Gonna wring my son's neck

[BellaTerra66]

   About 20 months ago, he had a child out of wedlock with a woman he didn't know very well and didn't love.  At the age of 35, he just wanted to have a child with a good woman (that's what he told me), and so he did.  Right after the young woman got pregnant, he and she moved in together and stayed together for over 2 years -- my granddaughter was about 18 months old when they separated.  She's back home living with her parents, who have been married a long time and seem stable, so I know my GD is all right.  He pays a minimal amt of CS, and his ex-GF lets him have the baby most weekends and a day or two during the week. 

I taught him how to do a budget years ago, but we all know that moving is expensive.  He moved out in October, Christmas came, and now he's broke.  This morning he e-mailed me and wanted me to do a bank-to-bank transfer so he could pay his cell phone bill.  His GF wouldn't let him have the baby this weekend because he doesn't have a working phone at the moment.

I refused to send the money.  Altho' he says he's been going to AA since Christmas Eve (and I believe him), I am positive he is still drinking and using weed.  He doesn't have a sponsor and all he talks about is 'chips' which he wants in his hand when she takes him to court -- which she is going to do sooner or later.  But, regardless, he went WAY overboard buying Christmas presents for his baby daughter.  I sent him $100 for Christmas -- and he used that too to buy presents.  He didn't even bother to send me a Xmas card or a birthday card.  (My BD is a week after Christmas.)

I know I did the right thing today by not send money for his phone bill -- but I need someone to tell me I did the right thing.  I'm angry and I'm worried.

Thanks.

Bella

[JaneF]

I would have done the same thing.  Son needed to budget better, and instead of spending a huge amount for gifts, should have saved back some for that bill.  Enabling teaches nothing...I agree with your choice.  Been there, done that!  Blessings to you.  J

[FAFE]

Oh yeah, you definitely did the right thing.  The Bank of Mom and Dad closed here long ago.  If the child was sick or in dire need of anything I would certainly help - but bypassing the son (if you trust that the mother would use it for that purpose). 

[luise.volta]

My vote is positive, too. Learning often comes from consequences and if we help them by-pass that, we're doing harm.

[Begonia]

BT: I have not read your post because the title is too violent for me.  Even if we mean no harm by this, it sends the wrong message in my opinion. I think it is a good reminder that what we write goes out to the world and the world may make an opinion based solely on that message, like I have.  With all due respect, I felt I had to speak out on this.  I love this forum because it is non-violent and I hope it stays that way.

[Faith]

Hi Bella, I understand how you feel.  For many years, I used to help my adult kids out over and over again. My DS who is the oldest was the first to learn responsibility. He had a good partner.

My two daughters were always wanting hand outs, even loans were not always paid back. I spent thousands on them. Helped them sort out their muddles, was always there for them. Then when they got older they changed.

The youngest one was first to stop speaking to me 5 years ago (now aged 42). Recently it was the oldest girl (aged 45).  My oldest grandaughter was always after money, until she copied her mother and stopped speaking to me as well.

As a result I don't see any of my daughters GC or my GGC.

It is probably best to start as you mean to go on, otherwise you will find your DS comes to you again and again for handouts.

[Pooh]

My vote is positive as well.  You did the right thing.  I like to help those that help themselves and IMO, if he can buy alcohol and weed, he can pay his cell phone bill.  Good job.

Begonia, although I do get what you meant, I didn't find the title violent.  I've said that myself sometimes along with, "I could pinch his head off."  It's not meant as violent and there was nothing violent in her post.  I think that if a title does bother you, then just skip the post all together.  I promise, one of the mod's will fix a title or a post if it's violent as soon as one sees it.

[Pen]

Welcome, BellaTerra66.

Please take a moment to read the items under the topic Open Me First if you haven't already done so. We ask all new members to do this to make sure everyone understands the policies of the site and to make sure the site is a good fit.

Yup, I vote for no more Bank of Mom & Dad. Also, I get what you mean by the title of your post, but my concern would be if in the future anyone wants to accuse you of having a violent nature it might be used against you. Just a thought. We can edit if you like?

[Faith]

I didn't find the title violent either. Maybe it depends where you come from. In England and probably parts of America it is just a saying, no malice meant.

[Keys Girl]

Bella, I think you did the right thing.  Been there, done that, not much fun but better than setting up a pattern that ultimately bleeds you dry.

It doesn't matter what he tells you.  My ex tried to tell me he had been sober for months when we went to counselling.  I held off on getting back together and he was arrested 3 weeks later for his 3 DUI.  People who use drugs and alcohol and always telling you something but their actions speak volumes.

If you son's priorities were with seeing the baby he would have made sure the phone was in working order.  I suspect as you do that his priorities are in alcohol and weed. 

Good on you for having the smarts not to get pulled into the game where he asks you for money but can't be bothered to acknowledge your birthday with a card.

Next time he asks you for money (and I suspect he will) ask him for a loan because you are a little short on your own phone bill. 

If he has a key to your house, I would change the locks.  He may be angry if you don't give him money and try to get some in another fashion.  Sad but true that it's best to take protective measures when dealing with someone using all kinds of substances.

The title made me laugh because my mother used to say that when she was angry with someone.  I've thought the same thing myself but I think the phrase has gone out of use in the last few decades.

Good luck,
KG

[luise.volta]

B - It is always up to you whether you pass on a post or not. That's the "take what you want and leave the rest" thing that's works so well on WWU. The title is just a saying. Some of us speak and write that way and some of us refrain. I just got through exclaiming out loud to myself..."I'm gonna' kill that dog!" because Rosa was barking at a squirrel in the front yard. My guess is that if my neighbors had head me, it would have been OK. (I sure hope so.) Sending love...

[Faith]

My mother used to say "I'll wring your neck" when I was a kid. Lot's of adults did, it is just an old saying.