My Mothers day visit with son

[Marilyn]

I Hope every one had a wonderful Mothers day.

I had so much fun with my ys.Being able to spend MD with one,is sooooooo much better than spending it alone,like i have for 17yrs.It did help ease some of the pain just knowing ys showed he cared.The visit meant a lot to both of us.I was so impressed with how clean and organized their
little place was.For three bachelors,they really pull together with cooking and cleaning.One of his room mates has two kids,they were there for one day.I was blowed away by how well behaved,and polite and mannerly they are.They absolutely just love my ys,and he loves them.The father said your son is so good with them.This is what OS always tells me too,how good he is with the GC when we have been all together.Ys said Mom i want to see my brother and the GC's,but i'm so tired of the rejection and hurt,i just dont care any more.

He did call os,he didn't tell him what i thought would be the best thing to say,but still i dont think what he said was bad.He got the machine like always.......hi just wanted to call and see how all of you are doing,and to let you know i told Mom to come on up,just letting you know, if you would like  to get together.He did this Saturday evening about 7:30pm.
My ex called MD and ask if he called,that he called at 7:30 am to wish DIL happy MD.OS answered the phone said she was not home from work yet,and was cooking the kids breakfast.Then said Mom is here,he said he sounded shocked,but then said i guess they want to get together.Ex said he would call back at 9:30,on his next break to wish DIL happy MD,os said she should still be up,not in bed yet.He called back,but no answer this time.
My os never called to wish me happy MD,i thought i would at least get a call.I didn't let it ruin my day,but it did make me and ys feel sad because we knew DIL would be sleeping,os would have the kids to take care of,he could of came over for a while.On the drive back home,there was some sadness hanging over me,but a pieceful feeling from the memories made with ys.

When i got home there was a message from os wishing me happy MD,and to call back when i had the chance.The message was at 9:16 am Sun........."ex said he called at 9:30 no answer"

I called ys to let him know i made it home,and told him about the message.He said os called him,and he was soooooo busy he could not talk to him long.OS told him DIL was sleepling,he took the kids to their soccer and ball practice and when he got home and got the message from him it was too late to call.

So,when ys called Saturday night,that meant DIL was alraedy gone to work.Ex called os son 7:30am,told his dad i was there.I get message on house phone at 9:16am.Son waited till DIL came home and this was how they decided to handle it.
This is just what i am assuming,but appears to be the case.

This is  really jacked up.

I'm waisting my time,i do not want to talk to my os son now,or even try to keep in touch any more.

It is so stressful with no job,no family support here,i do not NEED this extra stress in my life.

He will know,when i do not respond,what has caused this!I feel if i dont take this approached,i am putting up with being disrespected,and enabling him to continue lieing and treating me very poorly.
To confront him,would probably not solve a thing.Every thing gets twisted any way,nothing ever will change.

Any one have a better idea,or suggestion?I can not keep living like this.

[Marilyn]

Can any body give me any input?Please

[1Glitterati]

He will know,when i do not respond,what has caused this!I feel if i dont take this approached,i am putting up with being disrespected,and enabling him to continue lieing and treating me very poorly.
To confront him,would probably not solve a thing.Every thing gets twisted any way,nothing ever will change.

You know...he may not know what caused it.  We all get in trouble or make miscommunications when we think we know what people think and feel just because we expect them to.

I'm not saying put up with what you consider being disrespected or have a big confrontation.  What about something along the lines of "I know you're very busy so I'll just wait for you contact me.  Let me know if we're still on for June or not"?

It isn't passive aggressive because that's what he's told you---that he's busy.  You're being honest that you don't plan to contact him.  It puts the ball totally in his court.

ETA...this is my suggestion because you seem to be saying you're tired and want a break from the drama.

[Barbie]

Hi, MIW, this makes me so sad, what I've learned to do and it wasn't easy, is to just try to go along with the flow, if he calls you, talk to him, if he doesn't, think he must be ok and there's no need for you to worry, if he comes to visit, welcome him with open arms and make the best of it. I don't think you would want lose contact with him completely. Your younger son is so good to you, try to concentrate on him more and if you could do some sort of volunteering or anything else that you enjoy doing to try to fill that void. It saddens me that the grandkids are missing out on what is such a wonderful experience but unfortunetely there's nothing any of us can do about that. I wish there was an easy answer, it takes a lot of hard work and determination. I used to always buy clothes and toys for my grand daughter and I never saw her wear anything I gave her or play with any of the toys so I stopped spending my money. I have two other children that are a true blessing. I always dreamed the day I had granchildren I would be spending a lot of time with them but that hasn't been the case with my grand daughter, I've come to accept that and I think if and when is meant to be it will happen. We shouldn't waste time worrying about things we cannot change. I wish you the best.

[Marilyn]

Glitterati,i really do need a break from the drama.

What really bothers me is,he called here,acting like he did not get my ys message.
DIL was sleeping,ys and i could of went and watched the GC play soccer.Or he could of just called to wish me Mothers day,and said he was too busy to get together.I dont know why he lies.

[1Glitterati]

Glitterati,i really do need a break from the drama.

What really bothers me is,he called here,acting like he did not get my ys message.
DIL was sleeping,ys and i could of went and watched the GC play soccer.Or he could of just called to wish me Mothers day,and said he was too busy to get together.I dont know why he lies.

I can't say why he lied.  Maybe he thought it was the easy way out.  Maybe he wanted to say no without saying no.  Maybe he didn't want to wake dil to let her know what was going on...lots and lots of maybes.

You can't control what he does, and you can't make him do anything.  Just the way it is.  Take all the wrong and all the right out of it...we can't make other people do what we want.  We may be right, we may be just, it may be the fair thing...but it isn't possible.

Since you can only control what you do...do some things you like.  I know there are things you like outside of your ods.  Do those things.  Get out and do things with your friends.  Do things with your yds.  Look around your life at the things you liked to do before everything turned to now and go back to those things.  If you didn't have those things...try to come up with something to do.

Keep yourself busy with things you enjoy.  It'll take the edge off.  No, it won't fix it, but it might make it hurt less and make you think about the situation less.

[Marilyn]

Thank you guest one,thats about what i have been trying to do.Just go with the flow.

I'm getting ready to put my home up for sale,move closer to my best friend.That way at least i will have some form of support and a lot more things to do.


Glitterati,my son already knows that he will have to call me.I had my free long distance shut off,and did away with cell phone.

[free_at_last]

Do you think it's possible he may not have gotten the message yet when he left the message for you?  I always forget to check my answering machine.  I have more than one phone in my house, but I only have one answering machine and many times I've called someone only to check my answering machine later and see I actually had a message from them before I called.  I usually use my cell phone, and I simply forget to check my land-line answering machine regularly unless I am expecting a call. 

*If* he did lie, it might be because he felt pushed to get together with you after he had already told you it was not a good time for him.  No, I don't think the message that you said ys left sounded pushy in any way, but os had already told you that he was busy and it was a bad time.  He may have thought that there was no need to re-iterate what he had already expressed to you.  I definitely would not recommend confronting him.  He *did* tell you that he was going to be busy and confronting him is only going to make him feel defensive.  I agree with Glitter that the best thing to do is put the ball in his court, acknowledge that you know he's busy and then leave it up to him to contact you when things slow down a bit for him. 

[Marilyn]

Glitterati,i do try to stay busy.I dont have money for gas to go visit friends and YS lives 400 miles away.

So,i should act like i dont know he lied?He shows no compassion for any of us,ex,ys,and myself.

I feel it might be best for me to just not try to have a relationship with him.This effects all of us,and i'm sure it also effects OS.It might just be the best thing for all of us.OS told me a couple of yrs ago,she just wants me all to her self.It might be the least stressful for all of us.

I did call the counsel,i went to 5 yrs ago,waiting for a call back.

[RedRose]

He will know,when i do not respond,what has caused this!I feel if i dont take this approached,i am putting up with being disrespected,and enabling him to continue lieing and treating me very poorly.

Mominwaiting,

This is exactly what I would do. Ignore him for a while. Treat him the way he has treated you. Maybe he will see how much he has hurt you and try to make amends.

