My life

[Rose Lehrke]

I am soooo glad I found this forum. I have been watching other people and shows and the kids always say their moms are the best, and they thank their mom for everything. I thought I was the only mother who had a daughter that hated me. Although I feel for everyone of you, it does make me feel better that I am not alone in this. I believe it was Karen who posted about her daughter. Karen, are you sure it wasn't my daughter you were talking about. I don't have to write anything, you said it all. This is my first time on here (or any site like it) but I had to say thank you to all of you who put yourselves out there to tell you stories. My daughter and I have also had an on again off again relationship. It has caused me so much pain. My parents came to the US all alone so I grew up with my parents and my sister. I longed for grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, like other children had. Mine were in east Germany and I didn't know them. Because of the lack of family here, we grew very close. My sister and I raised our children together and they too were close. We were even pregnant at the same time (coincidence) but I lost my baby at 8 1/2 months old. A little girl we named, held, and buried. My daughter had health problems and was my first born, then came the one we lost, and finally we had a healthier baby boy. He had his own issues having asthma very bad etc. Anyway, we gave our children everything. They were the loves of our lives. My parents adored my kids, and so did my sister. When my daughter was 5, my father passed away at the age of 62. This was 3 years after the loss of my 2nd child. Times were tough for me but I had to go on because I still had two children who needed me. We were all very close and at 19, my daughter had an argument with me over a boy calling my house at 2 in the morning, and she told me she would be moved out by the time I got home from work. She was. I thought I would die from heartbreak. She had an older boyfriend who was divorced and she didn't like my opinions. We didn't talk for a very long time, in which part of me was missing. Finally we started talking again and things seemed better until she met her current husband. I don't believe he respects me at all. We had disagreements because even though I tried never to interfere or give opinions without being asked, once in a while I would say something that would set her off. I walked on eggshells all the time because I knew that she really believed in her heart that things happened in a different way that they had. She twisted stories and blamed me for things I didn't do or say and I finally realized she really convinced herself that they happened that way. How do you argue with someone who doesn't see reality? She has since stopped talking to me for so many reasons and this time was the final straw. In the past when she didn't talk to me I went into a depression, lost time from work because I would just sit at my desk and cry, I just couldn't function and started getting counselling. After the first child, they would threaten us that if we caused any drama, we would not see our grandchild. I was NEVER a drama creator, I was the one who always soothed ruffled feathers to keep the family together. If i wrote about everyhing they did, I would write a book. The end result was that she became pregnant with a second child. She called me and was crying at Xmas because she was with his family and missed our Xmas so much. I told her to have a good time and enjoy her time there, we would celebrate when they returned. In January they came to our house for our gifts, which of course were numerous for the baby when she once again twisted something I said and started screaming and they took the baby and walked out. About 4-5 days later I received an email saying that I am causing her too much pain and so I am not welcome to be at the birth of my grandson and that seeing her kids is a privilege not a right and maybe one day we can repair the relationship but she doesn't see it happening in the near future. 4 months have passed and I am not allowed to see my grandchildren. My grandson was born and I was informed from her husband, hours after everyone else about the birth but once again told I was not welcome. He is one month old today and I have not seen him. My granddaughter is 18 months old and I am not sure she would even know me anymore. I no longer cry for my daughter, but I have apologized and tried everything I could so that I don't loose the grandchildren I love so much. Nothing works. She kicked me off of facebook, and blocked me from messaging programs, and from what I am told, has not read my emails. Somedays I don't want to live but I have a terrific son and it is not fair to him. I go between hating them and missing them and am so mixed up that if she would contact me again (which I am sure won't happen) I don't know what to do or say. She disowned her brother the month before us. She is not communicating with anyone but my sister, and sometimes my mother, who she is ALWAYS mad at because then she has an excuse to not pay her. My mom paid off her school loans because of the high interest she was paying. She owes about $70,000 to my mom and is not paying her. What do I do to make the pain go away? I started telling people i have no grandchildren because it is easier that way. I really resent the fact that I can never get back the time she has taken away from me. I will not ever hear my granddaughters first words or see my grandson as a baby. How do you get over the anger and pain and mixed emotions and try to lead a normal life. Everywhere I go, I am reminded of my loses and I spontaneously burst into tears some days, while just being angry others. I am at a loss. Sorry this was so long but it is just the tip of the iceberg where they are concerned.

[luise.volta]

Often when we post for the first time, it is like a dam breaking. We are with you. Sending love...

[Hope]

Welcome, abusedmom.  It's hard to understand when our children act the way you described.  Many things run through my mind.....is it the influence of her husband?.....is she suffering from a mental problem?.....could there be a misunderstanding you don't know about?
I can feel your hurt and wish there was a magic answer.  It sounds like your daughter is having problems with her choices and with being irresponsible (not paying her gm back the loan in due time).  I know you want your dd and your gc in your life, but unfortunately you do not have control over that.  You can't force anything.  It helps to get it off your chest and we are here to listen.  We are caring women who are also hurting and can relate to your situation.  Continue to post - you are in a good place.
Hugs, Hope

[Nana]

I also welcome you aboard.  I am relatively a newey.  But I know this is the right place.  Sometimes we do not have the answers you need but are always there to listen to what you have to say.    We do not have the power to change things we want to change.  Remember thatm what not kills you make you stronger.   I was kind of smiling sarcastically when you wrote that ÿou were threaten to not seeing your gc" And when they tell you you are not allow......  who the heck they think they are......  Sorry....I get carried away.    Now it results that now mothers are punished..... when we were raising our kids...we could never imagine this.   Oh Well.   
Just want to tell you that I think that your daughter will eventually return to you like when she called you for Xmas telling you she missed being with you.  Just dont push...for now...leave things how they are.

My heart is with you and may God Bless you Always!

[kathleen]

Dear Abused Mom,

I just read your entire post.  It's really an incredible story and similar to mine involving a cutoff from an adult child, money accepted & no reciprocation, seemingly false accusations, and a deliberate attempt to misinterpret what you say and do to put the worst face on it, plus withholding grandchildren.

I just started writing to this post about six weeks or so ago, and I have learned a tremendous amount, not only from the gracious replies and wonderful support of other members of this list, but from reading my own posts that like  yours were very long in the beginning, trying to outline details of what had been said and done.  In the beginning, venting was very, very therapeutic.  And this is what I have learned from it for myself, to apply to myself at this stage, so far:

STOP.

Stop with the analysis, the changing thoughts, the depression, the anger, the blame, the grief, the strategizing.  Stop with the expectations and even with the hope. Go on with life, be the better person, and try to help others through your experience.  This sounds idealistic to impossible, but if you can let go, it really helps.  I'm not waking up at night anymore thinking obsessively about my son and DIL and how I've been taken to the cleaners by both of them.  I've got one life and I've become determined they aren't going to taint another hour, if I can help it.  This is new for me after years of
ruminating constantly over The Situation.

They are free to live their lives without us if they wish, and recognizing this has freed me tremendously.  I even  had a very happy Mother's Day this year, full of determination---it worked---to completely enjoy the two wonderful sons I do have and their gifts and love to me and my husband.  No one mentioned my third son, DIL and grand daughter this year.  We are learning to be a family without them, and you know what?  It's actually lovely not feeling that "walking on eggs" thing you talk about, worrying about what I say or don't, etc., etc., etc.  The four of us are peaceful together.  I'm not afraid. 

There's that old saying that if you set a bird free and it comes back to you, it was meant to be.  You did your best for daughter.  If you can accept who she is now and what she has become, and not take it on yourself to blame yourself or obsess over it, you will be free for whatever comes.  In difficult relationships in the past, someone once told me to use the phrase, "You may be right."  Our children who become abusive so much want to be RIGHT.  Let them be right, from their perspective. 

You are RIGHT that your other son needs you, and wholly.  Do not EVER harm yourself over an adult child who is acting out. 

I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm surely much better off.  Keep writing until you reach that state where you feel relief.  Again, many of us have been there and we still are there and feel for you.  It's not easy, but you have a right to live and live happily and peacefully.  You can claim it for yourself, I have learned, but it's a conscious act.  And I never thought I could reach this state of mind; it does take some work.  I don't want to sound as if I feel now I am perfect with all this because I'm not.  But now I have a roadmap for trying to reach sanity, tangible steps to take when that mindset creeps back in.  I'm determined to stop enabling my son and his family to harm me and I will work on this now until the day I die.  If they ever come back, I'll figure that out when it happens.

Good luck and know that I'm thinking of you,

Kathleen

[luise.volta]

What a fabulous post! I'm not adding anything except a resounding: GOOD FOR YOU! Sending love...

[Nana]

Kathleen:

Wow what a post.  You sound so much stronger, wise and with a strong determination to be happy and enjoy what you do have.  Awesome!
You said you are not afraid anymore and I think that is what free us the most.  When you become fearless...you break the chains you were tied to. 
Abusemom.....you took the first step to recovery.  Venting all your hurt and frustration.  You will be okey eventually.  As Kath says....its hard work but we are strong and we have to let go for our own sake.  We cannot change the way others think, feel or act but we have power over ourselves.  You will get very good advice in this site which I am glad I found too.  I wish I had found it when my life was a turmoil over this same issues.  I also wanted to die and what not.   Things did change for me but I had to let go first and then things started to change.  I wish you the best of luck and we will be here to support you.   
I thank Louise for starting this site....she is awesome and always says little but with a lot of meaning.  Exceptional woman. 
Love

[kathleen]

Thanks so much, Luise and Nana, for your kind comments.  I sure don't want to sound like an expert who has it all together yet, but I've come a far piece since I first wrote.  Mother's Day this year was some kind of marker.  I also don't want my other boys to think the cutoff son is my second career.  It makes our other kids feel helpless and angry, too, because they can't do anything but watch a parent's pain if we show it frequently.  It was wonderful just sharing a joyous day without focusing in any way on the negative. 

