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I did something wrong

Started by bettylou, May 09, 2010, 08:38:41 PM

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cremebrulee

Quote from: RedRose on May 10, 2010, 09:14:09 AM
MMM...Do you think counseling will help if her son and dil do not go with her?
They need to be counselled on how to be fair...not to say things one day and change it the next.

You know, my son, finally realized, now that he is divorcing his wife, how unfair he and my xdil (soon) were to me on a lot of occasions. He has apologized to me for the way he acted. He has told me he just went along with her a lot of times so they would not have an argument. He knew I would go along to keep the peace.

Haven't a lot of us said that here?

Red Rose, that is where I would have said...when you marry, that doesn't mean your joined at the hip, and you don't compromise who you are, and what you believe at all costs...even when you disagree with each other a mature wife, would not expect you to side with her if you knew she was wrong...you don't do that?  That is selling your soul...just to keep peace????   

And our son's need to be reminded of this....we all need to....we don't compromise who we are and what we believe for love...that is our identities....and that is who that person fell in love with....and also...adding one more thing...follow your intuition, if your heart tells you it's wrong, then it must be....

Red Rose, I think it is really important you have this conversation with him...AND HE needs to find out why he choose someone who was so needy, that she would drive a wedge between him and his family...b/c he could go out an pick another just like her....we humans tend to repeat patterns, unless we become aware....

alohomora

It sounds like she's lost a grip, at least temporarily, on keeping her own emotions in check. Son didn't force her hand into doing this.

Counselling may help. I'm not a big proponent of it. But if its gotten to the point of doing crazy things like this without thinking about other people (like DD, an innocent victem who's relationship with her brother is likely to be affected though she had no part in this) it might be a good idea to get individual assistance. More so that she can focus on her self for a bit and think about what's best for her.

If things go poorly with her son, as I am concerend they may here, maybe after some individual sessions to get to bottom of her own feelings, a joint session with son and DIl might not be such a bad idea.

Rose - we've already discussed that we don't agree on this conept of what's fair. Different relationships result in different things. Son and DIL may be very close to her mother, and son and betty don't seem to be close at all, for a number of reasons from what we've read here. They must have their reasons for choosing to rescind their offer.

Scoop

I would hope that counseling would help her learn to speak calmly with her son and express her feelings in an appropriate way instead of turning to manipulation.  That it would help her to forge a new relationship with her son, based on honesty.

I'm sorry to say it, but I feel I have to point out that most "emotionally stable" people don't even THINK of impersonating someone else in order to manipulate a loved one into doing something they don't want to do.


RedRose

Oh Creme you are so right. We have had that conversation. He hopes to make better choices the next time...he is only 27...so he hopes to fall in love again.

I will have that conversation with him again...I just know it.  ::)

They have joint custody of my gs...he says he misses him so much the days he does not see him.  The hardest part of this whole mess he says.


luise.volta

BL - Well, it is that "day after." How do you feel and what did you do about this, if anything? We are all in your corner in one way or another and hoping that you have a clearer perspective after getting our feedback. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

bettylou

Thank you for your kind advice everyone.  I know I don't deserve it right now.  I know I went over the deep end.  I talked to son, see my other message please.  I talked to my daughter too.  My daughter said she is not mad at me, she says she doesn't care what they think anymore, that she hates DIL and wants to puke when she thinks about her, so she says she could care less and if I had asked her for permission to use her phone she would have said yes or called son herself.  She did say if we get cut out she will be sad because she loves her brother so much.  She is sad about that but she says she will get over it, she has friends and school to worry about and she doesn't want me to be so down.  I love her she is so special to me.  My husband is very mad at me, he called me a big mouth and said we are all paying for my wickedness to DIL he said I have been mean to her and I  have never meant it when I said sorry,  he told me we have lost son due to me and I have only myself to blame that DIL was right about me I ruined the family.  But he did also encourage me and tell me he will stand by me no matter what and that he would talk to my son and try to convince not to punish us all because of me and that no matter I am his mom and I love him.  He said he will do his best to try to help things not make them worse but he did cry a bit and told me he may lose his son because of me.  I am just waiting for him to call son and see how it goes.

cremebrulee

May 10, 2010, 10:36:47 AM #21 Last Edit: May 10, 2010, 10:42:59 AM by cremebrulee
Quote from: RedRose on May 10, 2010, 09:30:50 AM
Oh Creme you are so right. We have had that conversation. He hopes to make better choices the next time...he is only 27...so he hopes to fall in love again.

