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Son "suddenly" has a change of heart

Started by JaneF, December 13, 2012, 07:35:05 AM

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JaneF

December 13, 2012, 07:35:05 AM Last Edit: December 13, 2012, 08:36:23 AM by pam1
As you all know, my youngest DS and I have really not communicated much since he has been with his wife.  You know the drill, HER family gets it all.  lol  Holidays, visits, grandkids school programs, photos and all that jazz.  I posted last month I think it was, that DS had sent me a text message asking me to run to town a no notice of course...to see new great grandaughter and my grandaughters.  He said he didn't know why his wife acted the way she did blah, blah.  I said in that post that I refused him, and said what I have been wanting to say for many years!  What are they going to do?  Cut off communication?  That was already being done, so I was tired of the games and said so.  Well...update!  On Tuesday ds texted me again and said one grandaughter (the 13 year old that had the baby in Sept) had a choir concert that evening.  I about fell over.  The problem was he said he himself had only found out himself (yeah okay), and he texted a little after 5 pm, program was at 6:30 pm and I live about a half hour drive to where the place was.  Also I had just gotten awake due to my working third shift, so I wasn't dressed, or cleaned up, nothing. Besides it happens that the grandaughter I'm raising had her winter band concert the very same night, and same time.  I'd already promised her I'd be there.  So I phoned my ds and told him that.  He understood, and we had a good informative conversation for about 10 minutes.  He said he was putting his foot down about this nonsense, and any time I want to visit the grands to just let him know and HE will bring them.  He said he never could understand why his wife is like she is, and he is finally saying what he thinks.  He now knows she hides things from him too.  We were discussing the issue with the 20 year old who got my grandaughter pregnant (when she was still 12 years old!), and I said it's nuts that they are not going to prosecute him for it.  My ds said and I quote "what do you mean not prosecuting?"  I told him I spoke with the prosecutors office myself about it and they said my grandaughter told the guy she was 17, so they refuse to prosecute!  My ds was angry because his wife did not tell him the truth, she and grandaughter knew this and led him to believe the guy was in trouble basically.  Truth is ds finds out, grandaughter and his wife don't want him prosecuted!  So now ds plans to raise a big fuss and insist they charge this guy (he will be easy to find as he is in prison on major drug charges and he'd been in trouble for it before and was on probation).  He's a real winner huh?  I can't wait to see what happens next, but I am glad ds is possibly beginning to wise up.  Time will tell.  J

pam1

Jane, this sounds like an awful situation from all sides.  I do want to caution you about getting too involved, sometimes the messenger gets shot.  My take is to let DS figure this out by himself, there are too many angles to consider and it's not an easy subject at all.  Hopefully their marriage is able to weather this storm.  Many do not, even when the parties are really good people. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

I agree with Pam. I would only ask how the prosecutor's office could accept a statement about the age without proof via a birth certificate. They are public record. That needs to be cleared up.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

orly

I always thought that it didn't matter if the underage person told the older one they were old enough? Because they are underaged they weren't able to consent to sexual congress, which is why young girls are referred to as "jail bait".  Dad should be raising cane with the district attorney to get something done.

Pen

I understand how tempting it is to jump in when DS finally contacts you and seems eager to share info back and forth...but I agree w/Pam & Luise. Be careful! This is still between DS & his wife. He could turn on a dime if DIL makes life miserable for him and you could be the scapegoat.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Keys Girl

JaneF,

It strikes me that the only piece of hard information, fact or "truth" that you have is that you spoke to the Prosecutor, which I think was something that was very risky (for you) because you aren't the parent.

I don't believe that anything that you are told that you can't verify should be considered reliable information.  The truth of who said what to whom and who is going to do what going forward seem to be moving faster than a pinball in a machine and in the same number of directions.

I wouldn't listen to him complain about his wife, there's a type of "whose side are you on" happening if he's complaining to you and you are listening.  I would just say "I'm confident that you can determine what is best for you and your family". 

I think this is a very sad and difficult set of circumstances but one that could find you getting hit with "collateral damage" and are vulnerable for scapegoat duty. 

Hang in there,
KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

JaneF

I began responses 3 times and deleted them.  I am not quite sure how to respond to your replies, but I do thank you for your wise statements.  I agree with a lot of them by the way. but if you knew the whole story about my ds's in laws you would see that it does not matter what one does or does not say, or do.  His whole family has been rejected for 14 years for nothing, and we are now to the point that we don't care if we make them mad if we speak what we feel.  It won't change things anyway.  Their marriage has held up (this time) because he bows down and kisses her feet, or did...They were married once before for a year and back then he chose not to crumble under her "demands", thus a divorce.  She refused to allow him access to the grandaughter until he "got back together" with her and they remarried...sick family.  When he talked to me he told me what he had to say and I listened , but I did tell him it was between him and her and I refused to deal with the drama (I think I said that in an earlier post).  My DIL's parents have been divorced for almost 3 years, and that is another sick relationship...you have no clue!  They both lie to each other as well as the kids and grandkids.  For instance, the guy has a new girlfriend so my DIL and her sister hate her for no reason at all.  My DIL came up with the lie that this new girlfriend told my then 5 year old grandaughter there was no Santa.  Never happened, I know that lady.  So you see they will manage to remove who ever they do not want in ther "clan" no matter what one does or doesn't do.  Am I worried about being collateral damage?  Nope.  Am I worried about my son and her putting blame on me as scapegoat...nope.  Been through it all, and I let it bounce off.  DS has to live with it all, not me.  He will or he won't.  He did say they are talking and changing things some, so they apparently are working things through.  In my opinion it is difficult to work with folks who are boldly just liars, but again, not my problem.  As far as talking to the prosecutor I understand when you say it was risky because I am not parent, but really up til now...there have been no parents!  DIL is GD best friend...bad idea.  I did talk to them because I could never believe what was said, and my point was proven when DS did not even know the truth.  Do I worry that it will upset them? Nope.  My DS said he plans to contact them himself and find out exactly WHO decided there would be no charges, even IF GD and his wife did not want charges pressed.  HE does.  Rightfully so (IMO).  I guess what I'm trying to relay here my wise friends, is that I am not dealing with "normal" if you will family there.  That is honest.  The sickness goes clear back to both sides of DIL's family and back to the grandparents.  I know them all.  Have for years.  My GD was caught stealing in the past year...my DIL's family had a good response to it...it wasn't HER fault, it was the other little girls fault she was with.  DIL has stolen from some of my family members, and been caught red handed TWICE...but denies even when sis in law SAW her with the money jar in her house with her own eyes and she was stealing money from it...nope, not her!  Geez.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not worried about their reponse to things I do or say because even if I do nothing at all they will say I did, I'm used to it.  lol  I do not expect any miracle changes in those people or the relationships involved.  My son still says I love you momma when we talk and he says he understands how I feel...so I will leave it at that.  If he chooses to see us, fine...if he does not, things remain the way they've been.  I am still okay.  I  do not want this GD I am raising to be influenced by the behaviors of some those people for obvious reasons.  I hope I made some sense in this post, and I so appreciate your points of view.  Have a glorious day.  J

Keys Girl

JaneF, my comments about you contacting the prosecutor because you weren't the parent were meant to alert you to the fact that you might become the target of a lawsuit by one of the many people who are in this mix.  Lawsuits can be brought for all kinds of nasty reasons, and while they may not have any validity, to fight them to get them thrown out, you still might have to spend a lot of time, money and energy.  It was meant as a "heads up" more than anything else.

Good luck,
KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

JaneF

lol  I was in no way offended by any comments made about this issue...all is well.  As far as getting sued by anyone, I have talked already to someone about that, and since I called and asked why the fella was not getting prosecuted I really can't be sued for that...and the prosecutors office actually didn't have to even tell me anything, but they also were not concerned about legalities when they answered my questions.  apparently anyone can call and ask a question about things, but sometimes it cannot be answered.  all court matters and charges are put on a web site called casenet, so all you have to do is enter the name and it tells what the charges are, guilty or no, ALL docket entries, fines, court dates, jail sentence or probation etc...it's really interesting.  we use it to check on people who want to rent from us.  thank you for your response, I really appreciate you all a lot.  sometimes I can't understand how I end up related "sort of" to the oddest folks!  lol  blessings to you.  J

licoricecat

I would proceed slowly with your son. Let him continue to talk to you but don't bad mouth his wife and agree with him. He might be just testing you. Just listen and respond "Son, what do you feel you should do about the situation.....?" Ask questions and get him to think and make the final decision. Validate his feelings. "Son it must be difficult for you....in this situation". Let him make his own decisions, so you will not be the scapegoat. He needs to make his decisions and take the responsibility for his decisions. Just be there and not quick to judge.

luise.volta

I agree. The tide can quickly turn and anything you say might be held against you.  I once told my elder DS when he asked how I felt about something that was going on in his marriage, that how I felt and what I thought was none of their business; how they felt and what they thought was the issue. Of course he held that against me...LOL!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama