DS contacted me by text today, I refused him

[JaneF]

I know to some of you my response to my DS was not what you may have chosen to do...and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done!  I had said on one of my most recent posts that I sent a message with my sons father in law that I was completely finished with trying.  My DS texted me today and asked me to come meet him at his Aunts house, who is one of my best friends, even though her brother is my ex husband!  I replied back simply Why?  He then responded that he finally talked some sense into his wife, and his 13 year old daughter that just gave birth to my first great grandchild in September.  He told me my grandaughter thought I did not like her.  Of course she has been told by her mother I recently found out!  It took all I had to respond to my son and tell him exactly what I needed to let him know.  I miss him and love him, but I told him I wish the tables could be turned on his wife and her family for the next fourteen years, so they could see how painful it has been for me to get zero school pictures or school programs, no holidays, or birthdays, nothing.  I also told him his wifes family was the strangest family I have ever met in my life.  I then told him I will not meet him because I am tired of being less than second fiddle.  I told him I have tried and tried, and I'm done.  He was going to bring the great grandaughter so I could see her, but my grandaughter and daughter in law would not be coming...so to me they were going to be slapping me in the face by refusing to attend this so called "meeting".  I know some of you may say that this may have caused a permanent "severing" of any relationship in the future...but to be down right honest, they had pretty much already done that many, many years ago.  I never asked for much from them, nothing actually...but instead I said to them on many occaisions we are okay with a day other than the exact holiday so that way her family can have that time...I would accept a week before or after, whatever.  We got zero.  Except 5 minutes to come get their "loot" and right back to her family they'd go!  See, I am feeling like they are contacting now because here we are at holiday time once again!  Hmmmm.  I am honestly saddened that I turned my son away, but he needs to know how it feels to be hurt like I have...and I will not allow them to treat me badly ever again.  I got to spend Thanksgiving with 2 of my other children and several other grandchildren, so it was a blessing.  My DS didn't even bother to TEXT happy Thanksgiving that day.  Today is my husbands birthday, and our anniversary...did he acknowledge either???  Nope.  I am done now, I will be just fine.  I said what I wanted and needed to say.  I am at peace because I know I gave it my very best for many years.  Thanks for allowing me to rant a while, I appreciate you all.  Blessings to you my friends.   J

[luise.volta]

JF - We all have to call it the way we see it. We can share here and yes, sometimes vent, but we don't judge each other. There's no peace in that. What I hear is that you did your best and have retained your self respect through it all. Sending love...

[Pen]

I agree with Luise. You regained your self respect, said what needed to be said. Good for you for taking care of yourself! You're a WW indeed.

[Keys Girl]

I am done now, I will be just fine.  I said what I wanted and needed to say.  I am at peace because I know I gave it my very best for many years.

I understand where you are coming from.  I think that the fact that you are fine is the most important thing and being fine in whatever you choose to do in the future is important too.

Being fine and at peace is a wonderful goal to achieve.  Good for you for getting there.

KG

[JaneF]

Update...my DS did end up going over to his Aunts house (my good friend), and he brought my 2 grandaughters and 1 great grandaughter with him.  The Aunt sent me a picture of GGD on my phone, as I did not opt to go down there.  She said she and my DS had a conversation, and he told her he understands why I feel the way I feel, and he is sorry.  About 13 years too late though as far as I am concerned.  Like I have always said, his wife and kids come first-that is totally correct!  HOWEVER, I do not think it quite fair that he has to totally give up his FOO to keep her happy!  He says as much too.  But if he communicates with his family, it causes huge issues in their relationship.  I have no clue why though.  As for my husband and myself we do not do drugs or abuse alcohol, have never been arrested, we are honest and work hard...so that is not the reason she gets upset.  He has said even that the only family she wants involved is HERS, and without saying unkind things lets just say her parents have some REAL ISSUES!  I am glad I stuck to my guns though since I feel I have gained my sense of self respect back!  I love my son and always will, but I have to love me too.  This situation is one HE and HIS WIFE need to work out.  Not my problem to solve.  If he truly wants a relationship with my husband and I, and wants us to also have one with the grands and great grandchild...he will have to deal with whatever their issues are.  But I will not tolerate being treated as second best from now on, there either will be compromise, or there will be nothing, the ball is in his court.  He now knows I am holding to my decisions, and the kids will not be pawns as I no longer play that game.  I feel free.  If he opts for a relationship with some rules for all, fine...but if not that is fine also.  It took a long time to reach this place of acceptance and peace.  Ahhhh!  Blessings to all of you.   J

[Beth 2011]

Hi Jane,

It sounds like alto of us here are in a soul cleansing mode.  .  I recently had my say where my DIL and DS are concerned and whooo! did I feel better.  I was not derogatory and did not use one swear word but I was able to get my point across clearly and without interruption.  She reached out with certain limitations and I reached back with none.  So if it ends any hope of reconciliations, so be it.  I have kept my mouth shut and the time had come to speak my peace.  She opened a conversation after not ever talking to us in almost 4 years out of the blue with ultimatums.  Well, she had the wrong one on the right day. 

JaneF good for you.  Sometimes enough is just that....enough.