Author Topic: I did something wrong  (Read 3195 times)

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bettylou

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I did something wrong
« on: May 09, 2010, 08:38:41 PM »
Today was so hard for me and I was so lonely and feeling really down.  My daughter was at a retreat all weekend and did not come until evening and I was all by myself.  I was so focused on what a great time my son and grandson were out having with dil and her mother.  I was just so jelous I really wanted to ruin their fun time.  But I could not, I am not that type of person but I did really want to.  I went into my daughter's room and I used her phone to text my son.  I pretended to be my daughter and I texted my son, "why don't you call mom today?"  He texted back that was he was busy and had already sent me a card.  I was hurt by that I know he might not think on his own to give me a nice a call so I tried again to push it, "mom is home alone she would probably like a call from you."  Son texted back again that he was very busy.  I told him to stop kissing up to his mother in law and think of his own mother for once in his life, and that his mom was crying.  He got so irritated he texted back "I tried to be nice and tell you I was very busy today now buzz off and stop texting me thank you."  I am so angry about his attitude and even more upset with myself.  I know DIL knows about the texts he tells his wife everything, so she is probably so mad at my daughter and I'll just bet she will say something to me and daughter about it next time she sees us.  Or my son will call me tommorrow and complain about daughter to me, not knowing it was me.  Now everyone is going to be upset with me.  I worried about telling you all what I had done but I had to get it off my chest.

Orly

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2010, 09:20:41 PM »
Consider it good practice that you 'fessed up here first.  Now the hard part is 'fessing up to your son before it goes any farther.

I can understand that temptation and stress led you to do the texting, but you compounded your problem by doing it.  Step up and correct this before it festers too long.  Honestly, you earned those lumps that are coming your way.  Get it out of the way as soon as you can.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2010, 09:53:18 PM »
What can I say...that was totally immature and unwise. Welcome to the club where we sometimes don't live up to our own expectations...much less anyone else's. It's human. Not admirable or even excusable but very human.

My take: Get back on that phone and text your son that you sent those messages and that you were less mature than any of your children today and you're sorry. It's not his fault. He didn't make you do that. You are responsible for what you did.

Be a big girl now, and clean it up. It may be...will be...embarrassing but do it anyhow and learn from it. There are consequences to trying to manipulate others. It never works...(even when it appears to.) Really, what good would his call have been if you had gotten one?

Here's some sincere admiration. I'm not sure, I could have fessed up to my community if I had done that. I really admire you for telling us the truth. It shows strength of character. We all fail, get up, dust ourselves off and move on. That's what's next. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2010, 09:59:20 PM »
You're right, you did something wrong, worse you used your dd to do it.  I understand you are upset, but now you've made your dd look like she was interfering.  So, my question to you Bettylou, is what are you going to do about it?  I can't see any way out of this that leaves you looking good in the slightest.  Sorry to say :(

You know I didn't get a mother's day at all, my dh was away for work and my kids were busy, they told me they were postponing it till next weekend and dh promised me some "us" time to make up.  Mother's day is not about "the" day.  The day merely serves as a reminder to value ones mother, it's not the measurement of your child's love. 

Instead of longing for what you don't have and feeling sad, try to count the blessings of what you DO have and be grateful.  You babysat your gs last week, you got a card from your ds, no doubt there will be other visits though out the year and have been previous to the 9th.  You have your dd every day. 

Your value as a mother does not hinge on one day of the year being observed.  I know mine doesn't. 

Offline Pen

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2010, 11:36:03 PM »
Betty, my heart goes out to you. If I'm reading your post correctly, it was the jealousy that got to you more than not having a celebration on "real" Mother's Day; am I right? I don't think you would have been so impulsive if you hadn't been picturing your DS and DIL out having fun with DIL's mom instead of with you. It wasn't that DS had a business trip or was spending the day at home with his wife and child that made a celebration with you impossible; it was his choosing someone else's mom to celebrate.....and I can see how the resulting jealousy can hurt so much a person might do things they ordinarily wouldn't do; not that I'm condoning it, just understanding it.

