March 29, 2024, 08:11:54 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


How do you make it not matter when your sons are absent

Started by sadmom, December 05, 2012, 07:18:10 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

sadmom

I've been having difficulties with my oldest son for quite some time.  He was an adorable child, but once he hit the teenage years he was a holy terror.  Ran away from home several times, used every type of drug he could get his hands on, would not abide by any rule set down, quit going to college I don't know how many times.  Finally he did end up in a decent trade and quit that after three years. He is very jealous of his younger brother (since the day he was brought home).  He is now 31 and seems to care less whether he speaks to me or not, unless he needs to be bailed out of some mess he's in.  He is very intelligent and had what I think was a pretty good childhood.  I was a stay at home mom for the most part.  He claims "you loved me too much".  If that's a sin then I guess I'm guilty.  His father was hard working, perhaps too much and used money as a way to make up for his absence.  He died six years ago at the age of 48.  I was the disciplinarian in the home as my husband wasn't available due to business trips and when he came home, he just wanted peace.  My husband was a functioning alcoholic, although never abusive, never cheated (that I know of anyway), and made sure our family was well taken care of.  I have tried everything I can think of to get my son to reveal what the problem between us is.  I have gone months and months without hearing from him and all I get is "I know I should have called, but that's just how I am".  It's hard feeling taken advantage of when I do help him out and am tossed to the side when his life is on somewhat of a decent path. I can't find a way to stop allowing his behavior to sadden me any longer.  I've tried everything I can think of, being available, not being available, lowering expectations to the point I don't even expect to see or hear from him on holidays.  It's so hurtful though especially being an only parent now.  What's the solution???

Keys Girl

Sadmom, here are my thoughts,

A. If you help out, consider it money thrown down the drain, and don't expect any consideration coming back your way.  You are being used as an ATM machine and it's your choice to consider to allow that to happen. 
B. If you are tossed aside, then you have a choice to continue to be used as a football or let them toss someone else aside. "You loved me too much" is such a incredible blame shift and your son hasn't considered that an orphanage would have loved him a whole lot less but then he would have a much larger group of people to blame, the staff and the other orphans.  He doesn't have his "big boy panties" on and he is the only one who will ever go looking for them so he can wear them.
C. In my experience as the former wife of an alcoholic, absolutely everything was always my fault, and nothing I ever did was ever enough to change that attitude, despite decades of paying the bills, taking care of everything, my son (on my own from the first weeks of his life) and doing the heavy lifting for everything.   Sadly my son is "walking in his father's shoes" despite everything I did to make sure that wouldn't happen. 
D. Alanon will help you deal with the sadness and introduce you to people who will understand your perspective.
E. This will be my 3rd Christmas without any contact with my son, the first one was incredibly painful, the second one not as much, and, this one is the best I've had in a long time.  I don't tell anyone that I've had any children, and it's just fine.
G. Christmas is a very difficult time of year, all kinds of people are carrying on about their happy families and celebrations (about 25% of those are happy in my opinion, look at all the movies about unhappy family Christmases).  There are always so many more people who have having difficult Christmases, the folks who were devastated by Hurricane Sandy could use lots of help.  Maybe there is something you could do for them, in one way or another.

I can only speak for myself when I say that the relationship/or lack of one with my son has been one of the biggest disappointments and heartaches of my life, but I've shed my tears and I'm moving on to the brighter side of the street.

Christmas and the usual hoopla that starts just after Halloween be an ongoing reminder of this but it's an opportunity to find a new peaceful place or cause or a family in your neighbourhood that could use your help in adding some unexpected joy to their lives. 

I saw video of someone who wants to remain anonymous wearing a Santa Clause suit giving out $100 to people in New Jersey who have lost everything.  You could give our bus tickets, or some other type of coupons (McD) to kids in a poor area of town. 

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Pen

Welcome to the site, Sadmom. I'm very glad you're here. Read Keys Girl's posts from the past; she has much wisdom.

If you haven't already done so, please read the pink-highlighted materials under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

Not to highjack your post, but to give a quick observation about all the holiday hoopla and misleading imagery regarding happy families:

IMO, advertisers & their clients want us to spend money to fill the "empty" places in our lives that may or may not exist. If we come to believe  we've gotten the short end of it compared to the seemingly happy, fulfilled people pictured in commercials and elsewhere, we'll spend money we don't have trying to get what we think others have. It's all a big scheme to part us from our money by making us think we're an anomaly when really we're probably pretty common. It does help to know we aren't alone, which is how this site promotes healing.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Ruth

your dealings with your son sound a lot like mine, sadmom.   Its a very hard thing.  My DS is also early 30's.  I've never been able to establish any kind of a loving, stable relationship with him, and this goes all the way back to when he was a small kid, he just never really cared.  He doesn't want to completely sever our ties however, he shows up sporadically by email in my life, always on his own terms, now and then.  There are no holidays with me to speak of.  I've beaten my head against a brick wall for many years, and it has hurt very badly.  Like you, I tried every tactic under the sun:  stay close, distance myself, give, don't give, you name it, nothing just never seemed to make any difference.  In short, he just doesn't particularly care.  I managed better this Thanksgiving than I ever have as far back as I can remember.  Iguess I've just hurt so badly, for so long, that my emotions have just somewhat shut down.  You can't just keep hurting forever.  There's a survival mechanism built somewhere inside us that calls it quits at some point, and you still love your child as always, but you learn to put your emotional energy in other places, as keys Girl so beautifully described.  This process can start small, and gradually grow until you find yourself growing an actual life of your own.  I started out recently wanting to read to the blind, that worked a little but not as I had hoped.  I kept visiting nursing homes.  Now I do semi regularly baking and take afternoon tea and cakes to a few residents, and this has worked out splendidly.  They just love getting something right out of the oven, then I read to the ones who want to hear.  I also take special blankets, cd's etc., just whatever opportunity opens itself up.  This has helped me heal from the loss of my DS.  You'll find your own ideas, and once you turn that corner it gets a little better.  The hardest thing for me was giving myself permission to stop caring so much and keeping my heart wrapped around him.  Some how, I think, subconsciously, I feared that if I let go it would mean that it would never happen, and I guess I thought keeping myself tied to him had some kind of magical power to make my hopes happen.  But it has no power whatsoever, it is just needless suffering.  My Christmas perspective has now slipped down very low, to it being just another day, a special religious day for me, but I don't see any magic in that day or any need to try and make it bigger than life.  I give the devotion I used to shower on my DS now to my Dh, and to my DGS's who come to see me regularly and make a consistent effort by their own initiative to stay closely linked to me.  I feel my love is better invested with them.  We have great fun together, playing chess and bikes and books and jokes, and also some serious conversations that I hope will make some impact on their future lives.  I know I am very fortunate in this, because many grandma's here are even shut out of their grandchildren's lives, God bless them, it makes me so sad.

Beth 2011

Welcome sadmom,

It can be hard to go through what you dealing with by yourself.  I am in my 4th year and have the support of my DH but I still feel blue every now and again which I think is normal but I have learned to move on with my life and live in the present-for today.  That is what I found was the hardest to do for my own sanity and not think about shoulda, coulda, woulda.  My FOO often says we could write a book but no one would believe it.   :D  Wishing you peace. 

Keys Girl

I just saw a segment of Piers Morgan on CNN.  One of his guests was a woman named Madonna Badger.  She lost her 3 daughters and her parents when her house burned down at 5AM on Christmas Day 2011. 

She talked about how the run up to a day like Christmas is worse than the actual day.  I can't for a minute fathom how she has been able to deal with her grief and anguish. 

She's going to Thailand, to a girls' orphanage for Christmas Day, she's been able to salvage some toys from the garage of the house she lost and she's bringing suitcases of them to the girls.

Someone once told me that one of the reasons that sharing your problems is so helpful is that sometimes you find that someone else's are so much bigger than yours.

I know there will be many people on this Forum and everywhere who will struggle in the days running up to Christmas, but I cannot think for a minute of anyone else that I admire more than her and her incredible strength and fortitude in taking the few remaining toys of her children and bringing them to orphans half a world away.

KG





"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

herbalescapes

There could be any number of things going on with your son, but until he wants to be specific, you will waste a lot of time trying to guess what is wrong.  The first step in fixing a problem is identifying it.  If you identify the wrong problem, chances are your fix won't work.  In this instance, unfortunately, you can't identify the problem without his input. 

I dont' think there's such a thing as loving someone too much.  I think we use "love too much" as a euphemism for "overly involved" or "spoiled" or "co-dependent" or the like. 

People are very different.  What you may have thought of as a pretty good childhood may have been a horror to him.  Maybe he was more affected by his supposedly functioning alcoholic father than you think.  Maybe he hated playing soccer or the piano or being in scouts or going to Disney or whatever.  Maybe for his temperment makes calling twice a year more than sufficient.  I'm not trying to plead his case, but to point out his experience may not be what you think it has been. 

You can't control him, but you can control yourself.  If bailing him out makes you resentful, stop doing it.  If you continue to bail him out because you're afraid he will disappear from your life completely, understand that you are making a choice.  Accept the consequences.  It'll still hurt that you won't have that loving son who wants to be with you, but you can stop being resentful about not getting a return on your investment. 

Good luck. 

sadmom

Thanks so much for all the inspiring and thought provoking posts.  You gals are great!!  I'm not sure exactly what to do next, but knowing I'm not the only person in this saddening situation is such a comfort.  Keep your advice coming!! I'm learning more and more with each post I get!
Thanks,
Sadmom

Eggshelz1

sadmom-I feel for you.........the hardest thing in the world is to 'love too much'...............I do it too. I think most moms do that.

This beautiful site can be your anchor throughout the holidaze................yes-DAZE.
The women who are 'veterans' here are so wise and wonderful and giving and loving-cling to them.  I found this site by accident while in agony over my older DD-and they got me through it. Main thing is to really really listen to what they say-they have been there and done that. They have risen above it all somehow-blood, sweat and tears, and so generously now share their experiences and souls.
I don't hardly post but this thread got me. I believe you will come through this. Cry when you must but then dry your eyes and rise up again. That's how we do it-moms. Over and over again.
Just please never give up. Especially on yourself.   :)


Begonia

Eggshelz:  I think your post to sadmom is just lovely and so filled with wisdom.  Thanks for posting that, it helped me realize that being a mom means over and over and OVER again....and we must not ever give up on loving ourselves. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)