Pressure from my dad

[Smilesback@u]

I have a middle son (ms) who does not want to get a job.  He does yardwork for a living but is not making it.  He used to complain it was the economy for why he could not find a job.  But the last time I talked with him, he says that's not it, he can get a job if he wants.  He is living out of his car.  My dad wants his address to mail him a bday card.  So I told my dad to give it to me and we will get it to him as he is living with friends, but that the last time I talked with him he said he was looking for an apartment, and considering doing seasonal work with Amazon shipping.  (I will believe that when I see it)  Of course, I keep hoping, but I feel so much pressure from my dad.  He said that dh and I should be able to do something for ms.  I know my dad.  If he knew that it was my ms's choice to not work, he would write him off as a deadbeat, a bum.  I know my dad and he is unforgiving, holds grudges and is a control-freak.  I believe my ms will come to his senses (at 34) soon as the weather is getting colder.  My ms won't take my 3x calls recently so I leave a message each time, that I think is encouraging.  I know this is his decision to make as to how he wants to live.  I asked his 2 brothers if they would talk to him please, and let him know we support him.  Unfortunately, he got mad at them too and it didn't go well.  It looks obvious that he must be smoking pot and not motivated to change his life.  It is so sad that it has become my problem too.  I am working towards detachment, and not giving him money anymore.  But now this pressure from my dad, which is not the first time, about ms.  I think ms has to solve this himself.  We give him help to move, store his things, and ask him to pay us for any bills that we pay for him.  So far, he paid us back for Sept bills, and owes Oct.  I believe he will get it together.  He is just so mad to get pushed and my dad now is pushing me.  I don't like it either!  I just don't want my dad blowing up and disowning me too because I wouldn't "do" anything.  Right now, I think doing *nothing* is doing something.  Does that make sense?   

[Smilesback@u]

PS  Can I ignore my dad's emails and phone calls to avoid a blow-up?  I think that's what I want to do. 

[Monroe]

Dear dear Smiles -- They don't call it the Sandwich Generation for nothing! 

My heart goes out to you - you are caught in the middle.  Not a fun place to be.  By trying to protect your son from your father's understandable condemnation of your son's poor choices, you set yourself up to be pressured by your dad. 

Good for you not giving your son any more $$$.  Perhaps you should stop paying his bills, and asking him to repay you.  Perhaps he should pay his own.  If he's late, he needs to deal with his creditors himself.  If they cut off his cell phone because he doesn't pay, then HE deals with it.  THAT might get him to work more. 

This is definitely something your son has to solve himself.  You CAN'T solve it.  Only he can.  Don't rescue him anymore.  He's 34 years old!   For your dad, try telling him - "Hey, Dad, you know that MS is 34 years old.  He's an adult.  I can't answer for him - you'll have to ask him that yourself."   Take yourself out of the middle. 

Yes, doing nothing is very much doing something.  And it is the right thing to do.  Keep working on detachment.  Don't let your son or father put you in the middle. 

Take care.  We care

[Pooh]

I totally agree with Monroe.  You can take yourself out of the middle with Dad without having to tell him the entire story.

[Smilesback@u]

Thank you Monroe and Pooh for your support.  I guess it gets worse before it gets better.  Apparently my dad contacted my os about setting up a trust for ms.  That's probably a good thing.  I think helping ms seems to be more negative to him, and he is stubborn enough to not follow through with *my* ideas of finding a job.  We are willing to help him whenever it is constructive.  Well I will keep my stance that I am not going to solve his problems for him, and he doesn't want me to, or so he says.  Thanks for being here.  I am good on this one and will call it closed unless there is something someone else wants to say. 

[Maujy]

Dear Smiles I have to say that I also absolutely agree with Monroe.....remove yourself from being the middle one.
Unfortunately for your son its not if he'l crash but when because it sounds like the drugs is the issue in his life that's calling the tune.
Let him know that even though he is 34 and near rock bottom you still love him because he is your son. He is going to need that love and support when he finally crashes and hopefully goes through rehab successfully and comes out a better and wiser person.
All the very best, keep us posted as to how you are doing.

[Pooh]

I'll close this one up then.