Involving your daughter was not good, but your DS will forgive her when he finds out the truth. The only person you've hurt is yourself, because now you have to deal with disappointment and anger from DS, DIL & your DD. You don't need me to rub your nose in it; you know what you've done and what you need to do now. My thoughts are with you as you go through this; may you find the strength and wisdom you need to conquer the green-eyed monster many of us know so well!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2010, 04:04:00 AM »
Hi Betty,
I'm very sorry you were hurting so badly that you would do something like that.
I think you should invite your son and daughter to your home, along with DIL and tell them all what you did.  Tell them you don't know what got into you, however, you were hurting.  Explain to them, that you understand, that DIL would want to be with her mom on Mother's Day...but your a mom to, and it hurt so badly...tell them you are sorry, and it won't happen again...

If they get angry, let them go for awhile and let them think about it...if they don't become angry, then ask them if you could alternate holidays? 

And I've been thinking about this...maybe I'm wrong...but, I am saddened by the fact that so many of you have husbands that didn't do anything special for you gals, knowing full well that your hurting b/c your son's can't be there...I believe you should discuss this with them, and ask them if from now on, you could do something on Mother's Day if your sons are not going to be there...

Girls...if I've learned anything...I believe many of you girls are holding this hurt in, instead of discussing these things with your entire family.  You don't have to get angry, upset or cry...but if you don't have the open lines of communication, and your sitting there waiting for things to happen, they are not going to, unless you communicate to them your expectations....

Betty, I understand totally how hurt you are...I really do...and my heart goes out to you...and I also know that by using your Daughters phone, you expressed to your son what you wanted to say...however, you should have not left this go, this long, and you should have expressed this to him....and your DIL...I think if you did this with composure in a simple discussion, like two adults discussing something at work, yes, they probably would get offended at first...but how many times has someone told you something that you were doing wrong, and you got offended, but while thinking about it the next couple of days, you realized you were wrong.

So, the first thing is, you've got to tell everyone what you did...tell them your embarrassed and did it out of extreme hurt and desperation, trying to tell your son, something that you couldn't tell him but wanted to. 

My foster mom, bless her soul...never said a word to her kids....but for many many years, those kids left her alone on Mother's Day.  She'd say to me, it's just another day?  It really really pi__ed me off...so I talked to them, and told them, "Look, I realize you, youngest sister has to work on that day, but the rest of you, there is no excuse for...I told them, I think it's God awful that you let your mother sit alone on Mother's day....especially after having a mother like mine...you guys are not that busy that you can't take one day out of your lives and plan something special for her???"  They were of course offended, but the next mother's day, they were all there, including my younger sister, she made it a point to stop by after work. 

My foster mother was a kind person, very giving and very humble...she asked for nothing...and she spoiled her kids....everyone but me, she was tough on me, that God!  She didn't want to deal with discipline...and the reason I towed the line, was because I loved them and wanted to be there, and knew, if I did something wrong, I might not ever be allowed to be there again....(I know now I was wrong about that, but the thought of loosing them, always made me tow the line) 

So, what I'm saying girls is...a lot of this stuff is from miscommunication...and I do know, some of you may fear them getting upset, offended and angry but so what...there comes a time, no matter how old children are, that you need to remind them of your feelings to....

In the case of my mother, she never said a word, and those 3 kids would have kept on doing what they were doing if I hadn't said anything...and yes, I took a chance of them getting angry with me...but I didn't care...I had two mother's I had to visit on Mother's Day, my MIL, and my real mother, however, I also made time to stop by my foster mom's with flowers, which she loved so much. 

So, please, open the lines of communication...you'll be respected more for it, then doing something like this Betty...it was wrong and you know it, and you came in here and vented it....which is good...but now, you've got to make it better...and Betty...I firmly firmly suggest, you get yourself in counseling...to learn how to deal with all of this...I mean it...I had to and it helped a great deal, and helped me get to this point. 

I knew my son and family were coming home and visiting his father and stepmother and her mom and stepdad...so I so know the hurt that knaws at your soul...believe me, and yes, there were times when I was jealous....however, I fought it (jealousy) with all my strength and told myself, I was wrong and to stop this...it was my choice to cut them out of my life, it was my fault...and to not be mad at anyone else for it....

I know I'm rattling on, and I apologize...I just want so much to help you...b/c I know your pain....perhaps if you get into counseling, son and DIL may come along...if you ask them to?  You don't know until you ask....

