Thanksgiving Question - Need your input Ladies!

[autumnlady]

As most of you know I have reconnected with my OS and DIL just before my first grandson was born at the beginning of this year.  Things are going slow but in a positive direction and I do see GS every few weeks.  Now is the time for Thanksgiving and I found out through my YS that OS is having his first Thanksgiving at his home this year.  My YS has been invited and he informed me that he is going.  Of course I was upset he is my only family, except my BF.  My parents are deceased and I have no siblings.  My take is that he should have told his Brother that I will have dinner with Mom and I will come over for dessert and spend the rest of the evening with you.  OS and DIL have T-dinner between 4-5pm and I have mine between 2-3pm so he can spend some quality time with both of us.  YS doesn't agree with me but hasn't  made any definite arrangements yet.  I know by his actions that he will go to their home. BTW I should mention that all her family will be there of course.  Even if I was invited I don't really want to go...too much drama.  DIL's family are nice to your face and then talk about everyone behind their backs. Not my type of people! 

I'm I wrong for being upset?  I have now invited 2 of my single friends and it will be 4 of us, so I won't be alone but I really would like my YS to be withe me.  Selfish?  Let me know your thoughts!  Thanks!

[DivaGirlDIL]

Autumn of course you have a right to be upset.  Everyone had a right to decide howvthey feel.  You don't get to decided though where he goes though.  Making him feel guilty is only going to cause tention between you though. 

[luise.volta]

It seems naturalfor you to want him with you. We often just don't get our expectations met and have to accept that. You are doing great, it seems to me. Sending love...

[pam1]

Did YS know of your Tday plans before saying yes to OS? 

I think making your holiday fun is the way to go.  It's natural to be upset at some things, I just wouldn't let it ruin your holiday.

[Pen]

I'm so sorry to hear this, AL. It must be a great disappointment. You're not being selfish to feel the way you do. It feels crummy to not be chosen first by someone we love. But good on you for choosing YOU! I'm glad you are spending the day with friends; have a full-on great time 

[autumnwoman]

Thank you everyone.  BTW yes my youngest son always has T-Dinner with me and he knows the time.  I am learning how to not let things bother me but it does take time.  YS will still be here but probably not for dinner, but the good news is he still lives with me, so it's all good.  Luise thank you so much I am trying to not have expectations but it's amazing how they pop up when you least expect them...LOL.  I am going to have a great thanksgiving with my friends and BF.  I wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving

[herbalescapes]

It's never wrong to feel the way we feel.  We don't normally have control over our feelings.  It's what we do about our feelings that matter.  I sympathize with wanting YS at TG dinner, but as others have said, you can't control his decisions.  Even though YS knows when you have TG, it's not wrong for him to choose to spend TG with his brother.  He doesn't have to make up for your estrangement with OS.  You know he loves you.  Accepting his brother's invitation is not a rejection of you.  I hope you and your friends have a wonderful time.

I think when we are disappointed or hurt, we assume the object of our disappointment/hurt must have done something wrong.  The other alternative would be that we are unreasonable.  There's a third option, though.  Maybe we're just different.  One time my sister was mad at me because I didn't tell her I had to take a medication.  She saw it as me excluding her.  I never mentioned it because I never happened to talk to her on a day I had a dr's appt or needed to get a refill.  (It wasn't an life-saving thing).  We have different personalities and different levels of communication needs.  Neither one of us is wrong, just different. 

I hope things continue to get better with OS.

[Monroe]

I understand the hurt feelings - but this is not an issue to go to the mat over.  Your YS loves you, you know that.  You don't want YS to feel caught in the middle, especially as you and OS are gradually patching things up.  (I read old posts).  YS lives with you - you can see him for breakfast and a nightcap - and by YS maintaining a good relationship with OS, that can promote the healing of your relationship with OS. 

