What a difference a year or two can make

[Elise]

I returned last night from a five day visit to my ds and dil.  I stayed with them at their insistence and helped them resettle their home after having had lead abatement work done in preparation for the baby scheduled to arrive 12-24.  The tone of the visit was warm and they were happy to have me help them. I finally have some sense of warmth with my dil and my ds was openly affectionate and found little ways to let me know he values me in his life.  It was a long road to now - back story not good since they got together a few years ago. Sure, there were some things which felt like digs at me, or comparisons dil would let me know about which pointed up her foo will always be first in their married lives. Still, I found it very easy to just pass those comparisons by and concentrate on the good that was apparent in our connection as it exists today.  It had been a long time since I had seen my son and longer since I had seen his smile, which although somewhat less exuberant than before at least is returning in some ways.  We laughed together at nothing and had some fun just cleaning and settling things and arranging the nursery.

Now, as to what changed.  All that really changed on my part was all the things Louise and all the ww here advocate worked for them.  Loving detachment on my part, and understanding at a bone deep level after much soul searching on my own part, that I had no clue what was really going on with him or them for a long time.  And most importantly, knowing I had to wait until they wanted something of a loving connection rather than one which judged me so negatively or critically. It is all about them and I am on my dil's  radar screen when it suits her. I am on my ds's radar screen much more, yet he is constrained by his marriage. His lesson to get and work through. Strangely enough while that was hard for me to get for a long time, it is fine with me now.  I concentrate on my life now much more and am happier for it.   Just thought I would post this to let those struggling know there is possible hope and reconnection even when the present seems impossible. Even in the face of estrangement. It really does matter how much we connect in this life, and yet it is also true those children we raised cannot ever really put us out of their lives because we live in their hearts, whether they listen or not to their heart songs. Peace to all as we in the West enter our season of love and hope.

[Pen]

Elise, thank you for your post. It's great to hear you had a wonderful 5 day visit! 5 days! That's really something. For those of us who are "lovingly detaching" and finding it difficult to picture a time when things will improve, your story gives us hope. Good for you! Happy Holidays!

[Keys Girl]

Lovely post, thank you.

[luise.volta]

YIPPEE-YAY! 

[Pooh]

Yay!

[jan2808]

I had about given up hope for any reconciliation but your thoughts about our living in our children's hearts has helped brighten my day.  Thanks for helping!