Very sad New Years Day.

[nikncon]

Good morning WW.My DS has sent me an email this morning saying that he' s moving on.He says that he is glad that I'm happy but that he had things to get off his chest.I left his DD after 25 yrs. DH had severe emotional problems.After council ing I finally left the home .Since my DH was in a depression I moved with an older lady and rented from her for a year.I did my best to see my OS and his YB who was 18 at the time every week.My OS had moved away already and was working in his profession.My YS lived with DD.After this year I met my now DH.After my first DH committed suicide I moved in with my new spouse who helped me with my grief.H He was also very good to YS .Two years later YS also committed suicide.I was devastated.Now my family was only OS and DH.We have been together for eleven years and does everything he can to make me happy.He also is kind to OS when he visits though OS is often moody.OS has a very good heart and I love him dearly.He has been in council ing for many years but after many unsuccessful relationships is still alone.DS has so much to give.The email says that he hasn't had respect for me because I was a catalyst in his DD's passing.OS says that I have DH but he has lost DD and DB and has no one.OS says that I can call him if I want to talk about this.DS doesn't know all the emotional abuse and all the outbursts that DD put me through while I tried to keep the family together.I feel sorry for DS and only want his happiness.I don't know what to do.Should I call him and discuss this?I am a snowbird and won' t be home until April.Should I wait and talk to him face to face?Should I tell DH about this email?He will be upset since I have been worrying about DS for the 11 years that we have been together.I would appreciate your advice.Not a very good way to start the New Year.

[Pen]

Nikncon, I'm so very sorry you are dealing with this. I know you count your blessings (DH sounds like a wonderfully supportive man) and it sounds as if you do want DS to be happy. IMO you have nothing to lose by sending a short, loving, communication as long as you harbor no illusions that it will change DS's mind, something along the lines of "I love you and I understand & respect your wishes. I'm here for you whenever you choose to contact me, but I too am moving on." The door is not locked behind you. DS will deal with this as best he can, and perhaps he'll "get it" later. Best wishes & (((hugs))) to you.

[luise.volta]

Nik - I agree with Pen and my take is that all of you have done your best. I think I would respond that I didn't feel that going over our history further would  strengthen our bond. I'd agree that getting things off his chest was probably a healthy part of moving on and suggest that continued, professional counseling was the outlet that offered the most to everyone concerned, since a third party wasn't situationally or emotionally involved...and there was sinply no rewriting history. I'd tell him that I had heard him and wasn't going to reciprocate by going over my own experience. I'd try to make the point that my communication and connection with him would always remain heart to heart and I would always be there for him to share the present and future. If DS addressed only you, I probably wouldn't share it with DH. It sounds  like it was deeply personal. Some things are. Sending love...

[nikncon]

Thanks for your good advice Pen and Luise.My DS said that he didn't want me to email him but that I could call him if I want to discuss it.I  think at this moment I would just start crying.I don't want to talk badly about his DF but he doesn't know everything that I went through in twenty five years.I am 2000 miles away so a face to face is out of the question at this time.Should I honor his wishes and not email him my feelings? I don't want to upset him.DS called  me at least three times a week until now.It difficult for me especially since DH already asked if D S had called today since it's been a ritual.I am so happy and lucky to have you as friends.Please keep me in your thoughts.Happy New butYear to all those moms out there who have given all they had to their AC but it wasn't enough.

[luise.volta]

I don't know what I'd do. If he asked me not to email him...I might email him just once to say that I'm too emotional to talk on the phone and know that writing isn't way to go, either...and won't be home for several months. I think I might also tell him he would need to work it out with a third party because I was not going to defend myself by relating private data regarding my relationship with his DD. I might also tell him that I was not going to leave DH out of the loop and keep information from him, since he was aware of our prior established routine.

I seems to me there are a lot of emotional grenades in DS's approach because he is understandably immature and self-absorbed. I wouldn't tell him that but I'd put my guard up and be cautious to set boundaries. You don't necessarily need to go there. It is about his perceptions, reactions and angst. It's his process to work through without your participation except to let him know that you care and wish him well. The past can't be rewritten or explained...and while loving him deeply, you've moved on. It's called survival.

This happened to me, Nik. My eldest son decided in his teens that I was no longer his wonderful mom but actually the wicked witch of the West. In his 20s, it go worse instead of better and he went into counseling. He later asked me to go with him and I refused. It was just a gut reaction. I felt like it was open season on me, somehow. I was who I was, did my best with what I had to work with and it was his job as an adult to sort it out...not go for my throat after the fact. I didn't feel that me being put on the defensive was going to fix anything. Years later, a friend who is a professional counselor told me I had been wise beyond my years.

