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My daughters

Started by Alea, October 30, 2012, 01:57:16 pm

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I have 3 grown daughters and a significant other. My kids and him have had issues, just verbal confrontations nothing physical, but it was volatile. They have all moved out and me and him get along great and have a happy peaceful life. After the last confrontation my kids informed me he was no longer welcome around them. We live an hour away but I work in the town they live so I suggested I drop in on my way home from work for visits. They don't think that is good enough. They want me to drive into town on my days off, spend time with them and leave him at home waiting for me. I feel like this is intentionally hurtful and unnecessary. He would never go anywhere that I wasn't welcomed as well. So I said no and now I'm being accused of choosing him over them and being a mother who doesn't really care about her children only her man and herself. Do you think I'm being wrong? Or do you feel as I do that at some time a parent has to chose themselves?


My take would be that they are the ones who have brought this impass about, if I understand you correctly. Now they are dictating how you will or will not comply? There isn't a right or wrong way to cope with it. I would be inclined to tell them that I am keeping my weekends for R & R and that my offer holds. (But then, I am a bit of a tough-love person.) My guess is that the game wouldn't end with you accepting their conditions but that the bar would be raised eventually to other..."If you really, really loved us and you really, really cared you would____." I'd draw the line at the beginning. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome, Alea. If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the pink highlighted items under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members so you will know what we're all about & how to get around the site.

How about continuing to stop by when it's convenient for you, but making a special visit on a day off once in awhile (when you choose.) If your SO has plans w/friends some weekend and you have nothing else to do, why not?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Welcome Alea :)

I like Pen's compromise.  Coming from a long term step family myself, we've all found it is very important to still have some type of quality time with the bio parent.  Even as adults.  So, I don't think your daughters requests are unusual in that sense and even more so with the background of the relationship with your SO, I can see why it would be important to them. 

It certainly doesn't mean it has to be every weekend or that you have to drive every time, there is compromise in there somewhere.  Maybe ask them to meet half way to see a movie or do some shopping every once in a while.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


Quote from: Alea on October 30, 2012, 01:57:16 pm
Do you think I'm being wrong? Or do you feel as I do that at some time a parent has to chose themselves?

Hey Alea-

I don't know if there's a right or wrong answer, just the one that feels the best for you.  You're the one who is going to have to carry it through.   

You're the one who knows what feels right to you - go for it.


Yes, sometimes a parent gets to choose themselves, but you want to make sure you're not being blinded by love.  You dont' mention the age of your children.  Are they in their late teens/early twenties, thirties, forties?  That can play a big role in how much of a break you want to cut them.  Also, what is the nature of their blowouts with your SO?  A lot of women get into romantic relationships and ignore what a real loser they are with.  Do you have a close friend, sibling, cousin who could give you an objective evaluation of the disharmony between your kids and SO? 

I think visiting after work or on your lunch break is a good compromise.  You want to think longterm, though.  Would it be worth visiting your kids one weekend a  month w/o SO to keep up relationships with them?  How long have you been with SO?  Do you see yourself marrying him down the line?  It would be a shame to come down too militantly with your kids (though that is certainly your right) then break up in a month or two.  I think with your kids you want to remember never to issue an ultimatum that you won't want to follow through with.  Don't assume they "will come around."  If your SO is truly your soulmate, then that's where you need to go, but go in with your eyes open to what the price will be. 



Alea:  Welcome and hope you find this a comfortable place for your ideas. 

In my opinion, after having lots of years to think this over, I know that when I chose my husband, fell in love with him, was in laa-laa land about how wonderful that was, my children were just dragged along into the mire. I was at that man's beck and call.  They had no choice about a step parent and believe me when I say I thought this man was so perfect (after leaving a bad marriage) that I only saw the benefits (nice house, more money, his two kids, someone to love, etc.).  My kids were 7 and 11.  After the marriage he was not nice to them at all and I played a dancing game trying to love him and my kids and his kids and juggle all that.  My AC resented him for how he treated me.  I was their family and suddenly they had lost me too after "losing" their dad in the divorce. I know these events contributed to their treatment of me now.  I thought I was working in their best interests and they hated me for it.  Now here I am, divorced long ago from that guy (I hung in there for 18 years, until my son was done with college). It seems as if my AC are shutting me out like I shut them out when I made the decision to choose spending my time with this guy in addition to them.

This is just my story, but I do see a lot of my women friends choosing guys that their kids dislike.  Mind you, I wonder if my kids would have liked anyone I wanted to be with, they wanted just me.  So there is a balancing act between deciding that you need a life beyond motherhood.  And who's to say that had I spent all those 18 years alone, catering to my kids, if they would treat me any different now.  I see women here who say they did that, and yet here they are on this site too. 

Your kids are blood forever and ever and ever.  I probably would give them the time with you that they want, within reason.  If your SO is mature and loving he will be happy to share you with your own children.  Otherwise, I would back away in a hurry because it will not get better with time.  Keep posting, there is a lot of strength here. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)


Welcome A and I was going to say something that Begonia already hit on....in my two Son's case....it wouldn't have mattered if I started dating someone they liked, they would have found fault with him.  They didn't want me to see anyone.  They gave my SO a hard time, every chance they got and they were 18 and 17.  It didn't matter, it wasn't their Father and their illusion of "Happy Parents" had been shattered.  I didn't issue an ultimatum persay, but I did tell them both that I drew the line at disrespect.

One came around and one hasn't.  It took time for the YS to see that he was a good man and now he loves him very much.  The other one still thinks I chose DH over him and in a way, I kind of did by staying with him, marrying him and being happy.  The difference is he had the option of being included and has chosen not to.  I'll never know because he will not tell me the problem.  I was hoping he would come around, and so far, he hasn't.

So yes, you get to chose and they get to chose.  You can be compromising without giving up your values, but that still may not work for them.  What will you do come holidays when they say, "We want you to come but not bring him?"  It could go on and on with their "wishes". 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Oh and I meant to say too, my story is the positive side, believe it or not.  I married a wonderful person.  He is my soulmate in every way, shape or form and I am blessed to have found him.  My OS is missing out on a great relationship with him.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell