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Young Adult Children

Started by heartpain101, December 29, 2012, 09:35:24 PM

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heartpain101

How do you get over the hurt, pain, and anguish that I feel when my young adult children make no effort to have a relationship other then the ..... Obligatory times, ya know, Birthdays, Mothers day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter.    I got a no call, no show from my daughter at Christmas.  Her Birthday was beginning of December, I sent a text figuring she was working, I got a text back later that afternoon, Ya, I was hiking, gonna do dinner and movie later.  WHAT it's too much to take 5 minutes of your busy schedule to call your mother back??  This is normal " Blow" ya off stuff I have been receiving for the last 2+ yrs.   I am tired of putting my hand in the snake basket.  She has said she wants our relationship to be different, that she wants to make the effort, but I keep getting blown off, pushed beyond arms length. I don't need a huge family reunion, just a call once in a while to ask how I am.  I can tell you right now that the one thing that would make my mental health a WHOLE lot better.... effort, any effort....   I cant even get her to schedule a sit down for coffee.   Christmas was very hurtful and I don't know what to do anymore. This isn't my idea of things will be different.

Eggshelz1

Heartpain101 (great name lol)............I think you hit the nail on the head when you said YOUNG adult children..............I have a 22 and a 25 year old. Too bizzy bizzy bizzy...........always with friends. And YOUNG adult children don't like to talk on the phone much-they want to TEXT. So I got rid of my cell phone. Now if we communicate they HAVE to call me.
Of course-they frequently won't pick up when I call-but I am relentless. I have 'blown up' their phones with repeated phone calls and this is NOT good. Don't do that! It creates resentment and ends up being a 'game'. So then I tried 'anonymous' calling-that worked! But only once or twice. They catch on quickly. A couple of times I borrowed someone else's cell phone and called. That worked too! But only once or twice again. Actually-I felt bad doing that to them so I cut it out.
These YOUNG adult children are just being that-YOUNG. They are not really 'into' us older folks.
Now, if they do come around for holidays, birthdays etc-consider that a show of respect from them (at this point in their YOUNG lives lol) 
Try hard to be patient.
I have messed up so much after repairing much damage in our relationships-I am constantly trying to learn and grow.
This past week has been extremely difficult for me. I have see my YOUNG ones for a total of an hour and a half. yep. One hour and a half.
And I have saved the best for last here. My YOUNGER one last night went off on me on the phone in a HUGE way. Not ready yet to say why but she was spitting venom. Said some horrible things to me. And today, upon reflection-I see how hurt she is, yet how manipulative also-AND how much fear she has.
So what else did I do today? Told older YOUNG one about it. On the phone of course (Older YOUNG one had called me). Now, looking back on THAT conversation-I realized about 20 minutes ago I made a colossal mistake-because I told older YOUNG one NOT TO TELL HER HUSBAND. So now I need to apologize for THAT. Because that was flat-out wrong. I feel bad about it now so I hope she calls me tomorrow (she had mentioned maybe going to breakfast in the morning). I hope I haven't royally tripped up.
Well I didn't mean to get into all that Heart, but my main point is that we have to be very patient with the YOUNG ones.
And listen to all the good advice in the replies from the wise women who post here and are veterans. Just keep reading and you will hopefully see how they handle things.
I think Christmas week is the hardest time of all for not only us mothers, but for whole families.
I hope to report in a few days or so that things are getting patched up with my YOUNGER DD. And that I headed off any trouble with the older YOUNG DD.

Heart-maybe next time you text/talk to your DD you can say you want to run in the park with her? Or express safety tips? That will probably make her annoyed though lol-they think they know it all-bless 'em.

Keeping all you Wise Women here in my thoughts and prayers............stay strong or just have a good cry-or post the hurt on this awesome board.

Luisa! Thanks a million for this site. What a Christmas gift to us all.

Pen

Heartpain101, welcome to the site. You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here. As you've probably already seen, you are not alone.

Please take a moment to read the pink-highlighted items under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

A friend told me recently that her AC became more attentive and less self-centered when they reached the age of 27. I'm noticing positive changes in my DS as he approaches that magic age. I agree with Eggshelz that the more you push and "harrass" them the more they run away, like skittish colts. Backing off and letting them approach when ready has been successful for many moms here.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

heartpain101

Thank you for the warm welcome.  This pain is nothing new, and yes I am thankful for the obligatory times that they do show.  Yes your right it is respect, BUT what happen to the rest of the stuff we taught them?  I know I have to be patient. And I have for sometime now.  I have not blown her up with texts, or phone calls. The last call/text was her birthday the first part of December.  She isn't just Being the distant daughter, she has blown everyone one off.   I am the one that just takes it the most personal.  She was raised right, with standards, morals and knowing right from wrong, and most of all respect for your elders.   Everyone we know, just scratch their heads and don't understand this behavior either.  She is not doing anything bad, no drugs, or drinking, she is just cutting everyone out. Is this generation so self centered that is what they all do?