Just shooting from the hip, here...

[nikncon]

Well I decided to send a short email saying pretty well what you ladies suggested.I probanly wont hear from him for a while if at all.

[luise.volta]

We're in your corner, Nik! Sending love...

[Footloose]

Luise is so right, as always:)

Let HIS burden with the past belong to HIM.  We can apologize and make amends until the end of time but if they are unwilling to move on, they will stay stuck in resentment and disappointment... but we don't have to.

If I ever hear from my DS, I too will refuse to go over the past.....again.  i will continue to validate his feelings in the matter but must leave him to reconcile if he can or even wants to.  My only comment will continue to be
"so how do we move past the past and have a healthier relationship today and in the future?"

My problem lies with me and my son.  All others are collateral damage.  I will no longer accept my DIL as my son's mouthpiece.  I will thank her for the connection but keep it to chit chat.  Any discussion of our relationship or important matters will only be between me and him, if ever. 

His wife has told me to "find another shrink" because they just want to keep up with the greatest hits from their paranoid reality of harmless interactions with me and mine.  I held my tongue, almost biting it clean off! I so wanted to spit back with, "honey I've been thru 3, have you seen anyone yet?!

I am held to accepting their trespasses but mine will not be tolerated!

My dear aunt has a similar situation.  She gives her time freely and so enjoys any time with her son's children.  She babysits for them when they allow.  She asked if she could bathe the colicky one to soothe him during the day if needed.  Her DIL said, "absolutely NOT.  Bath time is MINE and I'd prefer you not to bathe him during the day so we can use that tool at night if needed."

my aunt was fine with the order even tho she did not agree with it.  My aunt is a sweet lady with lot's of child rearing experience from her own children, me and my 5 sibs, and nanny work where she raised other people's children.

Well time passes and the baby has a blow out from both ends and you guessed it, my aunt had the nerve to bathe him during the day.  She was caught when her DIL came home to find her in the act.  DIL is instantly angry and believes my aunt is doing what she wants and ignoring the rules.  My aunt was never allowed to explain why she violated the rule and the only communication from DIL was her anger and misstrust.   Was my aunt supposed to call the DIL for permission first?  Who wants to let the baby wallow in a nasty mess?  Noone, my aunt did the instinctual thing by cleaning him up and keeping him warm and as comfy as possible.  So even tho her DIL is obviously upset, she is not willing to discuss it with my aunt at the time and later vents to her Hubby.  My aunt gets a corrective call from her DS, yelling at her.  "see? THIS is why my wife does not trust you or allow much time for u with the kids.  U refuse to follow our rules....."  My aunt tries to explain but is not believed.  The mess was just her lie....according to DS/DIL perception.

Simple communication between the 2 would have nipped this fight in the bud.  Some people do not want to be direct so they let the anger fester and grow into some kind of paranoia monster.  My aunt is guilty w/o a trial and is the bad person when she is donating her time for free just to be with her grands....

Open and honest communication with respect fpr all parties.....that is the cure if both parties are willing and able.   

[Begonia]

Nik: Sending the best of wishes for you and your DS to work this out even if it means you work it out by disengaging for awhile.  Always remember you are not responsible for anybody's happiness but your own.  I have made the mistake over a lot of years (and still slip up) by thinking what I do or say or do not say will make or break the relationship I have with DS and DD.  The truth is the relationships are broken  and it is in DS and DD corner to reestablish or not.  I will continue to love both my AC but am free of being an "addictive" mom...meaning being addicted to what they think of me.  And the worst was FB, so glad to be done with that "addiction."   

My New Year's goal is to live my best life and try my best to do no harm.  But that does not mean I watch every word or when to text or when to reply....that can drive a person nutz. (When in doubt don't reach out."  ha my new motto). I am just going to be me, enough already of changing who I am and subsequently thinking that a "different" mom will be a better mom.  Nah.  I have done my parenting, now they both need to interact with me like the adults they are.  If not, well, my life is great and I am so happy to say I am not overwhelmed by guilt and questions and all that garbage that I let wreck my life for so long. 

Thanks to WWU and my own perseverance on these issues I am in a great place of my own power in 2013.  Best to all for the new year!

