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Stuck in neutral

Started by Monroe, December 24, 2012, 09:14:42 AM

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Faith

Hi Monroe,
I don't think it is necessary to actually care about DIL, you cannot suddenly care for somebody overnight. A relationship needs time to grow and your DIL needs to show by her actions that she has changed.
In time you may find you warm to her after all.

Monroe

Quote from: Pen on January 16, 2013, 07:16:25 PM
I can't completely warm up to her or trust her, but for my DS's sake & the sake of our relationship I am polite, welcoming and accepting. However, I no longer share my deepest thoughts or memories of raising DS & DD, etc. I don't mention my friends, my interests, my hopes & dreams. I keep it in the moment & very shallow.
. . . .
I want to maintain a relationship w/DS, so it's OK for now.

Pen - you and I are following the same script.  I have gone from civil to cordial, just to please my DS, and to protect myself from any possible criticism.  I also refrain from mentioning my friends, my interests, etc.  Consequently I feel very robotic in the relationship.  Stepford MIL, anyone?

Pooh - thank you for your comments.  I have to admit, I feel the same way. 

Faith - thank you for the acknowledgement that it is not necessary to actually care about DIL.  The validation helps.

Thank you all.  Again, I know that many MILs have much worse situations with which to deal than I do.  My DIL is a responsible, educated woman who appears to care deeply about my son - he seems to accept her as she is (possessive and all) - and that is his choice to make.  I remain thankful I do not have to deal with issues such as drugs, alcoholism, abuse, etc.  I just miss the connection I used to have to my son - and can't help wishing his choice of a wife would have warmed to his family.   

Pooh

Stepford MIL...ba ha ha  :P
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

Monroe, beautifully put. Your last paragraph said it all for me.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Monroe


stilltrying2010

I am a DIL who has never got along with my DHs family.  I was feeling that I had finally come to accept the situation, no longer trying to change it or getting angry about the disparities.  I have been trying to find a possible connection back to my DHs family, for our children and to rectify my past mistakes, to let it go. 
After reading this I am not sure if it is worth trying to proceed... a lot of very good thoughts written here.  Just wondering if there is ever a point to try and connect or if its just better to maintain the status quo.  I realize that our situations arent exactly the same...  it just sucks if this is all there will ever be.     

luise.volta

S - I don't think there is any right way. We are all in different circumstances and often it is still worth a try. That's said, what many of us here have had to learn is when to stop trying. It's really hard to know where to draw the line. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Faith

Quote from: Monroe on December 26, 2012, 07:21:45 AM
Thanks, Didi..  I think you're right on the money.  Now I just have to truly look past her youthful immaturity and find value in her.  I'll start with the fact she appears to make my son happy. 

You are right Monroe. I am sure this will make your DS very happy.

I think you should be yourself, no need to wear beige. You should be able to wear purple if you want to. DIL should accept you as you are. DS is keen for things to be warmer between you.

Maybe a wait and see approach will work. Let her show you she has matured and is willing to make friends.

As I said before, you don't have to like her, but you can start afresh and form your opinions on what is before you now. Nor do you need to pretend.

It is important for you to feel comfortable in your own home. As you love your DS and he loves you, he will want to see you being your normal self.

I do hope everything works out well for you.

Love Faith xxx

Pooh

Quote from: stilltrying2010 on January 17, 2013, 04:43:55 PM
I am a DIL who has never got along with my DHs family.  I was feeling that I had finally come to accept the situation, no longer trying to change it or getting angry about the disparities.  I have been trying to find a possible connection back to my DHs family, for our children and to rectify my past mistakes, to let it go. 
After reading this I am not sure if it is worth trying to proceed... a lot of very good thoughts written here.  Just wondering if there is ever a point to try and connect or if its just better to maintain the status quo.  I realize that our situations arent exactly the same...  it just sucks if this is all there will ever be.   

I also think they we have to make decisions for ourselves, even if they turn out badly.  It's probably a selfish thing, but I think that anything that makes you feel better as a person, wife, Mother, etc., is worth trying.  It's only when I have made attempts and tried for awhile that I can throw in the towel and honestly say I did my best.  My best may not be enough, but it's what I have.  I have to live with myself, they have to do the same.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

I'm dealing with this in my own family. My DF & his wife are all about her AC & GC. My sib & I have never been considered part of the family. I've finally accepted this. I will still go to visit my aging dad, but I have no illusions that we are any more than acquaintances.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Monroe

Quote from: stilltrying2010 on January 17, 2013, 04:43:55 PM
I am a DIL who has never got along with my DHs family.  I was feeling that I had finally come to accept the situation, no longer trying to change it or getting angry about the disparities.  I have been trying to find a possible connection back to my DHs family, for our children and to rectify my past mistakes, to let it go. 
After reading this I am not sure if it is worth trying to proceed... a lot of very good thoughts written here.  Just wondering if there is ever a point to try and connect or if its just better to maintain the status quo.  I realize that our situations arent exactly the same...  it just sucks if this is all there will ever be.     

Still Trying -- I was about to reply that if you feel you have made past mistakes, by all means try to make amends and patch things up with your ILs.  But then I decided to read your old posts first.  After reading your story, it sounds to me like you came into the relationship open and trying, and that they never gave you a chance.  (That's about the same position Pen and I are in.)  Not to get into a finger-pointing game, but it sounds like they are the ones who set the tone, they rebuffed you at every turn.  Probably any "mistakes" you made were only in reaction to their unfair, unkind treatment of you.  (And yes, I would be mighty mad if my ILs had showed favoritism to the other GKs and criticized my children - I would have blown my top.)  You're only human.  Give yourself a break. 

If they show no signs of change, if they are not trying to make amends, I would not hesitate to distance myself and have no relationship with them.  And I would do it guilt-free.  The only reason I am having to try to make an effort again is that DIL, after almost a decade of pushing us away, has decided to try to cozy up.  So I have to try, or alienate my son.   

Your MIL and FIL haven't changed their ways.  Don't beat yourself up.   

stilltrying2010

Thanks Monroe  ;). I haven't reached out but I think I have FINALLY let go of the anger, hurt, and expectations...  I can't change them.  Several close friends who are aware of my duration have even commented on the difference I. Me, the absence of fury, lol.  Who knows what the future holds, baby steps, right?! 

luise.volta

It sounds to me like you are moving out of being stuck and by changing yourself. Congratulations. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

One small baby step for stilltrying....one giant step for peace! :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell