Advice please

[BlueEyes]

How can I not get so emotionally overwhelmed when my DDS are having problems in their personal lives or trouble with their jobs. My YDD shared with me that she could potentially lose her job. She just had a baby 8 months ago and she cannot afford to lose the benefits.

I became worried by the time I got off the phone. Talked with DH, took a hot shower and came to bed. Got those good ole nervous chills. Wow!

Advice please. How can I handle myself so these problems in their lives do not take such a toll in my life. I know they are going to have problems but I would like for their problems to not have such a huge impact on me. Suggestions or different mindset..any ideas would be so welcome. I sometimes just want to be away from all the going ons. I feel like all I can handle is my own life challenges and my DH. Suggestions please

[luise.volta]

Welcome - My suggestion is that you read as many threads under this category as you can. They will give you a lot of perspectives and point you in the direction of thinking about you...your life...your hopes and dreams. That's something most of us lost along the way. We didn't know when to stop parenting and let go. We didn't know how to turn toward our own fulfillment after only thinking of others for so long. We had no idea that we were getting in the way of our adult children making the choices they had the right to make and learning from the consequences. Sending love...

[Pen]

Welcome, BlueEyes. If you haven't already done so, please read the pink-highlighted items under the topic Open Me First on the homepage. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

I agree with Luise. Reading posts here will help you see that you're not alone and that healing is possible. We make progress, we falter, we pick ourselves up, and so on. It's not easy to go from being a full-time caregiver & nurturer to hands-off bystander. Turning the focus from our children back to ourselves can feel selfish, but it's the natural way of things. Rediscover those interests you had before kids came along. Rekindle long-dormant talents. Walk. Meditate. Learn a new skill.

You seem like a loving, caring parent. Your adult DDs need you to be a calm and steady touchstone as they make their way. The best way for you to become what they need now is to take care of yourself Breathe - you've got this!

[Pooh]

Welcome BE.  I know it is very hard to not worry about our AC, because we love them.  I think it's perfectly normal to worry about them, feel bad for them and hope for the best in situation, for them.  What is hard to overcome is wanting to bail them out and letting it consume you.  You are going to have to trust in yourself to be able to not let it get to you.  Easier said than done, but hopefully, reading here and taking some time for yourself will help.

[Keys Girl]

Blue Eyes, sometimes what seems like a problem can turn into a blessing.

If your daughter loses her job, she will look for another one.  The new one might have better benefits, a higher salary and be a better fit for her.

In the meantime, the company that she works at now, could declare bankruptcy at a later date and leave all kinds of people to flood the job market at the same time.

It's hard not to worry about our AC but it's their job to worry (which is a waste of time) or to take whatever steps they need to take to take their lives in the direction that they want to take them.

I think it's a good idea to have some confidence in AC that they have more common sense and are more resourceful than we think.  Some people tell their parents their worries so their parents will find a solution, but that's a short term solution that doesn't lead to full independence.

If you get busy have as much fun as you can in your own life, you won't have time to worry about anyone.

KG

[BlueEyes]

Thank you for the input. Just to get feedback when I feel so overwhelmed is one of the qualities I enjoy and appreciate about this website..I am grateful. Louise..even after all this time of letting go I still find it difficult to not feel like I need to fix their "boo.boo."  Pooh, thank you for your input. Not having my YDD problems overcome is one thing I am continually working on. Pen, thank you for your suggestions. I have found walking to be superb.. KG  thank you for the different perspective..another way of looking at they situation.

My YDD struggles solo much with anxiety..job related issues, husband having problems with some driver license issues. Wow. All I can do is pray.  She is so worried about getting breast cancer especially after watching me this past summer deal with the results of some irregular calcifications in my breast. I feel so bad watching her go through this struggle.

I ltold her I am in her rooting section the guide on the side. I pray for guidance constantly..I just want their lives to move forward..this is my prayer

[herbalescapes]

The first thing I wondered reading your post was whether you could have a medical problem with anxiety.  I suggest making an appt with your doctor and explain what is going on.  You might also want to examine whether you are eating a healthy diet, getting enough exercise and getting enough sleep.  Those things can contribute to having extreme reactions to life's difficulties.  You can find a plethora of ideas online on how to deal with stress/anxiety - deep breathing techniques, meditation/prayer, etc. 

Good luck. 

[Begonia]

Blue Eyes:  I totally understand where you are coming from.  And you sound like you are doing great in a loving way. And I also totally understand how family problems may create problems of anxiety in the strongest of us.   Our reactions are what they are depending on who we are.  I am a very strong woman and like you I have to really work at not getting involved when my AC and GC are hurting.  When my AC and GC hurt, I hurt.  Can this be managed?  Yes, and I have learned how to do that with the help of this website (click in here when you feel most vulnerable)  and learning to listen and never offering solutions beyond "You can call me any time and I will listen."  No more fixing.  Not even when GD just lost her job, or OGD has been in lots of trouble.  "That is a tough deal," is my newest response to my DD, and then "I love you."   My DD is proving to me that she can handle life, and GD's can handle life. They are proud to show me they can tackle things without me. I have had to step away...very hard to do!!!   And my AC and GC are proving they are from strong stock if I only let them do it their way. 

Keep posting, give yourself credit for looking at how to disengage.  Sending hugs. 

[BlueEyes]

Thank you Begonia for your insights and validation. I am a strong woman but find myself having to assess and reassess when I find myself being or doing more than listening...which I am very aware of needing to detach with love once again. There is a saying that a person keeps getting the lesson until they get it...I keep getting this one particular lesson because I obviously have not gotten it yet.  However, I continue to have faith that I will get it.  So as I tell my DDs one dot at a time..tomorrow is a brand new day.  I will strive to be the listener and the guide on the side. For the most part that seems to w Orkney pretty well for me. I work at not asking DDs questions rather letting them share what is on their minds.

I continue to greatly appreciate the support of this group. Thank you for your support and listening ear.