[Marilyn]

9Red rose,thats exactly what my friends said to do.There is so much i have not wrote about,but friends know,and all of them said............i would be soooooooo done!

I really dont want to confront him,yes he already told me he was busy.

the only reason my YS called to let him know was so he would know where i was on Mothers day.

If i would not of told him,and he found out............then i would of heard she was here and didnt even try to come see the GC.



Freeatlast,we know he got the message my ex called him to wish DIL happy mothers day at 7:30am
my son told his Dad i was there.The message on my phone at home was at 9:16am Mothers day.

[1Glitterati]

Glitterati,i do try to stay busy.I dont have money for gas to go visit friends and YS lives 400 miles away.

So,i should act like i dont know he lied?He shows no compassion for any of us,ex,ys,and myself.

I feel it might be best for me to just not try to have a relationship with him.This effects all of us,and i'm sure it also effects OS.It might just be the best thing for all of us.OS told me a couple of yrs ago,she just wants me all to her self.It might be the least stressful for all of us.

I did call the counsel,i went to 5 yrs ago,waiting for a call back.

It's up to you.  If you confront him...which is up to you...be prepared for what will follow.  Most assuredly it's going to be a blow up.  Do you want that?  Really...I'm asking seriously with no sarcastic tone or chastisement.  Sometimes people do want to have the end all be all fight.  As long as you're prepared for whatever the consequences are, then bring it up.

I think Free At Last had a good point.  It may be that since he already said he was busy, that he prickled over the message.  I don't know, but it's possible.

The boys need to work out their own relationship.  Sometimes when kids grow up they aren't close anymore.  Once I had a husband and kids I had other priorities.  He wasn't a main one.  Not that I didn't like him...we were just at different places in life and I didn't have time for him or he for me.

A thought...you and everyone else in the family seem to think he has no compassion.  Maybe he just feels pulled in too many directions and wants to be left alone?  Is that a possibility?

[1Glitterati]

9Red rose,thats exactly what my friends said to do.There is so much i have not wrote about,but friends know,and all of them said............i would be soooooooo done!

I really dont want to confront him,yes he already told me he was busy.

the only reason my YS called to let him know was so he would know where i was on Mothers day.

If i would not of told him,and he found out............then i would of heard she was here and didnt even try to come see the GC.



Freeatlast,we know he got the message my ex called him to wish DIL happy mothers day at 7:30am
my son told his Dad i was there.The message on my phone at home was at 9:16am Mothers day.

If he already told you he was busy...why would he think that?

[Marilyn]

Well glitterati,i guess because after she came after me screaming that time,after Thanksgiving.And son and i was still talking after wards.That summer,"7 months later" a guy at work was getting married and going on a crusie,ask every one at work to go.This is something i always wanted to do,so 7 other employees and myself went.I felt bad because it was going to be over GC birthday,and i would not be able to drive up there for his B-day party.My OS acted very happy for me and told me not to worry about it,he kept reassuring me it was no big deal,he was to little to understand any way.He called the night before i left,and we were on the phone for 45 mins.Told me to call him when i got on ship,and to bring back T shirts and lots of pic's and wishing me a real good time.I called,no answer,got home called no answer,sent gifts,didn't acknowledge.Weeks went by,never heard a thing.My ex called and said,OS told him it was more important for me to go on cruise than be there for GC birthday ???I was Shocked.

With some of the things i have been thru,that might explain........what you said about the end,being all fight................hind sight is 20/20 and i always felt like DIL and her family was trying to set me up to pick a fight............i just ignored them,but was in a lot of pain,never did i bite!

[Marilyn]

A thought...you and everyone else in the family seem to think he has no compassion.  Maybe he just feels pulled in too many directions and wants to be left alone?  Is that a possibility?


Glitterati,that is possible..........YS gets so upset,saying DIL's family is so big all their time is spent with them.But,the way i look at it,DIL has the same amount of kids as OS,DIL has time for her Mom,Dad,and four sisters.OS only has one brother to try to fit in.They both love to fish,golf and YS just lovesplaying around with the GC.