Begonia

HP: When I really think hard about it, the greatest gift an AC can give us is to stay out of trouble.  You say your DD is  "not doing anything bad, no drugs, or drinking,"  My feelings echo yours and it's only through lots of support here and posting and reading that I've come to this disengagement from my DD and DS lives.  It feels really good, believe me, not to expect all this attention or return calls.  When I demand less I expect less from my AC.  Hard lessons for loving moms to learn.  My AC are in their 40s and I am STILL learning.  Be good to yourself, it sounds as if she really loves you and does stay in contact somewhat.  For some of us that sounds heavenly because there is no contact at all.  Mostly I think your log in name says it best for all of us here: heartpain...yup, we have all been there. 

I think when you read posts here you will see that this pulling away is a common theme and a common way we moms have to learn to deal with it is to give our AC space.  Give yourself credit for bringing her up right...no drugs, no drinking, etc. and when you feel really down because she is out there living her independent life, remind yourself that she could be quite troublesome and on your doorstep every minute. There are no answers for some of this as some moms are the best in the world and the AC still behave badly.  My DS has behaved this way since he was in middle school, blowing the family off, as you put it.  We have all coddled him and forgiven him and made excuses for him (he was the youngest and the cutest and and and).  Until last May when I said, "no more."   Our whole family made it easy for him to get away with bad behavior because he could charm a cat out of a culvert.   ;D

Keep posting, and like Luise says, take what you need and leave the rest.  None of us have all the answers, but collectively we sure learn a lot from each other. 

Wishing you a lot less heart pain in 2013, we are here for you!!   
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

ImBack

What exactly is this "young adult" childs age? I have "young adult" aged cousins which *I* consider young adults 17-19. However if she is 18+ living on her own, being responsible for herself that would qualify her to be an ADULT. Someone who is capable of making decisions for herself, who she's going to call, come visit etc.

Don't scold her like a child if she's not living up to your expectations of what you thinkshe should do. It will only push her away further. I speak from experience, my Mom went down a similar path when I was in college.

luise.volta

What got me though the loss was learning that no matter how reasonable my expectations were, they were mine and no one else was responsible for meeting them. I did my best. Some of it was absorbed and some of it was rejected. Their choice. We send them on their way and they take it from there. It's no reflection on us...our job, to my way of thinking, is to get that we were whole before we became parents and we can be whole again. No one else is responsible for that...we are. We can't make sense of the senseless and whatever we focus on expands while whatever me take our attention away from contracts. All of that took yearsfor me to get. My peace and my joy and my fulfillment are up to me. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

heartpain101

Thank you all for your insights.  I knew I was in the right spot!!  I know that I need to move on regardless of what they do or don't do.  I have a F/book account to keep in touch with friends and family all over the place.  I found my self going to her FB page just to see her face, and see if she had been on.  This became an all the time thing.  Her no call, no show at Christmas did me in.  After talking with my mom, and other friends, I came to the decision to write her a letter on FB( Ya i am pretty sure she wont ever come on.... hasn't in months and has gone to the point of telling family members she doesn't have a FB account anymore, But yet there I sat writing her a letter on FB!)  I explained that I found my self causing some of my own pain, and that I love her and pray for her.  I then De-friended her.  I have enough pictures and reminders around my home. Her room ( what she left) was boxed up 2 years ago, and now is a catchall for stuff!!  LOL   I know this decision was for me.  This action does not change my mind from thinking about her, but at least I don't have her face right in mine..... and tearing my self apart even more.   My feelings are still raw about this.  But I will prevail. And I know that moving forward is gonna start here...  Thank you for your support, and thoughtfulness.  I am so glad I found this place. As it saddens me that I am not the only one that is, has and may always be going thru what I have been, BUT I am happy that I have found people who totally feel my hurt, pain, and disappointment, and hold me up to help me thru.   ;) 

luise.volta

You're making progress! We're here for you and we know you're here for us. :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Begonia

HP:  Defriending on FB is a HUGE step, congrats to you!  I deleted my FB account over a year ago because it was horrible to see my AC communicating with others and not with me.  Now I could give a rip what any of that gossip on FB is all about, and it was a huge time waster besides.  Now MY DD and DSis send me an email or text with photos.  That means SO much more. 

