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I am just beaten down...

Started by SadMay, January 20, 2013, 11:25:40 PM

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SadMay

January 20, 2013, 11:25:40 PM Last Edit: January 21, 2013, 08:38:34 AM by luise.volta
This website is amazing and something led me to it... I feel... beaten to say the least.

My DS is 22 and just can't seem to get his act together. This past October he had some car trouble so I shared my car with him. When it went into the shop, I shared my car again. (He lives 5 miles from us) His car was in the shop for a week and he didn't have money for repairs, so his step-father and I paid $487 for the repairs. Two weeks later, his axle broke and he had to have the car towed. I've been sharing my car since. He's put gas in it twice (out of necessity), and I never asked for money towards insurance. He leaves fast food garbage, soda cans, eats my gum, etc. He got a $15 parking ticket and didn't tell me so when I received the notice in the mail due to non-payment, it was $75.

Seven days later, he calls and tells me he got a ticket ($75) for the license plate lights not working. I found out they weren't working because he didn't replace a fuse I asked him to replace 6 weeks ago. I had 10 days to pay the ticket and after asking for it repeatedly, he finally brings it to me 3 days before its due. This past Thursday I asked him to go pay it (I wrote the check), he blew me off). Friday morning, I sent him a text and told him he HAD to go pay it. He told me to mail it. I told him I would have done that had he given it to me on time however, it was now due THAT DAY and he had to go take care of it and he agreed. I waited all day and still hadn't heard from him so at 3:30, I sent him another text and said: if you forget about this ticket, I will beat you. He ignored me, ignored my calls and didn't even respond until Saturday afternoon. I told him he was done taking advantage of me and to immediately return my car. He ignored me (I knew he had to work), he ignored my calls again so I sent another text and said, if you don't bring it back by 10am Sunday, I'm going to report it stolen.
Guess who was here this morning? I was very upset and I tore into him. He called me selfish.

There's way more to this story, but I'm emotionally exhausted. My DD hates me too.

woolovereyes

  Tell him to WALK.         Apparently he has no respect for you - your car or your credit/reputation.  At 22 ? Walking or bicycling will not kill him. If he wants to ACT like a child ( not cleaning up, not chipping in for gas /ins and not paying his tickets)  I would treat him like one. ie , Walk, or bike to wherever. Tell him when he wants to be a grown up , and can responsibly act like one, you MIGHT consider sharing your posessions ( car ) again. Till then? Exercise is good for him.

luise.volta

S -  Welcome! Please go to the Home Page and under Read Me First...read the three posts that I have there for new members. Abiding by the Forum Agreement is a requirement. If WWU feel like a fit...then you will need to follow its guidelines. I have modified your next to the last sentence. Any abbreviations that we can figure out are not OK to publish. I know there are other Websites where all expressions are acceptable and many sites that are not even monitored. However, here, I'm a bit protective. We're a monitored site and we work really hard to keep it a comfortable place for all concerned. Thanks.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SadMay

Thank you Wool - he hasn't had respect for a very LONG time... I am just finding my voice. He owes us over $1500 and I'm shutting off his cell phone today.   :)

Maybe his roommates will drive him to and from work. Not my problem. I have a car. I pay my bills. I respect my things. I don't drink, I don't do drugs and I'm in school. I respect my parents.

I really tried to be patient. He must have taken lessons from DD, I'm done.

SadMay

Quote from: luise.volta on January 21, 2013, 08:49:55 AM
S -  Welcome! Please go to the Home Page and under Read Me First...read the three posts that I have there for new members. Abiding by the Forum Agreement is a requirement. If WWU feel like a fit...then you will need to follow its guidelines. I have modified your next to the last sentence. Any abbreviations that we can figure out are not OK to publish. I know there are other Websites where all expressions are acceptable and many sites that are not even monitored. However, here, I'm a bit protective. We're a monitored site and we work really hard to keep it a comfortable place for all concerned. Thanks.

I'm so sorry, I meant no direspect.  :-[ I did read that section first, I will not do it again. I like it here. Thank you.

luise.volta

S - Thanks. This happens so often that I need to know if there is a clearer way to put it in the Forum Agreement. You are very welcome here. We are a kind of cyber-family.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SadMay

Quote from: luise.volta on January 21, 2013, 09:15:01 AM
S - Thanks. This happens so often that I need to know if there is a clearer way to put it in the Forum Agreement. You are very welcome here. We are a kind of cyber-family.  :)

More acronyms?   :D

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Keys Girl

Quote from: SadMay on January 20, 2013, 11:25:40 PM
Guess who was here this morning? I was very upset and I tore into him. He called me selfish.
That's always the ultimate insult, isn't it? What a shame that you might think of your own needs coming first.  Nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, no one else will

There's way more to this story, but I'm emotionally exhausted. My DD hates me too. 
I hate you, isn't that what kids say when they are angry at their parents when they are 5 years old.  Let them hate you, but take care of yourself, they are just trying to manipulate you with the anger

Make a list of what is important to you, and make sure that you protect yourself from financial problems that these AC are happy to drop in your lap.  Good for you to let him know you would call the police and report the vehicle stolen, he obviously thought you might go through with it.

Hang in there,
KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Pen

Welcome, SadMay. Sorry you're going through this, but you aren't alone as you can see. Nothing like a big ol' dose of tough love and reality to get a kid's attention. Best wishes to you both, sincerely. Please keep reading and posting!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Faith

Oh dear, what an awful thing to go through. Did the ticket get paid in time? Just wondering.
If I was in your position I would absolutely refuse to let him use the car at all. He has disrespected you and does not deserve the privilege of using your car.
As for your DD, it is not her problem, so in all honestly I feel you need to tell her that. These things blow over more quickly if you are firm and decisive. It is the only way to make your DD and DS respect you. They may not like what you have done, but that doesn't mean you are wrong. Far from it in fact.
I speak from hard experience here. For a very long time, I allowed my AC's to take advantage of me. They cost me thousands of £'s I was forever sorting out their muddles. It really didn't help  in the long run.
Our kids have to learn to stand on their own feet and learn to face the consequences if they do wrong. Letting them walk all over you simply gains their contempt. My adult DD's stopped speaking to me, one 5 years ago. (She has only just started speaking to me on FB) The oldest one told me to go and commit suicide just after Christmas, so we are not speaking.
They are both in their 40's now.
My DS who is the oldest has turned out well but it certainly wasn't easy when he was younger.
Your kids need time to grow up, I think they will respect you for being strong with them in the long run.
Things should settle down once your DS clearly knows where he stands.

SadMay

Quote from: Faith on January 21, 2013, 07:31:34 PM
Oh dear, what an awful thing to go through. Did the ticket get paid in time? Just wondering.
If I was in your position I would absolutely refuse to let him use the car at all. He has disrespected you and does not deserve the privilege of using your car.
As for your DD, it is not her problem, so in all honestly I feel you need to tell her that. These things blow over more quickly if you are firm and decisive. It is the only way to make your DD and DS respect you. They may not like what you have done, but that doesn't mean you are wrong. Far from it in fact.
I speak from hard experience here. For a very long time, I allowed my AC's to take advantage of me. They cost me thousands of £'s I was forever sorting out their muddles. It really didn't help  in the long run.
Our kids have to learn to stand on their own feet and learn to face the consequences if they do wrong. Letting them walk all over you simply gains their contempt. My adult DD's stopped speaking to me, one 5 years ago. (She has only just started speaking to me on FB) The oldest one told me to go and commit suicide just after Christmas, so we are not speaking.
They are both in their 40's now.
My DS who is the oldest has turned out well but it certainly wasn't easy when he was younger.
Your kids need time to grow up, I think they will respect you for being strong with them in the long run.
Things should settle down once your DS clearly knows where he stands.

Nope, the $75 ticket is late and now I owe $195. Isn't that great? I have had a ticket in 22 years and now I've had 2 in the last three weeks!

He brought the car back on Sunday morning and when I expressed in detail WHY he took advantage of me he flipped out. The narcissistic little ingrates don't like being called out on their own garbage and become increasingly agitated when you do so. He had many choice words for me, none of which I can repeat here and when my DH stood to defend me, DS had colorful words for him too. It became physical and I feared for my DS, I literally had to my little body between two very large men to stop it.

Just confirmation for me that I have to stop the madness myself or allow them to keep steam rolling right over me. I told him to get out of my house and not to return!

I never thought I would say this but the less DD talks to me, the better I feel. I saw her at a family gathering a couple of weeks ago. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I texted her for her birthday a week later and she ripped into me. I didn't respond. Why fuel the fire the I have to stick my hand into???

I'm extremely angry at this juncture and they can all suck eggs. Let them borrow money, support each other, leave with each other and bail each other out. While they're at it, they can kick each other when they feel like it because it's not going to be me.

Faith

In England the driver who got the ticket pays, not the car owner. Is there any way you can appeal? The policeman who issued the ticket should know who was driving. Just a thought. We also have an appeal procedure. Just thinking aloud here.
You did the right thing making your DS leave. The last thing you need is him causing you problems. As for your DD you were right to ignore her text.
Maybe if they see you asserting yourself and getting on with your life, they will slink away and hopefully grow up before they get back in touch.
Sadly all too many AC's behave like this, the world over. Most of them grow up and turn into nice people.
I have no idea why teenagers can be so awful. In primitive tribes they seem to have the right idea, by putting their teenagers through complex and difficult ceremonies. Only then, are they considered to be men/women.
Shame we can't do that in the West.

Pooh

Man are you selfish!  I mean, you paid for repairs, let him borrow your car, put endless gas in your vehicle for him to run out, clean up after his mess, pay his tickets and then have the audacity to want your car back!  Psssshh.....what a horrible person you are!   ;D

Good for you for setting your boundaries and cutting off the financial help. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Faith

Good for you Sad May. You did the right thing and are doing your DS a favour by making him realise he has to grow up and stand on his own two feet.