I don't know what to do

[worrier 3]

 I don't know where to start but this site looks like the ideal place. I cannot talk to anyone. I have 3 grown up children and 2 grandchildren,beautiful and another on the way. I am currently caring for my mother after a heart attack last year. She actually died for 7 minutes but the doctors' brought her back. I had to move in to care for her. My eldest daughter is in a very long relationship and expecting her first baby. Not a problem but my other 2,well. Lets just say my son who is now 25, is very very depressed and has tried to end his life. I have taken him to the hospital to get help,which he has agreed to but he blames everything on me as I was 'such a bad mother'. Can't explain all now but was in a violent relationship and had to leave, in fact ohh there is too much to write now. Basically I ruined their lives,nothing I do is right,even though I babysit for my daughter every weekend,. Am just in limbo .  Sorry am getting too upset will come back later. Thank you forn just letting me write this, I really thought I was the only one x

[herbalescapes]

Sometimes all we need is knowing we are not the only ones in order to put up with life's trials.  you are certainly not the only mother who is blamed for what has gone wrong in our children's lives.  It's only human nature to look for scapegoats.  It's a good sign that DS is getting help.  He'll problem blame you for awhile.  Hopefully his treatment will lead him to realize he has to take control of his own life and quit using you as an excuse.  You mention being in a violent relationship.  Even if your kids weren't living at home with at the time, that can have serious effects on your kids and others close to you.  Give them time to come to terms with it.  They won't have all the details you have and they'll probably have details that you don't.  Their own personalities will influence how badly they were affected by the situation.  Don't expect them to get over, forget, forgive, etc. at the same pace you do.

Good luck.  Try to concentrate on the positives.  A big step is understanding we can't control our AC and need to live our own lives the best we can.

[luise.volta]

Welcome - Take a deep breath and know that you have a family here if you find WWU a fit. The details are not the most important thing. Opening up for support is where most of us start and you have taken the first step. As a "newbie," please go to our Home Page and read the three posts under the category Open Me First. What we require of our members is carefully outlined there. We are a monitored Web-forum for women with issues with adult children and extended families. None of us are perfect and we are all doing our best. Sending love...   

[shiny]

W3, glad you found this site, too. It has been extremely helpful for many. We all have different situations but one thing in common-- heartache and sometimes confusion.
Sounds like you have a LOT on your plate right now.
What I'm learning: we cannot fix others' problems or change their hearts and thoughts. But we can focus on ours.
I've been trying to do these things, maybe they will help you too!
Try to take one day at a time, and take care of yourself. Sometimes tomorrow's worries never happen!
Every day do some things that you enjoy -- even if it's just eating chocolate! 
Keep a notepad nearby and from time to time, write some of your blessings to counter the negative thoughts. Then you can go back later and read when you're having a down time.
Give things some time and do not give yourself permission to worry or stress out over what you can't control.
It's a battle to do this stuff, I know, but there is a reward for hard work.

[Didi.lost]

Welcome W3.  Sorry you are feeling so bad.  Your not alone.  We all care and have AC that treat us badly.  That,s why we are here and this a wonderful site full of wise and supportive moms.  Return often and read as this is what has gotten me through this past 13 months of heartache.

Sending lots of love

[fangle]

It seems as though you have an awful lot going on and it is a lot to process.  It seems that you are very caring for looking after your son when he was ill and needed you.  I hope that you will look after yourself aswell.  Only if you are looked after, will you be able to assist others.  Remember charity starts at home.  You deserve to treat yourself well.  I hope that you will find support and comfort here. Good Luck! xo

Edit: I removed it for you fangle

[worrier 3]

Thank you for the support I now have a good feeling for today for the first time thanks to your site. All I can say is thank you. I did post an earlier reply but think I lost it. Sending good wishes to everyone.

[Pooh]

Welcome worrier and know you are not alone.  As Mother's we make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes are cloaked reasons because of the situations we have got in.  Herbal was right.  Your son has to come to terms with the past and move forward, as do you.  You did your best and you can't change the past.  You can move forward.

[worrier 3]

Thank you it is hard cos I lost my dad 2 years ago,lovely man, to' parkinsons' and my younger sister to cancer only 5 months ago and I just feel I am doing everything now for other people and I just seem to have lost myself. x

[Pooh]

Then that's your first order of business, find yourself again and take care of you.

[confusedbyinlaws]

I am sorry for what you are going through.  You must be very worried about your son.  I think many adult children go through difficulties and often blame problems on the way they were raised.  Many of us have made mistakes with our children that we regret but we did the best we could with what we had.  I remember in my early thirties I started going to therapy and in the process came to terms with anger I had toward my mother.  When I talked to her about it, her response helped me.  She admitted that she made mistakes and acknowledged what they were and I could see the hurt and guilt on her face.  That was all it took for me to realize that dwelling on those things wasn't going to help and it was up to me to deal with my problems as an adult. She was obviously painfully aware of the mistakes she made.  Sometimes adult children just want acknowledgement of how they were hurt as children.  Similarly my daughter has expressed anger toward me and my husband about things we did that hurt her as a child and has also needed that acknowledgement.  It's not that I think we are to blame for all of our children's problems or that we should take the blame, however. 

[luise.volta]

I sometimes wonder, when I think of my own childhood and a mother who wouldn't touch me and never said she loved me, if there is such a thing as a lovely childhood. Our parents did the best they could and then, when our time came, so did we. I remember when my son, Kirk, (our beloved Webmaster), came to me in his mid-20s and thanked me for all that I had contributed to him as a child while noting that sometimes my best left a lot to be desired...and then told me he would take it from there...expand what was solid and heal what wasn't. What a gift! Most of you know that his older brother...same home, same parents...did not agree with him. Adult children go their own way, sometimes leaving our expectations in the dust. I think it is terribly hard to get that a lot of that is about them, not us.

[Keys Girl]

Worrier, I've heard that "You ruined my life" before.  It's a nasty knife, that cuts deep but I would like to point out that the only life you can ruin is your own.  Unless you were living two lives or even 3 at the same time, that tactic is nothing more than a tactic designed to get you to feel bad.

Hang in there, and do as much as you can for yourself.  It's still your own life after all and you deserve to be happy as possible.

Good luck,
KG

[worrier 3]

It has only been a week since my AS has been in therapy and already he has made a lot of progress.  He is a very kind and thoughtful person really, especially towards others,would do anything for you. Last nights' phone call he actually 'spoke' to me for the first time in a long time and finished the conversation with I love you.  I cried for about 2 hours. Also he was talking about next week and that is a good thing. Am treading carefully I don't expect it to be easy but it's  a start. Hopefully my AD will be ok this week and I might actually get a day off but it's only early yet. Here's hoping. Love to everyone here and thank you, I do feel I have friends now and am so grateful to you all.

[fangle]

I am so happy to hear that your Son is making progress.  You do have friends here.  xo