I do want to add to Abused Mom that I know, and many others know, the extreme knife-pain you are going through over those grandchildren.  Nothing cuts worse. That is an awful feeling, the loss of control.  There's two sides to every story, but as I have opened up and talked to other people I have found some extremely wonderful people, as far from abusive parents as you could get, to whom this same cutoff thing has happened.  It helps so much to know you are not alone and that this can happen to the very best parents.

As far as not wanting to tell people you have grandchildren:  when we moved to our new town and retirement home, I felt the same.  I even told my husband I wanted to tell new friends and neighbors I only had two sons (I have three, including the one who cut off.)  My husband refused; as angry and hurt as he has been, he said, "It's still my son and I won't deny this."  Not wanting to tell people means you are ashamed, and this shame is another emotion that we must get rid of because it further empowers those doing the shaming.  Most people won't judge you; if they do, they are not worth your time; more than likely any judgment will fall on the people who are destroying your relationship with your grandkids.  Hold your head high; at the same time, there's no need to broadcast the situation to people you don't know well.

Keep telling yourself you are not to blame for your daughter's conduct.  Screaming at you at family events?  I would say you need and should enjoy a hiatus from this high and draining drama---speaking of which:

Shakespeare said, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child."  Words of wisdom from a man who knew, and one who cut out his daughter from his will!  (No pun intended with his first name!)

Hang in & keep writing,

Kathleen

[Hope]

I loved reading Kathleen's posts and I'm so happy for her that she has reached the point that she can enjoy life without pining over her ods's relationship.       Good for her!!!!!  Just reading her words gives me strength.  I think this forum is a healthy way to evaluate your life and your relationships while receiving support from others in similar situations.  We learn from each other and find comfort in knowing that we are not alone.  Thank you, ladies - especially Luise who is a great source of wisdom and love.
Hugs, Hope

[Marilyn]

Kathleen,I have to agree with Luise.What a fabulous post!
I had to print it out,so i can read it daily.I'm at the same place you are.Going on with my life.I'm a much more peaceful person,I've put son and DIL on hold.I took Luise's advice,and will not respond to their games.I'm determined to be happy,with out them in my life.This feeling i have had for years,of hurt and longing,and feeling like i'm missing out on so much of their live's,has been replaced with,how much they are missing out on.And what i'm missing is fully enjoying the people that do show me they love and care about me.


Hugs to all the wonderful women here!

[Hope]

Good for you, MIW!
Love you!  Hope

[Marilyn]

Thank you Hope

Love you too

[Pen]

Kathleen and all, this has been a great thread. Thank you.

[kathleen]

I agree this forum is an extremely healthy way to deal with this situation.  Once in the past I went for therapy to gain insight into some relationships with my sisters.  It was great, but it was many months before that occurred.  Writing has a great benefit of seeing what you are thinking on paper.  Sometimes I'll say, did I really write that?  Was I really that bad off?  Or, positively, that was an insight into myself!

For me I think searching out a list like this was already the first step on the road back to sanity.  I had already recognized I needed some kind of support. By then I was bordering on wearing out a couple of my friends.  They want to help, but if they haven't been there they can only go so far and then of course in any case, there is nothing they can really do but listen.  Sometimes the best kind of support is just to share with others who have "been there."  But I think that if a parent is suffering very debilitating depression or worse, it's urgent to get professional help as well. 

I'm glad my posts have been of some interest and believe me, you'll hear more!  Pen, Hope, MiW, Luise, Nana, & all, it's wonderful to read your posts as well so keep them coming. You helped me get where I am and in such a short time; I wouldn't have believed it.   Luise, you are an angel and a genius for starting this and helping so many of us so much in so little time.

Thanks to all,

Kathleen

[cremebrulee]

Writing is fabulous theropy...as long as one searches out the self during a problem...I heard it said, many years ago, or maybe I read it somewhere, that the best way to find answers is to look at self...instead of blaming the other person involved...

When I divorced my husband, for years, I kept saying, why did he do that to me, how could he do that to me, what was he thinking, did he not have any respect for himself or his marriage vows...?

Then one day, after writing for a long long time, I realized, that I chose him...I chose someone, I didn't deserve...someone who didn't have the same mental/moral compatiblity, someone who didn't respect himself (and if someone doesn't respect himself, he won't respect me)

But I choose, he was my choice...then all the questions started rolling...but, my point is, a lot of times, not all, when we look to ourselves, we find answers...and yes, writing is great theropy...along with self examination, and listening with open minds and hearts....

so, while not in every situation, but in this one, by taking a long hard look at myself and the reasons I chose this man, really helped me progress in awareness and realization...that, this life was all he knew, all he was made to know, by his own parents....

but writing, surely helped me emensely...the hard part was taking a look at self and admiting, it was by my own choice, that my marriage failed...