Sons & daughters are so distant in their relationship towards me.

[Maujy]

Without going into a whole life story history,well I hope not,I need to lay a bit of foundation. I was married 18yrs. and had 4 wonderful children whom I loved as life itself. Two girls & two boys.In 86 my husband and I divorced due to my husband being physically & mentally abusive and he was also having affairs, this led to a huge traumatic breakdown on my part that led eventually to my having to see a Psychiatrist. The abundant mixture of stress medication I was prescribed caused terrible rebound Migraine headaches that I battled with for 11 years daily.
In 89 my ex husband removed my children from my care and the court granted him custody of my sons.The one daughter was sent to a home for troublesome teenagers,she was 18 and the other was by then married. I had very little income,had never worked out in my married life and had been a devoted mother and wife. Within a month of loosing my children I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a Mastectomy.By this time I was homeless and had,had to sell all I had to make ends meet.
After coming out of hospital I took a room in a seedy downtrodden boarding house which was terribly frightening. From 89 to 97 I lived in a blur of Migraine pain ,taking tablets for a few hours relief, then the pain would start all over again.During this time I met and married a very kind gentleman who was also poor in money and health being diabetic and together we moved from one shelter to the next until I was too ill and underweight and could hardly walk. At this juncture my children found me after much searching. At their advice I entered a rehab,when I came out clean of all medication and well my husband and I with the help of my children moved into our first home. A little apartment not far from my daughter and we were so happy in our new life it was so lovely to have my children popping in to see me and me them.Then 3 years later my husband was killed in a road accident and the same day my daughter and I were hi- jacked.My daughter was shot 3 times and spent much time in hospital undergoing various operations,but survived which was a miracle. A few years later she and her family immigrated elsewhere and not long after my other daughter followed to another country. I do on occasions make trips to visit them. My eldest daughter has become an angel to me always contacting me  with love and respect.My other daughter who gave so much trouble as a teenager and is now in her 40's (she is the one whom the court placed in a home,which she say's she loved and it was the best thing that ever happened to her) she shows nothing but hatred and contempt towards me.She goes out of her way to make life terrible for me when I do visit her.And quite truthfully I have decided not to visit her again.But even during skype calls she is cold and distant. She has a teenager now who is giving her so much trouble. I have emailed her telling her how much I love her and asking for forgiveness for any hurt I caused her which she accepted but still remains cold and distant towards me. And my two sons that are still in the same town I live never invite me over to their house except at Christmas.I actually go to my one son's house and do their housework free of charge,which they'r grateful for. I do it just so I can get to see them. I have noticed that my daughter in laws favor to have their parents around and to visit them and my son's are like puppy dogs they follow what their wives want, what makes them happy. I have tried to pop in and visit but find my daughter in law not very sociable in spite of the fact that for 8 years I worked for them doing all the children fetching and carrying,housework washing,ironing and at one time cooking.For that I was paid but now as I said I do it for free just so I can see them.My other son lives 30 kilometres away and I have only seen his baby daughter who is now 18 mnths old 3 times. When he phones occasionally I tell him but he always makes some kind of excuse.Yet I hear of all the outings both sons have with their in laws. Its so hurtful especially after all our family has been through. Even their father and his wife they don't visit much I hear.And I cannot invite them to my place as it is so tiny just a bedroom and tiny kitchen. Does anyone have any suggestions for me on how I can make them closer and not so distant or perhaps I'm trying too hard??

[luise.volta]

Welcome. Boy, have you been through it! I'm going to have to read that a few more times to get it straight. In the meantime, all I can suggest is to accept whatever the children offer and let go of your expectations of more. That's the only thing that worked for me. They get to live their lives as they choose...sad but true. What helped me most as I was adjusting, was making lists of everything I could think of to be grateful for (sometimes all I could think of was being glad the sun came up) but it helped me focus on what was wonderful in my life. Where we focus expands...what we stop focusing on contracts. Sending love...

[Maujy]

Hello Luise V.
Thank you sooo much for those words of wisdom. Any suggestions are so appreciated,its so lovely to be able to get it all off my chest,so to speak.So lovely to be connected to others with similar experiences.
I will start implementing what you suggest.
Many,many thanks.

[Pen]

Welcome to the site, Maujy. If you haven't already done so, please read the pink highlighted items under the topic Open Me First. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

Best wishes

[luise.volta]

You're welcome. Once you join our group, there is no need to walk alone any longer. All we ask is that you go to the Home Page, and under Read Me First, carefully read the three posts there. We ask that of every new person to be sure WWU is a fit and that you are willing to comply with the requirements in the Forum Agreement. That's how we keep this a safe place for everyone. Many Web-forums aren't monitored and that probably works well, too. However, on WWU we have five Global Moderators, which means we all have equal authority. Our Vision is at the top of the Home Page in the upper, right corner. We're sort of a cyber-family. 