Keep on keeping on, I can hear the strength in your post~~!!
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

biba

Quote from: heartpain101 on December 30, 2012, 03:24:22 PM
Thank you all for your insights.  I knew I was in the right spot!!  I know that I need to move on regardless of what they do or don't do.  I have a F/book account to keep in touch with friends and family all over the place.  I found my self going to her FB page just to see her face, and see if she had been on.  This became an all the time thing.  Her no call, no show at Christmas did me in.  After talking with my mom, and other friends, I came to the decision to write her a letter on FB( Ya i am pretty sure she wont ever come on.... hasn't in months and has gone to the point of telling family members she doesn't have a FB account anymore, But yet there I sat writing her a letter on FB!)  I explained that I found my self causing some of my own pain, and that I love her and pray for her.  I then De-friended her.  I have enough pictures and reminders around my home. Her room ( what she left) was boxed up 2 years ago, and now is a catchall for stuff!!  LOL   I know this decision was for me.  This action does not change my mind from thinking about her, but at least I don't have her face right in mine..... and tearing my self apart even more.   My feelings are still raw about this.  But I will prevail. And I know that moving forward is gonna start here...  Thank you for your support, and thoughtfulness.  I am so glad I found this place. As it saddens me that I am not the only one that is, has and may always be going thru what I have been, BUT I am happy that I have found people who totally feel my hurt, pain, and disappointment, and hold me up to help me thru.   ;)

heartpain101

Luise, Begona,   Yes I know this is helping, thanks for the positive reinforcements.     I realize that De-friending my DD on FB was a huge step.  I am still torn about my feelings on this.  One part of me wants her to open the letter on FB. so that she can maybe understand how hard this is on me.  On the other hand, why do I want her to trip on all the rope I have thrown to her all these years??   How can my feelings to this be so 2 sided?  I know this is all a process, and I am just learning how to walk in this new world.  Thank you for your support.

Biba....  I am not sure what your post was, it looks like you just copied what I wrote last...  Re-post please?

Thank you again for such an amazing safe place to deal with all that we as moms do. 

luise.volta

Most of the time, it seems to me, we are conflicted about such decisions. There are up sides to them and down sides. Mostly we don't want people and circumstances to be the way they are. We know whatever we do is probably not going to alter any of it. In my case, healing started when I accepted all of it without condoning any of it...and faced the bitter truth that DS didn't care one way or the other. It was then that I turned toward what I could do for myself...knowing I deserved the best no matter what anyone else said or did. I'm not programmed to be a victim. No matter what happens to me...I have a joyful heart.  :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

herbalescapes

HP, have you considered that you and DD have a communication-style difference that is making things seem worse?  In your OP, you said you texted her to wish her a happy bday, then you got upset that she texted you back instead of calling.  Well, if it was ok for you to text instead of call, why isn't it ok for her to text instead of call?  Maybe she's complaining to her friends that you did a no-show/no-call on her for Christmas.  There's no law saying who has to call/visit - the parent or the AC.  What you call her blowing you off may simply be her way of being an independent adult.  It's hard to view ourselves objectively and we often think our kids are a lot like us (they've got our dna and we raised them after all), but sometimes parents and children have very different temperaments.  Maybe contact more than the "obligatory times" seems like having to "check in with mom." 

What is your DD supposed to think if she finds out about the FB letter and that you knew she had cancelled her FB account before you wrote it?  If I were in her shoes, I'd think you were somehow playing the martyr, trying to appear that your making all this effort (writing a letter) when in reality you are setting her up for failure (sending it to a dead account). 

I'm more on the introvert side of the introvert-extrovert scale.  I don't feel the need to call/text/email on a weekly or even monthly basis. It's not that I'm rejecting my relatives, just that's my temperament.  I figure if they want more frequent contact, they need to initiate it, or else be satisfied with what I give.  It's been a while since I've mentioned this, but I suggest reading the works of Deborah Tannen.  She's written a dozen or more books on communication styles and how we jump to moral judgements when someone communicates differently than we do. 

You could be right and your DD is blowing you off.  If that's the case, I wish you luck in getting past the hurdles.  Seems like you're taking some very positive steps.  Some AC view their parents keeping their childhood bedrooms intact as a sign that the parents still consider them children, so maybe packing up her old room will be a relief to her. 

Pen

You never know how your actions will be perceived. My DS was a little hurt that we didn't keep his bedroom as a shrine; I turned it into my office quite soon after we knew he'd moved out for good, lol!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb