September 22, 2023, 09:26:45 PM


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Started by themuffin, March 30, 2016, 09:11:01 AM

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Hello Wise Women!

I come back to visit every now and then.  Truth be told the DIL that caused me to find this site is now the daughter of my heart.  She gives me cards and long text messages expressing her love for me and my husband and how lucky her daughter is to have us as grandparents.  She doesn't say it everyday, just when it's last night.

I became a grandma for the fourth time over the weekend.  My first grandson.  He may have been born on Easter of the Saturday before and maybe a few days before that.  We don't know.  Not even my son, his dad.  They are no longer together, but had been communicating.  She and I had also been communicating and she promised to keep me update about the pending birth.  All was well between us.  We had a falling out last summer but it was water under the bridge and she was over a couple of weeks ago to see the gifts I'd gotten for the baby. She seemed pleased and grateful. 

So why did we find out he was born via a facebook post?  I kept asking son if he'd heard anything.  My last text to her went unanswered but that's not uncommon for her.  Sunday morning as I'm preparing Easter dinner for my family and guest he comes down and tells me that my grandson was born.  I asked when.  He said she posted his picture on facebook seven hours ago.  She did not contact us at all.  My son was hurt, but masked it with anger.  He must have texted her because shortly after he was blocked from her page.

I texted her congratulations.  I asked her his name, weight and height and told him that he looked just like his dad and it brought back memories.  She responded pleasantly.  I didn't think she had an issue with me and just assumed her problem was with my son.  I asked if she could please tell me his birthday and never received a reply.  I went to view his picture on her page again and discovered that I was now blocked!

My son has said he doesn't have a son.  I been able to view other pictures on her page and I sent one to son.  He asked me to please not send anymore.  I have not attempted to contact her since Sunday.  I did text her that she would have to explain this to the baby someday and that we loved him.  Well, that was Sunday and Son nor I have heard a thing.

I've started a diary for him.  I hope this blows over and maybe someday we can have a relationship with him.  But truth be told I'm furious that she would use the baby as a pawn to hurt my son.  I look at his pictures repeatedly. My arms long to hold him.  I haven't seen his eyes, his tiny fingers or toes.  How can anyone be so heartless?

Thanks. I just needed to share.

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Green Thumb

Oh, Muffin, this is so sad! Your heartbreak is natural as is son's anger. Anger is often a masking emotion they say. While it sounds very cruel of the baby's mother, we really don't know what the other side of the story is, we can only wonder and speculation just keeps it fresh in our hurt. I would say back off for now, put the photo away in a drawer and stop thinking about it. Let some time go by. We can't make someone be nice, be loving, or whatever. We can be loving and nice to them -- just hold to boundaries so that we are not abused or used. This new mother sounds like she wants to be in control and you can't fix this or change her. But do not let her know she has upset you because then she feels triumph in her control. If her goal is to hurt you or your son, she knows she has done so. Don't text her and if she texts you, take several hours to respond and respond politely and with few words. We can only control our reaction and thinking but that alone will change the dynamics. It would help your son if you could talk feelings with him, his feelings and just listen. Let him express his anger and sorrow so that he doesn't bottle it up or squash it down or drown it with alcohol. Sending you a big hug!


I don't even know how to thank you Green Thumb...You've no idea how much this tied me up in knots.  I was so torn with wondering how I should handle the situation should she contact us.  Your words were so full of wisdom and gave me so much comfort.  I now know how to handle the situation.  Thank you so much!

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Green Thumb

I know I tend to think the worst will happen or make everything a catastrophe. Imagining the worst will happen or what to do if the worst happens just ties us up in emotional knots. I am not working hard not to do this. Not planning out what I will say if blank happens or whatever. (I do plan out what to say in real situations where I have to talk to someone about a hard topic but this is different from imagining situations.) You might also write down your thoughts and put it in a drawer so you can let it go. I have to make myself get busy doing other things. I do think your focus now should be on yoru son's emotional health and his coping. Imagine how sad and hard this is for him. BTW, my state forces mothers to allow partial custody or visitation if they go after child support or even if dad goes to court to get partial custody and visitation (even with young babies/children). You might want to take your son to a family law attorney so he knows his rights. If you like to color, try one of those new adult coloring books -- seriously -- it is very relaxing and your mind stops racing.


Hi, Muffin. I'm so sorry that what should be a joyous time for you has been turned into something sad and confusing. I hope things turn around. In the meantime, do take care of yourself. So glad you are here. GT has given you great suggestions.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Good Morning Wise Women,

Sorry for the late response to your much needed supported and wise words.  Green Thumb, your words have helped me enormously.  I am trying very hard not to harbor resentment for her actions.  I don't know if she truly understands what she's doing.  She already has a daughter that has absolutely no contact with her paternal family because the father has denied her from day one.  She's young now and maybe not as affected by it as she grows older.  I hope that she'll remain happy and well adjusted despite her father's rejection. But it is clear that she wants a dad because in the short time that my son and her mother were together she called him dad.

I think of him often throughout the day and I am keeping a little diary about my feelings.  It helps a lot.  My son took off work last Friday and went over in an attempt to see his son.  He was not even allowed to see him and told that in order to do so "there are rules".  I asked him what they were but he said he didn't know and didn't care.  We haven't talked about it since.  I told him that he didn't have to abide by her rules that there were family courts and he has parental rights.  He brushed it off and we haven't discussed the baby since.  He doesn't like to talk about it.

Son has another 2 other daughters from a previous relationship.  One biological, one a daughter of the heart since the day she was born.  They spend every weekend with us .  They are three and four and ADORABLE!!!  We also have another 3 year old granddaughter from oldest son and she often comes by to visit on the weekend as well.  So we had no end of happy distractions.  However, he presence is still sorely missed.

Hi Pen!  Thanks for the welcome!  It's nice to be able to come here and feel like you've come home to friends.  This website helped me to continue to function and taught me to cope when I was having issues with oldest DS.  He's in the living room right now with our granddaughter. I'm off today and watching her when he goes to work later.  I am hopeful that time will help this situation as well.

Thanks Wise Women...I truly appreciate you.

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Sorry to hear all of this.  I do understand.  I still have the 1 granddaughter that we had the same situation going, that we fought in court for 15 months before finally getting visitation.  Then, once YS went into the military, she took the opportunity to move, change phone numbers, etc. and we have lost contact.  Now that YS is out of the military (6 years later), he is in the process of getting ready to try and find her again to get her back in court.  Then I have the OS that hasn't spoken to me in 3 years.  He now has two daughters I've never met.

I have pictures of all three of the granddaughters and I have them framed in my house.  At first, it hurt every time to look at them.  Now, it brings a smile to my face.  Why?  Well because two of them look exactly like me!  So although I still wish it was different, a part of me knows that a small piece of me will live on in them and I can't help but smile thinking about it.  So give yourself some time.

I also have 3 other grandchildren from YS that are my pride and joys.  Now...that being said...they are wearing me out!  They are 3, 2 and 1...two boys, baby is a girl.  I need major naps after having them for the weekend.  I haven't been around lately, partly because of them, and partly because of a new business venture which I am enjoying immensely.  I still work full-time, put 4-5 hours a night into this new business and run like crazy on the weekends chasing after 3 mobile munchkins.  I'm exhausted but a couple of things have come out of it.

1.  I truly have lost all focus on the OS and those issues.  I don't have time to worry about him at all any more.  It's left me with a major sense of peace on that situation. 

2.  I have truly learned to cherish those that do want me in their life and focus my attention and love on them.  And guess what?  Life is just fine without the others. 

So I know how bad it hurts, but give it some time, and truly focus on those other grand babies and things for yourself.  Your Son is going to have to figure out what he wants to do on his own.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


What great news, Pooh!  You've really filled your life with new purpose and adventures.  Thanks for updating us on the new business and activity with the GC!  Bet you're exhausted when your head hits the pillow every night!


Pooh, you are a dynamo  ;D ;D ;D Thanks for the updates!

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb