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Reporting in On Val

Started by luise.volta, May 11, 2010, 10:00:39 AM

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0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Orly

Quote from: luise.volta on May 27, 2010, 09:56:47 AM
You are so kind. Actually, I think I have a little devil on one shoulder like Orly does. There is often dissension in the ranks.  ;D >:( ;D ;D >:(

Yes Luise, you do have that little devil...you just keep him in line better than I do mine!

luise.volta

Well, I'm a couple of years older!  ;D 8) :o
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

I'm sending up tons of good vibes so that you do go on that cruise...you deserve it Luise!

We're all rootin for you!!!

luise.volta

Thank you so much. My energy is pretty non-existent, which often happens to long-term caregivers...but I have three months to move ahead in the healing process. Fifty of us are going from here along with our activity director, so I will have support close at hand.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cadagi101

Luise, I am very new to this site.  In a such a short time you have inspired me
more than  anyone has in my entire life.  I am  48 and I now I feel life has just begun.
there is so much to look forward to. ( I haven't always felt that  way.)  Be kind to yourself you give so
much to others.
Thankyou for sharing with us and enjoy the cruise.







luise.volta

It is nearly time for full payment for the cruise and I am waffling. I don't see a lot of improvement, energetically...if any. Many tell me it takes years and you don't ever get back to where you were but I plan to.  ;) At 83 you just don't bounce back...it's more like a crawl. And of course I am still going over to nursing to see Val twice a day. He continues to decline. He didn't recognize his kids on Father's Day. But he is content and at peace. Bless his heart.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

If you didn't have the the low energy problem, would you be waffling?   Don't get me wrong, I know you want to have energy to go and enjoy yourself, but if you truly want to go.....GO!  You so deserve it and I think it might help recharge your batteries some to go.  So all stumbling blocks aside, do you want to go?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

No, not feeling the way I do. I tire too quickly and a good night's sleep doesn't right it. I have no reserves. I should have put Val into nursing about three years ago...I have been care taking for eleven years...and ran on "empty" too long. We see it here all the time...by the time a spouse is put into nursing, there's no saving the care taker. I'm going to be the exception to the rule. I am!  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Bless your heart.  I know you are not looking for sympathy and even though you know you should have done something three years ago, you are such a giving person you were doing what you thought was best for him at the time.  I know you are going to be the exception to the rule!   ;D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Thank you. I could see it in others...going to far for too long...but I couldn't let go until I was unable  to function. I see in retrospect that I was preserving a lifestyle that Val was no longer aware enough to value but I didn't know that. We often see care givers die before their loved ones here. Until I was reduced to being unable to do anything but cry, (and I'm not a crier) I didn't see it in myself.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Ok, so make an alternate plan....hmmm.  Let's see....we could have our own WWU convention somewhere in say, two years.  There will be Japanese Tea, a slip and slide and Oreos.  My kind of convention! Lol. 

Lots of love to you Luise and I am so honored that you choose to share your stories, words of wisdom and experiences with us.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Just remember, dear one, that if the members didn't show up, I would be sitting here posting to myself! Thanks so much!  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

allcriedout

Luise,
I stumbled upon your site last week and finally decided to post last night. Then today I am looking at recent posts and saw this post about your husband. I just have 5 words to say, YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN!  I am so sorry to hear about Val. My 80 yr old mother is in a nursing home ten miles from me and in the home there are a few spouses in your same situation. I cannot even imagine. My mother has declined a lot lately, she still knows who I am but we spend a lot of quiet time together lately, she just drifts off mentally in her own little world. Its not easy being the caregiver and then making the decision to finally ask for help. I am sure the guilt was overwhelming at first. I know mine was when I made the decision to place my mother in a nursing home. I know for myself, I have a huge "caregiving" type personality and a major theme in my life is "guilt". I tend to carry the burden of the world on my shoulders. I just wanted to take a few minutes to commend you for all you have done for Val over the last 11 years at home and what you continue to do while you live apart in residences but not in your hearts.  I also want to thank you for being the person behind the screen who has been there for so many when they felt like no one else was there to hear their trials and tribulations.  Thank you so much! I believe I will be here at your site for a very long time.  Your new friend (and neighbor) on a little island in the Puget Sound with a Naval Air Station.  Hugs, Sandy

luise.volta

Well, we're glad you're here!  :) I am three years older than your mother and Val will be 99 in October. It's a tough scene, not matter the age or how you're related. Bless your heart for hanging in there with her.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Hope