I will have that conversation with him again...I just know it.  ::)

They have joint custody of my gs...he says he misses him so much the days he does not see him.  The hardest part of this whole mess he says.

before your son looks for love again, he must figure out, what attracted him to this woman....he can blame her all he wants, but it wasn't a good fit, they were not mentally compatible...and I know this, b/c it was me...and my counselor told me, "if you don't figure this out, you will go out and choose another who is wrong for you".  We are ingrained by society, that we must be married to be successful....and we don't....and it would be very good for any son or daughter to move out from they're parents homes, and learn how to be self sufficent, and make themselves happy....b/c if they are not happy already, well, it's no one else's job to do that....if you hear someone say, "He makes me so happy?"  that to me raises a flag....

we marry for all the wrong reasons, and your son, needs to make a list, an honest mental list of why he choose someone who would manipulate him so?  And that he needs to stand up for his own identity, not change it to just keep peace....again, when you married, it doesn't mean your joined at the hip and you have to compromise all your dreams, who you are and your family and friends....

yes, have this conversation with him and make sure he isn't co-dependent....meaning needing someone in his life to take care of him...jumping in and out of relationships is not healthy....one must learn to live on they're own and be self sufficent, before entering into relationships and must also self examine and not point fingers at her, but  figure out, why he would choose someone so dysfunctional, so needy?  And this takes time....people who are desperate to be in relationships can be very manipulative until they're married...

And if you wait to have this conversation with him until he brings a lady home, your going to be in the same situation you were before, b/c he is going to defend her to the hilt....

He needs to understand, that most men fall in love with lust before finding out what the person he is sleeping with is made of...meaning, if they are mentally compatible.  Anyone can perform sex...but relationships are difficult enough without latching onto someone who is scarred by past problems, and he has to learn how to identify....to open up his eyes and observe the women he is dating....to, watch how she talks to her parents...to observe what her outlook on life is, is she broke, is she simply looking for someone to take care of her?  Does she have goals and a career?  Does she think and feel like he does about morals, and about family...and before they marry, they should work all this out ahead of time, discuss what they expect from each other, and discuss how they are going to work together between families...

It would be so much easier if the entire extended families could all get together at one time....but I know in most cases, that is impossible....

so, you can alternate days, years, whatever is agreeable to both.



I hope I've helped some...

big hugs
Creme

brandynd

Okay, I'm going to insert my two cents, and I'm really really sorry if it isn't what everyone wants to hear.  It just seems like you're eager to blame everything on DIL, Bettylou, when in reality, your son had just as much say in which mother they spent the day with.  Yes, it sucks that they chose not to spend the day with you, and not at least calling you to let you know there had been a change in plans was shady at best; but you may want to examine the way that you've been treating DIL a bit closer. 

I'm just saying, if your husband thinks you were awful towards her, and your son now agrees that you've been manipulative and mean, do you think it's possible that your actions may have caused you to be perceived that way?  Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just asking you to honestly survey your behavior towards DIL.  I know that my MIL behaves the same way towards me, and then she is eager to make it seem like I'm the one who is unkind and cold.

I truly believe that the best thing that you can do a this point is to give your DIL and DS some time to cool off.  Chances are they aren't going to want to hear from you for a while, and you have to accept that.  Every action has consequences, and now all you can do is sit back and accept yours.  After you've given it some time, I would honestly recommend that you go directly to DIL and try to make peace with her.  Maybe you could invite her out for a lunchand bring along a neutral third party so you could talk out your differences and try to reach some sort of understanding.  If you two cannot find some way to at least be civil to one another, all you are going to accomplish is to make your son miserable.  You're the two most important women in his life.  Don't you think it will be worth it to try and make nice with her?  I get from your posts that you aren't her biggest fan, but if your son married her she has to have some redeeeming qualities, right?

I hope you don't read this and think that I'm harsh, I'm just giving you the perspective from the other side of the spectrum.  I hope you know that I am on your side, and I genuinely hope that everything works out for you, but I tnk it is important to consider all of the possibilites, and not just the ones that are popular.

luise.volta

Well put. I am going to close this topic because she has opened another one.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama