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Adult daughter estranged for over 12 years.

Started by gracie53, October 01, 2012, 09:20:48 PM

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gracie53

What do you do when your daughter  hates you and wants nothing to do with you? I have respected her wishes. I guess that is all I can do. I felt bad today because I did not remember her birthday two days ago. But what difference would it have made if I had. She has not wanted anything to do with me for many years.

The latest thing was that she did not want me invited to her wedding a year ago. I heard about her getting married from my brother who was at a family get together of some kind where her wedding came up. I divorced her father when she was four and he got custody.  I was an alcoholic but functional during those years of marriage but I did some awful things that I deeply regret. I sobered up in 1991 in AA a year after the divorce. I tried to talk to her and make amends as I did the rest of my family but no one wanted to talk about it or hear it.

From age four to age 13 I did see her on weekends and summers and it was ok until I invited a mentally, emotionally and physically battered girl into my home to care for her. She rejected this girl and I guess was jealous I don't know but my ex husband made it clear at that time that I needed to choose between my daughter and this girl I was helping.  I am still caring for this person today and she has become like my adopted daughter. She is unable to care for herself.

A few years ago I went to my son's church (he was the pastor) to see him and my daughter. But she ignored me at the church and would not make eye contact. It was very strange. I thought maybe she was molested or something by a boyfriend of mine (who was around when she was small after the divorce) and I once asked her about if anything had happened but she was highly offended I would suggest such a thing so I felt foolish for asking.

I know this is a lot of information and it is maybe odd and confusing. I feel odd and confused about this myself. I do have to say that alanon and Aa over the years has helped me accept that I don't have control over others. I think for the most part I fear more rejection from her so I don't try to commmunicate. If anyone has any thoughts I would appreciate it. I found this site tonite by looking up the topic "my daughter did not invite me to her wedding" and I got so much help from another posting that I could so relate to. I bookmarked that post so I can come back to it.  Anyway, thank you for reading this.

elsieshaye

Hi, Gracie - welcome to the site.  Please take a moment to read the highlighted posts in "Open Me First".  We ask everyone to read them to get a feel for the site.

I think all you can do at this point is focus on your life and health and continue to move forward.  I definitely understand the fear of rejection aspect - I go through it with my son.  I have stepped way back and have only the barest minimum of contact with him.  He is not part of my daily life.  Doesn't mean I don't love him and think about him, but I've had to focus on building my own life.  Sounds like you are also working on yours, and I think everyone here understands that things just hurt sometimes. 
This too shall pass.  All is well.

gracie53

thank you elsie for responding to my post. I have gone on with my life as you say and you are right it hurts sometimes but it is what it is. gracie

Pen

Welcome Gracie53, it won't always be easy but it will get easier as you work it. Have some strategies in place for those tough days. Keep reading & posting, the support here is wonderful. We're all about moving forward, and it sounds as if you are too.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Doe

Gracie-

Do I have this right - you chose your adopted daughter over your daughter?  So you rejected her, right?  You must have a reason for doing that and maintaining the relationship with your adopted daughter all these years rather than your daughter.

Maybe if you just owned that decision - practice, "Yes, my daughter rejects me but I knew that was a possibility when I rejected her."  It might help you accept the reality of the situation and then move forward from it.

If I have this wrong, I apologize and you can ignore this.

Pooh

I think I am reading that Doe, that in a way she did.  That real daughter didn't like this teenager she took in and her Ex, who had custody of daughter, told her to pick between them?

Welcome Grace.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Keys Girl

Welcome Grace, if your daughter doesn't want to have anything to do with you (as is the case with my son), I don't think there is anything you can or should do.  If you respect their wishes and move forward, there isn't much else to do.  If there is resentment because you cared for someone else and there was jealousy (whether or not the other person could care for herself) I don't think there is anything you can do about what is inside other people's heads.  Grudges and resentments can be encouraged by a hostile ex and I hope there is a special place in hell for those people.

Everyone has done things that they regret, and eventually the people who don't want anything to do with their parents (faults and all) will have some regrets of their own some day.  Nobody can take back the past and rewrite it, we all only have today to deal with.  I don't know if the day will come when your daughter or my son are interested in getting in touch again, but no matter what, the stars still shine, the moon will still come up and the sun will still shine, 3 things that I'll enjoy whether or not my son ever wants to see me again.

A long time ago a very wise women told me to never look back, to always do my best every single day and then shut the door on the past.  It's hard to do that sometimes but I think the advice was very wise.

Congratulations on getting sober and staying sober for such a long time.  That's a real accomplishment.

Welcome to the neighbourhood,

KG




"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

herbalescapes

It sounds like when your DD was 13, she got into a snit because you gained another daughter for intents and purposes and unfortunately her dad supported her in that snit.  Seems to be ongoing.  Has your daughter ever gone to Alanon?  she might benefit, though I don't see how you can make that suggestion in the current situation.  All you can do is own your own behavior.  How would you have felt if you kicked your "adopted daughter" to the curb because your DD was jealous?  I would think pretty horrible. 

It may be that adopted daughter is a scapegoat for other things that went wrong in your relationship with her.  Can you find a counselor to help you go over the past and see if you are missing other events that lead to this estrangement?  You may have a situation similar to one often found on the DIL/SIL thread: An AS is estranged from his family so his FOO (and him, often) blame the DIL when really the AS and his FOO were dysfuntional all on their own.

Good luck.

gracie53

October 07, 2012, 09:48:34 PM #8 Last Edit: October 08, 2012, 10:20:29 AM by luise.volta
I thought about this the first of the week. (This is  Gracie). I do believe most of you ladies have nailed it on the head. My ex- husband encouraged this. My biological daughter was jealous and the other issues from the past I guess got lumped into my helping this girl so she was rejected by my entire family not just by my daughter. It was very sad too as  this girl's life depended on me at the time and I could not "send her back" or reverse my decision and never considered that. They missed a huge blessing by not becoming even a little involved in her life.

She was thirteen at the time( my daughter) and I know she had hurts from the past that needed to be addressed but when this happened that door was closed.
By helping this girl I did not reject my daughter at all. I admit with the stirring of the pot of my ex and others it might have gotten in her mind to be that way. I agree my adopted daughter is a scapegoat in the FOO.

I took DD to alanon when she was nine. She used to sit in meetings. She  really could use it- I agree. So could the whole family. But in their minds it's about me and what I did.....and on it goes. I do think it may have started out as a "snit" and grew with the help of others into a full blown estrangement with the rest of the foo on her "side".
I am very grateful to have a place to talk about this. It does help to clarify and get some of my thoughts validated. Thank you all.

Pooh

I think one of the common trends we see here on the many posts where a parent admits that they were not the best parent in the world, at one time, is that the child or AC has to come to terms with the past just as the poster has.  Are their feelings or hurts legitimate?  Absolutely, but once a person gets a grip on their life and turns it around, all you can do is apologize, validate they do have legitimate gripes and hope that in time, they will forgive.  You can't make them but you don't have to live your life stuck in the past.

My Mom and real Dad had a terrible marriage.  He was an alcoholic and did some awful things to her and my brother.  Nothing physical, but major mental.  Later in life, he sobered up and changed into a decent person.  It was up to me to decide if I could get past it when I finally met him at age 25.  I made the decision that people make mistakes and if they own up to them, deserve a second chance.  My brother (who is 10 years older than me) will not forgive him and doesn't want to.  I wish he would simply because I have watched him for years be bitter and angry over it.  I wish he would do it for himself, not our real Dad.  I think he has wasted many years of his life being mad.  But that is his choice to make, not mine.  I didn't want to live with that hanging around.

You can't make her forgive you gracie.  She has to be willing to want to and that is something you will never be able to control.  It is all on her to decide.  You can move on in your life and hope that someday she does, but you can't dwell on it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

MFL

Hello Gracie... I am new to this site too and I am encouraged by what I am reading.  My situation is very similar to yours, with the exception of having an "adopted" daughter. 

My heart sank when I saw that you had no contact with DD for 12 years.  My "no contact" has been very recent and I go in and out of crying most of the time.  Now, I must also face the fact that I too, may not have contact with my DD for a long period of time.  This site has been a comfort to me, as when I feel like I am spinning out of control, I read how other women have dealt with the same issues I am dealing with.  My only hope is, that I cry myself out soon and start to gain some strength....