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A daily battle

Started by shiny, March 04, 2013, 04:07:24 PM

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shiny

As a newbie, I've yet to post the story about my situation, but I do want to participate in this helpful forum. After reading much of the posts here, I've been greatly encouraged from the various wise comments.
My AD is thirty-something and for the past eight years, our relationship has been one rocky road.
And no one knows why. Not one person in the family can figure her out. We have asked her till blue in the face if we offended her. No answer. We've asked for forgiveness if we have. No response.
So basically, DH and I have quit beating our heads against the bric wall, but it still hurts.
It's painful when the GKs had birthday party last week and we were not included. It didn't use to be this way when they were younger.
It's also painful when DH called her (after not hearing fom her for a month) and informed her of his cancer diagnosis, and she doesn't call him to see how he's doing.
I'm reminded of Luise's comment that we were whole people before having children and we can be whole again.
I understand now that it was MY expectation to have a loving, extended family when my kids were grown, but it is an unfulfilled expectation, and disappoints.
It is a daily battle to remind myself that I was a good and loving mother, whether she appreciates it or not.
Thanks for listening. I know some of you have it worse than me...

Pen

Shiny, I'm so sorry you're going through this pain & sorry to hear about your DH. I hope he's doing OK. You're right about becoming whole again - it is possible & it is hard work. Those pesky expectations can trip us up, though. I don't feel bad about having them myself, I think it's kind of normal to hope for a certain outcome. It's being unable or unwilling to switch gears & move on when that outcome is impossible that makes us miserable.

Thanks for listening to us, too. As far as some people's situations being worse or better than ours, we're all equals here. Pain is pain. Our situations ebb & flow, rise and fall.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

I agree, pain is pain and disappointment and hurt are something we all share, no matter what the situation.  My thoughts to you and DH.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Welcome - Yes, we all do our best and that differs from one day to another. We're human. Trying to make sense of the senseless is both nonproductive and exhausting. Adult children make choices and face, 0r don't, the consequences. One of my sons thought I was the Wicked Witch of the West and the other...that the sun rose and set in me. Did it have much to do with me? I don't think so. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

fangle

Hello,
That sounds very upsetting and impossible to make sense of, especially since you have reached out and heard no response.  I hope that your DH is doing okay.  I wish you both the very best in your battle against cancer.  Does your DD speak to you at all or let you see your DGC?  Would it be possible to spend some time with your DGC alone?  This is not what you were expecting, and you need your focus for your husband, I hope that you can muster your strength.  Good Luck! xo

confusedbyinlaws

I am so sorry about your husband's cancer and I hope he is dong ok.   And I am so sorry about the strained relationship with your daughter.  It's strange that she won't talk about what is bothering her.  It makes me wonder if it's more about what's going on with her personally than an actual problem with you. Sometimes when people are stressed they lash out at or blame people who have nothing to do with the problem.   I wish she would talk to you about whatever is bothering her. 

herbalescapes

It's hard to solve a problem when you don't know what the problem is.  Your AD's refusal to give any details makes it hard to resolve the situation. Given her behavior, it's easy to sit back and assume she's being mean, selfish, rude, etc.  I always try to remind myself (with varying degrees of success) that just maybe someone's hurtful behavior is actually understandable if only I knew the details.  If your AD is suffering from some sort of mental illness, her behavior, while hurtful, is deserving of pity rather than anger.  Maybe something happened to her 8 years ago that she's just not comfortable sharing, but is deserving of compassion rather than resentment.  I know it's easy for me to sit back and type give-her-a-break advice.  I'm not on the receiving end of her rejection and you are.  You'll find great suggestions on this site on how to deal with the type of rejection you are in.  Find some that works for you.  And give yourself time.  Ain't no magic wand to make the hurt go away, unfortunately.

shiny

Thanks to all for your encouragement.

