like a nap.  When you're exhausted, sometimes just a short sleep is all you need to feel like a person again and get on with the rest of what you have to do.  When you're emotionally exhausted, sometimes all you need is a couple hours of fun (or at least thinking different thoughts than the usual treadmill) to be able to face everything again.

[worrier 3]

Thank you,yes I do think I will. It will be exactly the same tomorrow but that is tomorrow.X

[luise.volta]

My take is that DS thinking you don't care has nothing to do with you. I don't have a clue what it is about, but it's probably symptomatic.
The counselor is pointing him toward being responsible for his recovery and his life. And it seems to me that you taking care of you is about you getting through this, as well. You, too, have a life. i think DD is showing compassion and wisdom to give you the kind of support she is offering. Sending love...

[fangle]

Just checking in - I hope you were able to let your hair down with your DD for a few hours.  It sounds like your DS has a lot of hard work ahead, but try and remember that worry changes nothing.  I wish you all the very best!! xo