Quote from: luise.volta on May 30, 2010, 10:27:11 AM
Sweet Hope - Cyber-relationships can be misleading...and full of misconceptions. Everything I wrote is true. I don't think I lost my identity in care giving but...I very nearly lost my life. I will try to give you a different perspective.

Val is in nursing because after 11 years of care giving and "pushing through" my mounting fatigue, I simply dropped. I wept without reason...my energy was so low that I was unable to converse. It felt like I did not have the strength to breathe. When an insurance caseworker who was assigned to Val, suggested a home nursing service evaluate our situation with "respite time" for me in mind, I was shocked to realize that it wouldn't help because if I had any time when I was not on red-alert, I would be too tired to do anything with it except lie down...and when I got up, nothing would have changed. Our staff social worker here offered three days respite for me where Val would be admitted to nursing and I could be alone. (I wasn't sleep-deprived, I was just burned out.) Then she realized that I needed the maximum, which was two weeks. And finally as I sat in her office trying to sign up for that, weeping and unable to speak, we both realized that Val had to be moved into nursing permanently and that I might have passed the point of no return.

That happens here a lot; either the loved one out-lives that care giver because all of the care giver's reserves have been used up and he/she dies...or when help is sought, it is too late, and the care giver never recovers and is just a shuffling, lifeless shell for the rest of his/her life. I could see it in others but not in the mirror.

I have written about this on WWU and have left the site for extended periods of time...and have stopped my work on www.MomResponds.com, letting questions pile up there on several occasions.

Val has been in nursing now for two months and I am still very marginal. Yes, I visit him twice a day and walk our pup three or four times a day...yes, I post here and have caught up on my questions "over there"...but my ankle hasn't healed properly from the fracture of Nov. 20th and my energy is very minimal and unreliable. I can't drive far or walk far. I eat my evening meals over in our assisted care unit on my way over to see Val the second time because shopping and cooking are beyond me. It's going to be a long, slow process...I can see that clearly and I am still facing eventual loss.

Where you are concerned, I would not accept that fatigue is "normal" at 55. You are Kirk's age and the age of several of my closest friends and "sort of" kids. There is a reason for you fatigue whether it is medical or something else (or even a combination of reasons) and you need to look for it and get you Life Force back. If I can do it at 83, you can do it! Look closely, journal, pray and see a wise counselor. I started a whole new life at 62 when Val and I married...you can get yourself back! Sending love...

Luise, I apologize for my long absence.  I just saw your post.  I have thought often of you and my other wwu friends in the time that lapsed.  I get lost in this site and find myself unwilling to do anything else when I get wrapped up in it.  I had to take a break as the workload at my job has been relentless and things at home are hopping more than usual.  Among other things, we are having a baby couples shower at our house this Saturday and the planning has been a time hog.  Reading over your post describing your fatigue and set back has given me a new appreciation for what care givers go through.  I'm so thankful that you sought professional help and that you did what had to be done - settling Val into the nursing home.   I see you as an incredible woman - with so much to offer.  You have given of yourself not only to Val, but to everyone in your life, including us.  I'm so happy to hear that you plan to go on a cruise.  I think it will do you good to go and relax.  It's about time you took care of Luise!  And going with an organized group that will be handling the details is a great idea!  The food alone will be a piece of heaven.  Go, go, go!  Taking each day in little bite size pieces will get you through it and back to the Luise you once knew.  Love you!  Hope