I think we mom's fear so much asking, for fear of another rejection, but you have to start asking yourselves, "what do I have to loose?"  When you start communicating your feelings...not in all cases, believe me, I understand, everyone's situation is different...but do you realize, people even get divorced today, b/c of lack of communication and understanding the other person's feelings? 

We don't know how to communicate with each other without getting angry and offended, and that is very sad?

Betty, take care and please think about this...and listen to the girls here...only good can come from good...and now, your going to have to make this right regardless of the consequences...and next time, if you will, please think about this before you do anything like this again or make any decission..."AM I ABLE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENSES OF MY ACTIONS".  Because everything you do and say, there will be consequenses and some of them may be long term, so please sweet girl, think about that. 

hugs and love
Creme

doormat

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2010, 06:54:25 AM »
Wow. 

First, yes, I get that your feelings were hurt.  But, guilting someone into doing something is never right.  When my mom would nag me to call a relative for whatever reason, I didn't feel bad for not calling, I was ticked that she seemed to forget that as an adult I can choose freely who to call and when.  I have a day planner and opposable thumbs and I'm too old for a nanny. 

There is going to be heavy-duty fallout from this and it is going to take time, and plenty of it, for you to earn their trust back.  And personally, if I were your daughter, I'd be tempted to put a lock on my door to prevent you from doing this kind of thing in the future.  You already said there were bad feelings between your daughter and DIL, I have no doubt your DIL is over saying "See, and your mother wanted this girl to watch our child???".

I would first explain to your daughter what you did, and apologize profusely.  Then I would speak to your son privately, do NOT cast blame, but rather take ownership of your part in this, and tell him you'd like to apologize to your DIL in person. 

Your "stop kissing up to his mother in law and think of his own mother for once in his life" statement is going to haunt you for a very long time.   That's the kind of thing you think to yourself but never ever say out loud.  People can forgive but they never forget, and what has been said can not be un-said.   

There have been many times where either me or DH hasn't seen our moms on the actual day of mother's day, but a day or so before or after instead.   Because, I'm a mom now, and they both respect that.  We still give cards and gifts and visit for a while, but it may not be on the actual day. 

So, again, as the others have said, you need to own up to it, apologize, but recognize that a mere apology will not erase what has happened.  Your actions are what they'll be watching.  If you say you're sorry but your actions don't reflect that, they'll notice.  And it will definitely take time for this to blow over.

Offline Pen

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2010, 07:43:25 AM »

There have been many times where either me or DH hasn't seen our moms on the actual day of mother's day, but a day or so before or after instead.   Because, I'm a mom now, and they both respect that.  We still give cards and gifts and visit for a while, but it may not be on the actual day. 


Alternating holidays is one thing; always being the lonely one is another. We all understand when schedules conflict or if it's just not "our year," but Betty has been dealing with a lot of heartbreak and rejection while her DIL's mom has been getting all the attention. I totally understand Betty's frustration and motivation, although for her and her daughter's sake I wish she had never done it.

In any relationship we might mourn the loss of a loved one through many scenarios such as a long-distance move, a break-up, or heaven forbid a death. Those situations are difficult but understandable and somehow we try to make sense of our loss. When in addition to our loss another person is getting the attention that we feel we should be getting at least a little of, jealousy may enter in and fire up our emotions in a dangerous way. I know in my case if DS is working or busy it doesn't hurt to put off whatever celebration is pending, but when DIL's FOO has taken the day for themselves it's a bit more difficult to deal with, especially a personal day like MD.

If DS had just called in a timely manner, it might have changed Betty's entire outlook. Let me make clear, I definitely do not think Betty made the right choice, but many things are in play here; she's been treated shabbily and really gamed previously by DS & DIL, and she reacted from the "lizard brain" instead of a place of calm and peace. Betty, again, my heart goes out to you.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline alohomora

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2010, 08:14:10 AM »
betty - I hope you didn't delete the texts from the 'sent' box because you're going to need them to show your daughter what you did.

Tell your daughter first. Then call your son and tell him that you made a massive mistake and you understand if he is angry and how sorry you are and here is what you did and you recognize what a mess you've made and hope he will trust that it will never, ever happen again, and that you hope in time he can forgive your mistake.

DO NOT TELL HIM ITS BECAUSE HE DIDNT CALL YOU. Or blame him or tell him that its because you felt so lonely because he didn't whatever - no. just apologize. own what happened - that's your best method of moving forward. You tell him for one second its because he hurt you, any chance of reconciliation is over.

Good luck. I don't think you're a bad person at all. We all mess up.

RedRose

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2010, 08:23:16 AM »
Although, Bettylou should apologize to her daughter and son for her text messaging ... I don't believe this qualifies that she should never be trusted again.
It was the wrong way to go about getting the attention she felt she needed on mother's day... I agree with everybody about that.
But...it was wrong for her dil to tell her they would spend time with her (Betty) ON THAT DAY and basically give her no acknowledgement at all. Also, then, spend the whole day with dil's mother. Imagine how Betty felt when she saw what he wrote in that message. I feel sorry for her . A son should make time to at least Call his mother on Mother's day...to tell her Happy Mother's Day... show Mom her loves her. He was too busy to do that.

Again, I do understand that if Betty didn't do what she did she wouldn't have seen how her son really felt.

Mother's day is so important to some Mother's and others could care less about it.

I'm so sorry your hurting BettyLou !
« Last Edit: May 10, 2010, 08:25:18 AM by RedRose »

Offline alohomora

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #10 on: May 10, 2010, 08:38:48 AM »
Rose - what do you mean how her son really felt? All he showed was that he didn't want his sister interfearing and got ticked off when she wouldn't quit - and that's fair enough! He didn't say 'im not calling mom because I hate her' he said 'i'm busy go away stop bugging me little sister' which is fair enough - *she* was being a pain in his behind - he's a grown man, doesn't need his sister telling him what to do. In fact, if I got taht kind of phone call from a family member, it would make me mad at them for stickign their nose where it doesn't belong too.

And son sent a card. He considered his mother. I personally, think yes he should have called. But it doesn't sound like they are that close, and he maybe thought he'd done enough. He didn't deserve this attack.

RedRose

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #11 on: May 10, 2010, 08:48:20 AM »
Rose - what do you mean how her son really felt? All he showed was that he didn't want his sister interfearing and got ticked off when she wouldn't quit - and that's fair enough! He didn't say 'im not calling mom because I hate her' he said 'i'm busy go away stop bugging me little sister' which is fair enough - *she* was being a pain in his behind - he's a grown man, doesn't need his sister telling him what to do. In fact, if I got taht kind of phone call from a family member, it would make me mad at them for stickign their nose where it doesn't belong too.

And son sent a card. He considered his mother. I personally, think yes he should have called. But it doesn't sound like they are that close, and he maybe thought he'd done enough. He didn't deserve this attack.

He wrote he was too busy for his own Mother but had time for his wife's mother.

That wouldn't hurt you?

All family's are different.. if my mother was hurt by what my sibling was saying or doing we all would work it out...together.

Betty should not have messaged him I agree with that...then she would not have seen it.

Offline Pen

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #12 on: May 10, 2010, 08:53:21 AM »
As RedRose just reminded us, DS & DIL had told Betty that they would be spending the day with her, and then reniged at the last minute to spend the day with DIL's mom.

I feel a bit of understanding of Betty's emotional state is needed here, regardless of whether we think her actions were wrong. How crushed she must have been! Some of the responsibility falls on the rude and hurtful behavior of DS & DIL, IMHO. However, DS & DIL probably won't want to hear that.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Scoop

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #13 on: May 10, 2010, 09:01:56 AM »
But 2 wrongs DO NOT make a right.

Betty, you messed up big time.  You threw your daughter under the bus to do it too.

I really hope that you 'fess up, take responsibility for your actions (without the "but I was so hurt" cop out), and beg for their forgiveness.  I really hope that you haven't done irreperable damage to your relationshiph with your DS, DIL and DD.

I would also suggest that you seek counseling to help you deal with your emotions and learn new tactics to deal with disappointment.

RedRose

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Re: I did something wrong
« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2010, 09:14:09 AM »
MMM...Do you think counseling will help if her son and dil do not go with her?
They need to be counselled on how to be fair...not to say things one day and change it the next.

You know, my son, finally realized, now that he is divorcing his wife, how unfair he and my xdil (soon) were to me on a lot of occasions. He has apologized to me for the way he acted. He has told me he just went along with her a lot of times so they would not have an argument. He knew I would go along to keep the peace.

Haven't a lot of us said that here?
« Last Edit: May 10, 2010, 09:17:41 AM by RedRose »