Help! Still Grieving for Sons.

[carolinagirl]

I am new and looking for hope.  My DH and I have been married for 38 yrs.  We have 1 DD and 2 sons.  We raised our children in a Christian home and had, what seemed, a wonderful family. Our YS was born with a rare bone/muscle disorder and has been in and out of hospitals.  He has used a wheelchair since childhood.  Life seemed great until our OS became distant and somewhat defiant around 15 yrs. old.  He became so intolerant that we made him leave home several times, only for him to return weeks or months later to ask for another chance.   He did not even show up for his only sister's wedding.  He was diagnosed with ADD in school but by now was beginning to show signs of bi-polar (2 siblings have it) and ODD.  He even quit school w/o our knowledge and took off with some kids to Florida for fun.  I won't get into all the problems he caused our family during the next several years, but suffice it to say, we tried therapy and everything we could to help him.
Five years ago, both sons decided to move out.  It was time and we were supportive.  They both loved each other and had started a lawncare business together.  We thought things were going fairly well until I noticed the YS was becoming distant with us.  Keep in mind that our YS was very close to us and even called us daily when they moved.  In a little over 18 months, both sons married ladies they barely knew.  We have never met one DIL and the other we saw about 3 times.  They all live together and within the past four years have shut every person they know out of their lives.  Our DILs have no contact with their families,  as well.   Our sons changed their first names, have unlisted phone #s,  and told us we were no longer a part of their lives.  One DIL told her mother she was dead to her.  I drove to their house (20 min) and asked what had we done to deserve this.  I was told, "You are no longer our mother and this is how we want to live."  My husband has talked to them and received the same response. 
There is no doubt that our OS is in complete control.  Our YS had always been full of life, affectionate, and outgoing.  Now he seems angry and distant.  My mother ran into him last week and he wouldn't speak to her. I worry about his health.  I haven't seen or spoken to either son in three years.  They do not know their nieces and nephews nor did they attend their grandfather's funeral.   I have placed this situation in God's hands, but the mother in me can not stop the anguish and suffering.  I feel like both of my sons have died.  Our DD is hurt and angry at them.   My DH was a terrific father and has no answers.  He has gone on with his life but I can't seem to let it go.  It's been years and I still cry every week.

[Pen]

CG, welcome to the site. I'm sorry you are going through this.

As you can see, you are not alone. There are no simple, easy solutions but lots of support as we progress to healing and getting on with our lives.

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[luise.volta]

CG - Welcome - For me, the hardest thing to get is that I did my best and they are responsible for the rest. There are no answers when it comes to making sense of the senseless. Adult Children have the right to make choices. Eventually most of them learn that freedom brings with it the task of dealing with the consequences. Some get stuck in trying to sidestep growing up by blaming others. Parents are the often the nearest targets. It was very hard for me to understand that. I was still "connected" after my eldest son "disconnected." I was connected to my memories and my expectations. Hardest of all, again for me, was getting that they were mine. My son rewrote history and I wanted it to be documented correctly and honored. He made me up to be someone I never was or could be. "Giving it to God...but..." has to be amended for most of us before we can go on and turn toward the rest of our lives with an open heart. We have to let go of the "but." Sending love...

[carolinagirl]

After reading post, I wanted to clarify that the 2 siblings diagnosed as pi-polar are my siblings and not the siblings of my son.  Thank you for your comments.

[luise.volta]

Thanks. I had misread that. Have a good day.

[Pooh]

Welcome CG.  I hope you continue to read and post.  This is a great place to heal.

[Ruth]

I am sorry to read such a painful account of what 'should've'  been happy and prosperous years, dear Carolinagirl.   I can share what you are feeling, having also a very long story myself of years and years of unanswered questions and disappointments with my DS.  We mothers living out a tragic situation such as this are sort of like frogs in boiling pots of water - we become acclimated to some extent to the pain and sense of loss and it even becomes a part of who we are, for me it has been a long journey.  I am not 'there' yet but at least I have learned to not take my DS's coldness and detachment as a personal attack any more, I have had to come to terms with the fact that this is who he is, and the kind of personality he has.  It doesn't mean I've given up hope that things may change in the future, but I have learned to live with it, and to enjoy and cultivate other important relationships.  That's a far stretch from where I was three years ago.  I truly hope you can find more peace.