H. Your post spoke right to me today...she does have a mental health issue, but not sure which one. About twelve years ago she had a scary scenario, and the doctor said it was bipolar, but that's all I know. I'm not convinced that's what it is, and at this point, I don't try to figure it out because she will not talk freely about it. So we don't probe. I suppose it would help me more if I did understand how her MH problem affects her, and then others. But I will listen to your view, and turn my resentment into compassion and mercy instead. In fact, anyone who acts ugly like this deserves grace, b/c they are the ones who are messed up.

firelight

March 16, 2013, 05:17:26 AM #8 Last Edit: March 16, 2013, 06:39:52 AM by luise.volta
Welcome, shiny,

Glad you found this site.  As Pen:  well said.  We all are in this special club where we understand (I mean REALLY understand) the pain of motherhood gone awry.  It's ok to be an observer but I think you'll find it soothing and comforting to be able to vent and express emotions here in good company. 

We all take 1 step forward and 2 steps back when it comes to our kids, no matter their ages.  We all try to self-preserve, remember that we deserve good treatment, and move forward in life to make one for ourselves without our kids even though they are always with us in mind and heart.  Even when things go bad with an understanding that can be beyond our comprehension, we have other memories of a better time.  We can keep those in our hearts as exactly what it is:  a different place in time.  It doesn't make us forget, but with a little help from your friends here, you can find the courage and ability to move on in a different journey in our life and still have quality of that life. 

Glad you're here! 

Warmest thoughts to you.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

shiny

Thank you, Firelight, for taking the time to write these comforting words...they were like a soothing balm to my heart this morning.
Later when a negative thought popped into my mind, I remembered that you said to think of the good memories from a different time and place. I would like to re-train my brain to do this and quit dwelling on how the relationship is now.
However, sadness still abounds because I just want to keep making good memories with my family, especially in these latter years (65) of my life.
I am really thankful though for all the kindness and encouragement in this forum, even in the older comments, b/c trials and difficulties are part of life, and the WW's advice still applies to today's troubles!

Didi.lost

Welcome shiny
I too have to keep reminding myself I was the best mom I could be but it will NEVER be enough for my DD until she gets some counselling I,m afraid.  Her decision to make.  I can,t make her,  I,ve tried.  So I wait and see.
We were whole before we became parents and it helps to regain those memories of a care free happy time and go have some fun.  It,s pretty hard sometimes with what they put us through but it can be accomplished.

Lots of love

freespirit

Hello shiny,

I'm a newbie too. Your post humbled me,..for your problems, especially with your DH illness, are truly  heart breaking.

I think, without yet reading many of the posts in the forum;  it all comes down to one common dominator; and that is; our children, at least a lot of them, are incredibly egotistical. I ask myself why is that so? I too have repeatedly and critically questioned my upbringing methods.  But I can honestly say, we never spoiled our children. We gave them a lot of love, and they have even told us many times that they would raise their own children exactly the same way. But then for some unknown reason, something snapped in our younger son. And I have come to the conclusion that his father and I have nothing to do with this.

I think it doesn't matter if or if not something in the past has caused our offspring to treat us this way. For no matter what has happened we are still the parents. I think it helps to take a step back and view the situation as if you were viewing it from a stranger's eyes.  ( sorry if this has been said before)....But viewing your situation, shiny,  from my eyes,...I would say if an acquaintance or a neighbour or even a friend would treat you like your AD treats you,...what would you do?  And simply go on from there.

By the way, I really liked your sentence in your reply; "In fact, anyone who acts ugly like this deserves grace, b/c they are the ones who are messed up."
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

fangle

I agree firelight.  Trying to make sense of senseless behaviour from people just because you are related to them is still banging your head against a brick wall.  It doesn't matter what the reason, the headache remains the same.  Sometimes I find it really helps to just take a step back, breathe and decide that I am just not going to even bother worrying about it and do something I enjoy.  And lately I have made myself a bit too busy to even have time, which has also helped.  There can always be bad days.  But, we just need to outweigh them with the good ones! xo

Marilou

March 19, 2013, 02:19:17 PM #13 Last Edit: March 19, 2013, 03:05:56 PM by luise.volta
I am so sorry for what your going through.  I will be praying for your situation and your husband.  It hurts so much when there is a problem with your children.  I thought when I was young my children would grow up and love each other and myself and husband as much as we loved them.  Well that is not how it always turns out as I have found out and yes, it does hurt!  However, as others have told me my children can not make me feel something, it's up to me to choose the hurt or not!  Though I am finding it difficult to not choose hurt, I am confident my personal beliefs will be able to help me overcome it, but like you it is a daily battle right now as it is for you!  I'm sure in time it will become easier and the battle will be lessened.