[luise.volta]

It looks like Pen and I were posting to you at the same time. Consider it a double welcome, M. This category is one Pen is partially responsible for...I just kind of wander around. Well, actually, we all do.  If you are interested, there are a lot of threads for you to read that others have initiated that may offer you support. Look under Success Stories, Grab Bag, etc. And when you are of a mind to, commenting here and there may help someone else. We have 2 1/2years under out belts and some of us have been here since the beginning...Mothers' Day of 2010.

[Pooh]

Welcome M.  Wow!  I am constantly amazed at the strength of the women here and what adversity they overcome.  Yes, in reading the stories (mine included), it's easy for an outsider to look at it and see everything that went wrong and I know from experience that we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be.  So I want to be the one that says, sure, there was much that went wrong for you over the years and I can understand where there has to be resentment from your children.  But I want to point out what a strong woman you are. 

I have learned here that it doesn't matter if the AC had a rough upbringing or everything was perfect and rosy, it is up to each individual AC how they choose to move on in their lives.  It's painful for us to think they want to not have much of a relationship, if any, but they still get to make that choice.  They can forgive and try to be understanding and let go of the bitterness so that their lives are better, or they can choose to harbor the ill feelings.  The best part of this, is we get to make that choice too.

You asked for suggestions and I think Luise gave you the best one.  Let go of the expectations of what you think the relationships "should" be and just accept them for what they are.  It sounds like your life is on track and I think you have much to give back to people and a story to share with others on how strong the human will and spirit are.  I think you could give many that are in similar situations as you lived through, hope and show them that they can survive.  Maybe volunteering to speak with people at shelters or breast cancer events?

[Maujy]

I have been off internet for awhile,some problems with the service provider ,its great to be back. Thank you Pooh and everyone else for the welcome, wonderful uplifting words and suggestions that I will definitely follow. Had a lovely surprise my daughter in law phoned and invited me to dinner. Last week whilst working at their house cleaning my grand daughter who was at home studying  said that she and her brother had asked "dad,mom, why don,t we ever include gran in things we do,not everything but some things? She said neither of them said anything. Hence I think, the invite. It was a really relaxed atmosphere and an altogether lovely and special evening. Hope it continues to be this way.

[luise.volta]

  Wonderful! 

[Ruth]

It seems to me your life has been a wonderful gift.  Allow it to unfold on a one day at a time basis.  Take joy in doing the housekeeping, sing while you work Precious One and give out of that great heart of yours love and laughter to your family, whenever you have the opportunity.  They have eyes, they can see, and they have memories and must in their most private occasions be speechless when they think of all you have come through, able and willing to live your life without bitterness and sarcasm, and blame.  It will take your family a long time to catch up with you, so you must be patient and willing to wait.  Thank you for sharing this profound story.

[Maujy]

Oh Ruth thank you so much for your kind words,
nobody has ever called me precious one.
Your kind words bring tears to my eyes.Thank you
and blessings to you.

[Kate]

M, I felt so humble when I read your story.  You have been through so much.  Sending hugs and strength.

[Maujy]

Thank you Kate,love and hugs to you.
This is such a kind,helpful and loving site and I'm so glad I stumbled upon it.
Its lovely to know that we are in it together,not alone that is ,in suffering
the heartache of children that are not mature enough to realize the selfish
hard heart'ed hurt that they are bringing on their parents
Sadly ,it sometimes takes the death of a parent for them to really sit up and
think deeply of the cold selfish way they have treated a parent.
My mother died 3 years ago in an old age home and I have since often thought
of my own selfish mannerism towards her. Little things I could have said or done
now lie heavily on my conscience.

[luise.volta]

M- My husband, age 101, is currently in the nursing home on the retirement campus where I live. I often come home from my daily visits and think that I could have done better. The "would of, should of, could of" syndrome that haunts all humans. We all have a conscience...(well, most of us do)...and we all aim at and miss reaching perfection. If you listed all of the kind things you said and did, you'd be amazed. That's what she took with her because she loved you.

[Maujy]

That is an amazing thought Luise,that I'l always remember,thank you.

And your husband I am sure is filled with so much love and gratitude towards you
deep within his frail and elderly body. 101 is a mighty age to live to.
Whenever I see or hear about people living to those great ages I always
try to imagine what the world was like when they were young,and all
the changes they have seen taking place in the world during their life time.
I hope he is not in any pain or discomfort Luise. He is so fortunate to still have you
even if its just visiting each day.
My thoughts are with you