You wouldn't want to go to the large gathering at OS's house ANYWAY.  Be grateful you were not invited.  I say look at it as a reprieve - you are spared the ordeal of dealing with DIL's family - you get a fun TK at your home with beloved friends - and YS will be there for a drink and appetizer, then go on to his brother's house.  Sounds like a great day.

And by YS being at OS home, you will have an ally there to rise to your defense should DIL's FOO make untrue/unfair statements about you.  His presence might even deter them from saying such things about you at all. 

I'm sure YS is grateful to live with you - and will also be grateful that you are not possessive and you do not make him "choose sides". 

All that being said - your hurt feelings are understandable - but everyone else on the board is right - let it go.  There are too many other positives in your relationship with YS -- this is not worth making an issue over - just use YS's good relationship with his brother to further solidify your relationship with OS.

And, since I read your old posts - you said you make a good homemade marinara.  Would you please post the recipe here?  Much appreciated. 

   

[luise.volta]

And when you post the recipe...please think about starting a thread called "Favorite Recipes" or something similar. I think that would be fun. Sending love...

[Pen]

Recipes are always appreciated

I'm trying really hard today to keep pre-Thanksgiving stress & worry to a minimum. I just ordered the turkey and have purchased most of the other stuff that I will need. Menu plan and time table are done. I'm getting the house ready, slowly. I'm moving ahead while ignoring the inevitable phone call or text to DS re: our dinner time change. Turns out I'm not eager to deal with the fallout from that, so I shall put off worrying about it until it gets closer to T-day. DDD & I are having a great time working on projects and listening to Christmas music (early I know, but DDD's favorite.)

Norman Rockwell, you lied but we're OK with it. Deep breaths, ladies. We've got this!

[Beth 2011]

Hi Pen,

Love the Norman Rockwell line    So true ..... So true. 

[autumnwoman]

Ladies thank you so much your ideas and suggestions.  I just found out 2 days ago that my YS will be joining me for TG dinner. My OS is not hosting TG dinner but going to his SIL's as usual. My YS will go over there after dinner so I am happy but would have been okay either way.  I agree I have to let YS live his life and I try very hard not to put YS in the middle anymore.  My OS and DIL are very selfish and I have accepted that is their way.  I focus on my GS when I can and the rest of the time I focus on my life.  My OS and DIL still have issues but if they are not willing to let them go there is nothing I can do about it.  As one of you said I can only control what I do.

On a more fun issue food, after Thanksgiving today I will post my homemade marinara sauce that was my mother's. 
Luise I will use your suggestion on the Subject Title.  I wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving.  I for one I'm very thankful that I have my grandson in my life and I am making (slow) but steady progress with my OS.  Sending hugs to all!

[Pen]

Happy Thanksgiving & hugs back Can't wait for your mom's marinara recipe.

We still don't know if DS will show, don't know if DIL will accompany if he does. I'm going ahead with plans for just the three of us (DH, DD & me), fancy china & silver, all the trimmings. I'm silently putting thoughts out to the universe/higher power regarding being OK with a house/yard that aren't perfect, accepting things the way they are.

I don't have a strategy or comeback line if DS/DIL start in with criticisms, but I'll come up with something along the lines of "I'm sorry my home/meal/appearance doesn't meet your standards. You're welcome to leave if you feel uncomfortable." (adapted from Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie.)

Can't imagine the meal not meeting anyone's high standards; so far everything I've prepared for this feast has turned out great! Even my baking, which usually sucks, lol. And the estate-sale china I found (some celebrity was selling it, don't know who) is beautiful, so at least the table looks fabulous.

[autumnwoman]

Pen, the meal sounds amazing.  If your DS and DIL don't appreciate it, it's their loss.  I too am learning to except less because people that accept us with our flaws are true friends and family. 

For some reason our children don't understand unconditional love.  Accepting someone for who they are not who they want them to be. 

I will say a prayer that you day turns out the way you hope.  My wish for you is a day that is stress free and full of good feelings!  Sending hugs as always!