[Footloose]

Begonia!  Me too:)  My mom job is way over and I am having fun with what's next:)


My New Year's goal is to live my best life and try my best to do no harm.  But that does not mean I watch every word or when to text or when to reply....that can drive a person nutz. (When in doubt don't reach out."  ha my new motto). I am just going to be me, enough already of changing who I am and subsequently thinking that a "different" mom will be a better mom.  Nah.  I have done my parenting, now they both need to interact with me like the adults they are.  If not, well, my life is great and I am so happy to say I am not overwhelmed by guilt and questions and all that garbage that I let wreck my life for so long.

[Pooh]

Nik, I wanted to just say I agree with all the other ladies about not getting into the past, but I do see the positive in this too.  He didn't just write you off and tell you to go away.  Sounds like he is trying to move on and wanted you to know how he felt, but left the door open.  That's good news.

My New Year's goal was to let the past go and stop dwelling on things I couldn't change.  I can't tell you why or how, but as soon as I made that decision, there was a certain peace that came over me.

[nikncon]

My dear friends,thank you so much for the support and encouragement.And you are right.My DS has to heal.I did the best that I could.I love him and only want the best for him.I hope that someday DS will contact me like he always did but the relationship will be different.Maybe even better.You ladies are like family .My DSister  doesn't contact me anymore and I don't have any other relatives.Thanks Luise for this wonderful site and all these caring women.

[Faith]

Nikncon, it is probably best not to enter into any discussions about the past with your DS by telephone. You would find it very painful. My DD phoned me once after seeing a therapist and it was just awful.
Sending a brief email telling him you love him would be nice for your DS. Just a stray thought here, I don't know what the other ladies think. How about asking him to send you a list of the questions he is anxious to have answered? Then maybe come back and discuss them here, before seeing DS.
There maybe something you don't expect and didn't realise he was upset about. You do not have to explain or justify what happened in the past. We don't choose for awful things to happen.
Then, when you feel ready, tell him you will meet up with him when you go home, OR he can come to you. It is always easier and better to talk face to face. I have discovered from hard experience, how easily telephone conversations, emails and texts can be misinterpreted.
My mother committed suicide when I was 32. It is very hard to bear losing a parent this way.
My father was never part of my life, if he had been I would have wanted to talk to him. Not to attach blame but for reassurance he would not leave me.
Do you think your DS is desperate to know how much you love him and is feeling lost? You have been through so much and I understand how painful this new situation is for you.
I really sympathise with you dear Nikncon.

[nikncon]

Dear Faith.I think in a month if DS hasn't contacted me I will offer to answer his questions when I get home.I can't believe that he doesn't know how much that I love him.I talk to him every week.DS calls or I call him.I encourage him and help out financially which DS has never asked for.When I have extra money I love buying him gifts or letting him decide what he wants to do with the money.I send him cards of encouragement or some that say how proud of him.DS has had many relationships but none have led to the alter.A few close calls.I have been there to pick up the pieces.I am not trying to have you think that I am a saint.I suppose that I wasn't always emotionally there the last few years that I was with his DD.I had a lot on my plate too.Working full time,keeping the peace in the home for DS when he came to visit and for YS who was 18 at the time.I can't undo my mistakes but I am willing to answer some of DS's questions without further tarnishing his DF's image.Thanks for your thoughts.I think about DS all the time hoping that he is doing what he wants to feel whole.I do miss our weekly chats.

[Faith]

You know, I have been amazed over the years to come across AC's who cannot believe their parents really love them. These are people whose parents really do care. Why this is I cannot understand.
My own Oldest DD has recently cut me off yet again. She has had this issue for many years. She has been married three times, had a child by a boyfriend. They broke up because as he said, she dumped him 15 times, because she didn't trust him.
She recently dumped her latest boyfriend by text even though they had been living together for six months. They had been to visit us for dinner earlier that evening.
I told her I thought it was wrong to just dump him by text, then refuse to speak to him. She flew off the handle then, her parting shot was "shut up and commit suicide".
DD has always been a very needy person, no matter how much love and attention I gave her it was  never enough. When she was speaking to me, she frequently told me she loved me.
My point is your DS may be equally sensitive and need lots of reassurance.  I would suggest you make the first move and just call him. Say "Hi how are you, I miss you". If he wants to talk about family things from the past, just say "I cannot talk about this on the phone. We MUST do it face to face". Tell him to come and see you if he can't wait. Say you love him and look forward to his next call. That puts the ball back in his court.
By the time you get together, he may well have calmed down about the things that were bothering him.
Thinking of you Love F.