Would love some MIL advice

[Monroe]

Sunshine - And I'm thinking not just any old doctor.  I think she needs to see a geriatric specialist - and that your husband needs to have a conversation with the doctor's office AHEAD of the visit - so they can check out more than just the ailment of the day.  Maybe her general practitioner knows what tests to run - or he/she might refer you/her to someone else

I don't know what tests they do, I just know that I was in a similar situation with my mother.  The loving woman I had known for decades had turned angry and hostile towards the world - but towards me in particular.  I couldn't talk with her - she was unreasonable to the extreme.  Unfortunately since everyone else in my family defines dementia solely as losing memory  (they don't realize that the hostility and personality change are also symptoms) - I was unable to garner family support for a full check-up with a geriatric specialist.  But the outside experts I talked with recommended such. 

But I would get your husband involved - have him have a very candid conversation with the doctor's office about the personality change (sign of dementia) that has happened - so they have a heads-up to address the bigger picture - not just the injured hand or whatever minor physical injury happens next. 

Best wishes - I have walked a mile in your shoes.  And my feet hurt!   

[JaneF]

Welcome!  Sorry you had the need for a group such as ours, but there are wonderful, wise ladies here who have great advice.  I am not a doctor, or a nurse.  I am only speaking of my personal experience with these changes in behavior etc.  My mother in law has always been a bit strange from my husbands point of view  , but several years ago she began behaving much like you describe (such as doctors and secrecy etc).  She got paranoid and honestly, just nasty!  Especially to me.  I was shocked because I was the one who helped her since we were closest.  Doctors appointments, medical tests, taking care of her after surgery etc.  We found out there is a diagnosis of dementia, although she denies this still.  I don't know about your mother in law, but I am hoping she can see a geriatric specialist and get a good check up.  If she is aware she might have an issue though she will possibly refuse...been there, done that.  If she does go to one, she may deny any news she does not want to accept.  I have seen that with a friends mother in law.  If there is nothing wrong and she is just being not nice, if you will, that is another issue all together!  Hope you can figure out the problem.  J

[luise.volta]

S - I've been following your thread and the wonderful feed back here. I'm 85 and my peers range from 75 to 95. I've seen a great deal of what you are describing and it seems to me that the most lethal stumbling block is the Senior's resistance to and blocking of any input from her concerned and caring Adult Children.

We were once in charge. Our identity is wrapped up in knowing what needs to be done for our kids and doing it. Many of us carry that responsibility into our aging process...still seeing our adult children as "big kids" and in need of our counsel. If and when it dawns on some of us that they are fine and can take really good care of themselves...the farthest many of us are able to evolve is to see them as equals. Often, we still secretly hold the deep belief that we know best. How could we not?

The concept that our AC are concerned about us, can see something that we aren't aware of and should be "permitted" to act in our best interest is untenable. The underlying reaction is shock and then terror. Behind that is often rage. It's like being demoted from wise and all-knowing to dependent and inconsequential. It doesn't feel like love. It feels patronizing and highly dangerous to our very existence. None of this is true, of course. However, there is eventually, if we live long enough a shift in the balance of power and in the authority between us and we are never ready for it. No matter how well meant and subtle, it looks like the beginning of the end to us. For an example: I just gave up driving and sold my car when I saw my driving skills deteriorating. I honestly have no idea how long I would have stayed on the road, a threat to man and beast, if my son had suggested I needed to hang up my keys.

The only solution I have seen work in situations like you are facing is for the AC to work through a close peer of the parent who is in acute need of guidance. If a capable peer can be enlisted to approach your MIL with compassion and is diplomatic enough to be able to discuss her symptoms with her, she may be able to help her seek diagnosis and care. Your MIL is part of a large population of Seniors who are not yet "legally incompetent" but who are no longer able to consistently act in their own best interest. Left to their own devices, they can wreck havoc in their own lives by means of self-neglect (denial) and in the lives of those who love them most. In this instance, changes in personality and perception probably look like they are externally caused and she would be just fine..."if." My heart goes out to you all.

[JaneF]

Luise...well said!   You are indeed a wise woman.  That post was so awesome, and it gave me food for thought.  Thanks!  Happy Holidays to you.  J

[luise.volta]

You're welcome. Sending love...

[sunshine]

Luise,
Thank you so much. I hope what you wrote helps other readers understand why I don't just throw my hands up and walk away. Why I don't barge into my MIL's home and demand she see a doctor, or "get help," or something similar. She is going through something very terrible. Yes, it hard for us, but for her, everything is difficult. "We" are difficult, finding things, doing things, living the way she is used to, that is all diminishing for her.
You really opened my eyes explaining the role reversal. I never thought about that. We think, "We care about you and are worried about this," and my MIL may be thinking, "You are telling me what to do and I am the parent here."
I need to share that with my husband and he needs to tread softly.

[luise.volta]

S - You're welcome. I am on the threshold of 86 and may view it differently than most. I am currently writing a piece  on experiencing my own diminishing driving skills and taking myself off the road while, at the same time, watching my memory issues increase and noting how that impacts my life (and thus the lives of others.) So far, I'm still a happy camper...

[sunshine]

Thank you to everyone else who replied!
To reply to a few specific things, my MIL does not have a GP, or a doctor, at all. When she moved here and needed a dentist, she wouldn't see one here in her new town. She traveled to her old town and stayed for two days, in a hotel, to see her old dentist. We tried to refer her to several dentists in our area. We know them well. It was her choice, we didn't push it, but her decline has been so rapid, I doubt she can make a trip like that again. My MIL agreed that she probably won't see her dentist again and hopes she never needs dental care. So she won't get a cleaning or a check-up.
In her old town, she went to an urgent care if she was very sick. She never saw the same doctor. There just isn't anyone to call here yet, she doesn't have a GP or any other kind of doctor.
I will keep all of your advice in mind, and I do feel better knowing that at some point we can take action to help her, but sad it is going to take another fall or an illness. I'm not going to take her behavior towards me personally, just give her space and let my husband try to help her. Maybe at some point it will stop. Right now I can't be around her like I want to be, just be a family.

[Pen]

Sunshine, my heart goes out to you, your DH, and your MIL. Caregiving, especially when the person needing care is resistant, is really hard. I have an "intellectually disabled" adult daughter who keeps us on our toes, even more so at the holidays. I love her dearly, but sometimes I don't want to be around her when her behavior is flaring up. It's hard to think about my sweet little baby girl being an adult with her own rough road to travel, but that's the truth - I can't "walk that lonesome valley" for her; all I can do is advocate when I can & offer succor along the way if she chooses to accept it (I finally understand this after almost 30 years!) Your MIL's journey is her own as well. Obviously you & your DH will make sure she's comfortable, as I do with my DDD. Take care!

[luise.volta]

P - I think about that, walking one's path alone, when I visit my 101 year old DH in our campus nursing facility. I can be there even though he no longer knows me but it is his final journey. Thank you for reminding me that I am on my own...and...can perhaps learn something that will help me when I head farther down that trail. Sending love...