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Honor your Mother and Father

Started by Smilesback@u, December 14, 2012, 06:04:50 PM

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Smilesback@u

Hi all, I joined a year or so ago and have been on a journey of healing.  I thought my issues were with my sons and how they disrespected me.  I just spent a week with facetime with my ms, after having been on the phone with other two sons as well as discussing with dh the family dynamics.  Turns out, that this is much more about me, and my issues and how I deal with them.  I am not grieving the losses anymore of what I perceived was going on.  I don't feel mistreated actually.  What I do feel is responsible for my own feelings and actions.  I think life is tough.  I think about where I am coming from...my upbringing, my choices and the consequences on me.  I totally get that I have to respect myself and develop appropriate behaviors to honor me, as a Mom, as a daughter, as a mother in law, as a wife, as an ex-wife, as an aunt, as a sister, as a friend.  I guess I am just not running away anymore from my feelings, from my pain, and actually am taking on caring about myself, nurturing me, and avoiding putting myself in harm's way.  I have choices and do not have to be driven by past family patterns of relating.  I have hope, I have faith and I have love.  It might be necessary for me to realize that my sons are doing the best they can.  I have used tough love on them, and sometimes, it is not the tough part they need so much.  So, sending this out to you all to acknowledge that we are each on our journey to get through this life with care, compassion, and integrity.  It is a tough life.  (With recent news events, I count my blessings).  Hugs and may the peace that passes all understanding be with each and every one of us tonight and available to us always in our hearts.   

Pen

Smiles, this is the most empowering post you've ever submitted. I am in awe at the work you've done emotionally & physically. Thank you for sharing this, it's very powerful stuff. Hugs back to you!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Watching you unfold like a lovely flower is deeply inspiring, Smiles. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Smilesback@u

Of course, I just want to cry after reading your posts.   :'(

Smilesback@u

What I have been doing is debating with myself mostly.  Should I give financial help to my ms.  So I got a huge boot from my dad to do something.  He put up some money to start the ball rolling.  I certainly was indignant that he did this...and suffered some humiliation and sense of being dishonored, disrespected and not trusted to do the right thing.  Anyways, my other sons and dh helped figure out how to get housing for ms, who frankly didn't really want the help.  How crazy is that?  After he spent the last 6 months living in his car and he didn't mind it?!  Starting to realize the mental condition it takes to do such a thing, and not want the stress of housing you cannot afford.  Also realizing the physical condition he deals with since 2005 that I just thought he could buck up and overcome it.  I also dreaded putting him in the position where I am bailing him out setting up a precedent that mommy will rescue him.  But you know what, he needs help, it is not about me at all.  I am reading articles now along the lines of how parents make an effort to help their 30 somethings move forward through these difficult economic times.  **When they get in trouble, I don't want them to go so far downhill that they'll never get out. As a parent and grandparent, I think it's a fundamental responsibility for me and one I'm gladly willing to fulfill."  I have had a change of heart and it feels really good.  Of course, I came to this place with a lot of soul-searching as I tend to rush in and want to do everything my way.  My son is objecting to me forcing my plan on how to help him and letting me know when I have gone too far.  It really hurts to hear him talk to me that way.  Feels awful, blindingly painful, catharctic etc.   I kinda remember those days when my parents made decisions for me and I was so glad to get out of the house and be on my own.  I also remember doing things to just let it fly that I am my own person.  Of course i was a teenager and not 30-something, but it was the same democratic effort to have your own free will, make your own mistakes and no one was going to take away your rights to live your life the way you want to.  Hopefully my help is going to be enough so my son will have a leg up again to stand on his own two feet.  I hope he finds someone special to love and love him back.  I am totally feeling like a stranger in a strange land, but I know I am going in the right direction because it feels right.  I wish my parents had helped me sort things out better.  So maybe I will be there for my sons.  Thanks dad LOL!  He made me see that if I cannot get my son to do things my way, I can try something else, even though it seems like I am giving in.  That's okay to give in when the outcome is better.  Oh, the craziness of the heart.  :-\